Members Popular Post AJ4 Posted September 12 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted September 12 https://johnpavlovitz.com/2023/04/25/how-you-die-when-someone-you-love-dies/?utm_campaign=coschedule I read this and thought how accurate it is for me. I really feel like I died when my husband did, and yet I had to go on and make a new life, become a new person, because even though I died (partly) I still had to live. He was such a huge part of my life that I couldn't imagine being without him. So that's why I had to be someone else. It's not a matter of choice, it's a matter of necessity. I read the article and thought "Some other people feel the same as me, at least this guy does". 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post ShawnC Posted September 12 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted September 12 I agree. For me , my love for her defined my life. With her gone I can't be that guy anymore; forced to become someone new. The other factor that I struggle with is the changes time have brought. Our relationship grew over many years and although we changed a lot I think our brains still see us as we were, not how we are now; and of course without them we are different again. I am no longer confident I know who I really am. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DWS Posted September 12 Members Report Share Posted September 12 @AJ4...thanks for posting the link to such a beautiful, heartful piece of writing. This part stands out so much for me: "There’s no one to help fill in the gaps of my memories, no one to give me the pieces of life that belonged only to the two of us—and I hate that." That's the part that's so difficult to describe to others and make them see what is really now lost in my life. This helps me to word it and it also validates this ongoing pain and void. The loss of their presence is what's hardest to get a handle on in the early days but it's their lingering absence that eventually makes us see that the person we were died with them. I can't be that person anymore because it was only for him and with him that I was that way. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 12 Moderators Report Share Posted September 12 6 hours ago, AJ4 said: https://johnpavlovitz.com/2023/04/25/how-you-die-when-someone-you-love-dies/?utm_campaign=coschedule It's how most of us feel, it's hard to make yourself continue... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LMR Posted September 12 Members Report Share Posted September 12 6 hours ago, AJ4 said: https://johnpavlovitz.com/2023/04/25/how-you-die-when-someone-you-love-dies/?utm_campaign=coschedule I read this and thought how accurate it is for me. I really feel like I died when my husband did, and yet I had to go on and make a new life, become a new person, because even though I died (partly) I still had to live. He was such a huge part of my life that I couldn't imagine being without him. So that's why I had to be someone else. It's not a matter of choice, it's a matter of necessity. I read the article and thought "Some other people feel the same as me, at least this guy does". Thank you for posting this link. He got it spot on. I had been trying to articulate that feeling but couldn't get it quite right. I was telling my counselor that I don't feel like ME. That I feel like a fraud, an empty shell pretending to be me. John's article is so clear and beautiful and says it all. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members P777 Posted September 12 Members Report Share Posted September 12 For me, I definitely also feel a part of me went with my Wife. I wont use the word die, because that I believe is only the physical self. I would say the connection to her is with me. A spiritual, soul connection. A knowing almost, inside of me, that she is loving our Son and I from heaven. Yes, physically her earthly body died, but her soul, is forever. When our time comes too, we will be reunited, I am certain of this. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted September 15 Members Report Share Posted September 15 This is something people who haven't experienced this kind of loss can't quite grasp. "But you have your memories" really doesn't cut it when our memories are sometimes hazy and when even the good memories sometimes hurt so much. There's no one to share the laughs, the tears, the joys, the pain, and even the mundane day-to-day of the 35 years John and I lived and loved together. There's no one who "gets" me the same way John did or to share the little "in" jokes and glances that say everything. John Pavlovitz really gets it. I discovered him during the pandemic when he wrote this blog post. It hit home so hard. https://johnpavlovitz.com/2020/04/08/you-cant-social-distance-from-grief/ He truly seems to live an open, embracing, loving, and faithful life. He admits his own errors and failures, acknowledges that no one is perfect and we shouldn't expect it, and calls out hypocrisy and hate wherever he sees it. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RichS Posted October 5 Members Report Share Posted October 5 On 9/12/2024 at 8:15 AM, AJ4 said: I read this and thought how accurate it is for me. I really feel like I died when my husband did, and yet I had to go on and make a new life, become a new person, because even though I died (partly) I still had to live. Every day I feel as though a chunk of me has gone with my wife. Coping with that is tough, but I manage to get through it. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rey Dominguez Jr Posted October 6 Members Report Share Posted October 6 I feel as if I have lost my anchor. Veronica was my anchor and, most times, I don’t know what I am doing here without her. I find things to fill the time but it’s like I am just marking time, no real meaning to things. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LMR Posted October 6 Members Report Share Posted October 6 1 hour ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said: I feel as if I have lost my anchor. Veronica was my anchor and, most times, I don’t know what I am doing here without her. I find things to fill the time but it’s like I am just marking time, no real meaning to things. I feel the same way Rey. Things that would never have bothered me before now cause me anxiety. I have become a bit OCD as well, always triple checking things. I am mostly keeping occupied but like you just marking time. I'm never fully engaged. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RichS Posted October 6 Members Report Share Posted October 6 3 hours ago, LMR said: I am mostly keeping occupied but like you just marking time. I'm never fully engaged. Exactly..................things may change in my life. Who knows? For now, "moving forward" means moving forward to what?? 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ShawnC Posted 12 hours ago Members Report Share Posted 12 hours ago That's it. Who am I now? What do I want ( can not have what I really, really want) out of life? Do I have the strength to do it? More and more it feels like this requires an act of will to choose a life of hope or holding my memory of what has been lost and not being capable of joy. I know I will always have a part of me missing , is there enough of me left that I can be of use ? Oh boy , none of this is easy. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RichS Posted 5 hours ago Members Report Share Posted 5 hours ago 6 hours ago, ShawnC said: What do I want out of life? And that is the $64,000 question...........I DUNNO what I want.................. 6 hours ago, ShawnC said: it feels like this requires an act of will to choose a life of hope or holding my memory of what has been lost and not being capable of joy. I've been in a HOLDING PATTERN for a long time.........never letting go of my past with Chris; but if I were driving on the highway, the Town of JOY would be 500 miles away. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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