How you die when someone you love dies

[AJ4]

https://johnpavlovitz.com/2023/04/25/how-you-die-when-someone-you-love-dies/?utm_campaign=coschedule

 

I read this and thought how accurate it is for me.  I really feel like I died when my husband did, and yet I had to go on and make a new life, become a new person, because even though I died (partly) I still had to live. 

He was such a huge part of my life that I couldn't imagine being without him.  So that's why I had to be someone else.  It's not a matter of choice, it's a matter of necessity.  I read the article and thought "Some other people feel the same as me, at least this guy does".

[ShawnC]

I agree. For me , my love for her defined my life. With her gone I can't be that guy anymore; forced to become someone new.

The other factor that I struggle with is the changes time have brought. Our relationship grew over many years and although we changed a lot I think our brains still see us as we were, not how we are now; and of course without them we are different again.

I am no longer  confident I know who I really am.

[DWS]

@AJ4...thanks for posting the link to such a beautiful, heartful piece of writing. This part stands out so much for me:  "There’s no one to help fill in the gaps of my memories, no one to give me the pieces of life that belonged only to the two of us—and I hate that."

That's the part that's so difficult to describe to others and make them see what is really now lost in my life. This helps me to word it and it also validates this ongoing pain and void. The loss of their presence is what's hardest to get a handle on in the early days but it's their lingering absence that eventually makes us see that the person we were died with them. I can't be that person anymore because it was only for him and with him that I was that way. 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, AJ4 said:

https://johnpavlovitz.com/2023/04/25/how-you-die-when-someone-you-love-dies/?utm_campaign=coschedule

It's how most of us feel, it's hard to make yourself continue...

[LMR]

6 hours ago, AJ4 said:

https://johnpavlovitz.com/2023/04/25/how-you-die-when-someone-you-love-dies/?utm_campaign=coschedule

 

I read this and thought how accurate it is for me.  I really feel like I died when my husband did, and yet I had to go on and make a new life, become a new person, because even though I died (partly) I still had to live. 

He was such a huge part of my life that I couldn't imagine being without him.  So that's why I had to be someone else.  It's not a matter of choice, it's a matter of necessity.  I read the article and thought "Some other people feel the same as me, at least this guy does".

Thank you for posting this link. He got it spot on. I had been trying to articulate that feeling but couldn't get it quite right. I was telling my counselor that I don't feel like ME. That I feel like a fraud, an empty shell pretending to be me. John's article is so clear and beautiful and says it all.

[P777]

For me, I definitely also feel a part of me went with my Wife. I wont use the word die, because that I believe is only the physical self. I would say the connection to her is with me. A spiritual, soul connection. A knowing almost, inside of me, that she is loving our Son and I from heaven. Yes, physically her earthly body died, but her soul, is forever. When our time comes too, we will be reunited, I am certain of this.

[foreverhis]

This is something people who haven't experienced this kind of loss can't quite grasp.  "But you have your memories" really doesn't cut it when our memories are sometimes hazy and when even the good memories sometimes hurt so much.  There's no one to share the laughs, the tears, the joys, the pain, and even the mundane day-to-day of the 35 years John and I lived and loved together.  There's no one who "gets" me the same way John did or to share the little "in" jokes and glances that say everything.  John Pavlovitz really gets it.  I discovered him during the pandemic when he wrote this blog post.  It hit home so hard. 

https://johnpavlovitz.com/2020/04/08/you-cant-social-distance-from-grief/

He truly seems to live an open, embracing, loving, and faithful life.  He admits his own errors and failures, acknowledges that no one is perfect and we shouldn't expect it, and calls out hypocrisy and hate wherever he sees it.

[RichS]

On 9/12/2024 at 8:15 AM, AJ4 said:

I read this and thought how accurate it is for me.  I really feel like I died when my husband did, and yet I had to go on and make a new life, become a new person, because even though I died (partly) I still had to live. 

Every day I feel as though a chunk of me has gone with my wife. Coping with that is tough, but I manage to get through it.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

I feel as if I have lost my anchor.  Veronica was my anchor and, most times, I don’t know what I am doing here without her.  I find things to fill the time but it’s like I am just marking time, no real meaning to things.  

[LMR]

1 hour ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

I feel as if I have lost my anchor.  Veronica was my anchor and, most times, I don’t know what I am doing here without her.  I find things to fill the time but it’s like I am just marking time, no real meaning to things.  

I feel the same way Rey. Things that would never have bothered me before now cause me anxiety. I have become a bit OCD as well, always triple checking things. I am mostly keeping occupied but like you just marking time. I'm never fully engaged.

[RichS]

3 hours ago, LMR said:

I am mostly keeping occupied but like you just marking time. I'm never fully engaged.

Exactly..................things may change in my life. Who knows? For now, "moving forward" means moving forward to what??

[ShawnC]

That's it. Who am I now? What do I want ( can not have what I really, really want) out of life? Do I have the strength to do it?

More and more it feels like this requires an act of will to choose a life of hope or holding my memory of what has been lost and not being capable of joy. I know I will always have a part of me missing , is there enough of me left that I can be of use ? 

Oh boy , none of this is easy.

[RichS]

6 hours ago, ShawnC said:

What do I want out of life?

And that is the $64,000 question...........I DUNNO what I want..................

 

6 hours ago, ShawnC said:

it feels like this requires an act of will to choose a life of hope or holding my memory of what has been lost and not being capable of joy.

I've been in a HOLDING PATTERN for a long time.........never letting go of my past with Chris; but if I were driving on the highway, the Town of JOY would be 500 miles away.

[LMR]

13 hours ago, RichS said:

And that is the $64,000 question...........I DUNNO what I want..................

 

 

In my final counselling session I was asked what I want for my future but there is no answer to that. Short of a miracle I couldn't think of anything that would make me happy. In retrospect - to feel at peace maybe? I think that's about all I can ask for. Couldn't even honestly say 'alive'.

[LMR]

19 hours ago, ShawnC said:

 

More and more it feels like this requires an act of will to choose a life of hope or holding my memory of what has been lost

I agree it is beginning to feel like I have to make a choice, to give him up or not. I can't. He was and is too precious to me so I will just have to stay miserable.

[RichS]

5 hours ago, LMR said:

In retrospect - to feel at peace maybe? I think that's about all I can ask for.

That would be a blessing................it helps you to cope with your loss.

MY LAST POST SOUNDED TOO NEGATIVE. YES, MY LIFE FEELS AS IF ITS IN A HOLDING PATTERN, BUT I DO HAVE A LOT OF THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR. ITS JUST THAT THEY WOULD BE MORE ENJOYABLE IF CHRIS WERE STILL AROUND.

[DWS]

8 hours ago, LMR said:

In my final counselling session I was asked what I want for my future but there is no answer to that. 

I believe it's a question that is unnecessary to ask of any griever. Hoping to find some solace is really the only answer and it's the only answer the one asking the question should expect and be content with. The better question would be "do you hope to find solace in your future?" and then "let's talk about ways you could go about gaining some". The future, in regards to our personal place and outlook in the years of our lives ahead, relies on our hopes and dreams. My future in that context already happened and has now been taken from me. I now don't have any future outlook and quite frankly, I don't want to choose a new one! Taking things one day at a time seems to make the most sense now. It might be different if I was younger but living a day at a time takes the pressure off of me having to look down the road ahead.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, LMR said:

I agree it is beginning to feel like I have to make a choice, to give him up or not. I can't. He was and is too precious to me so I will just have to stay miserable.

We don't have to stay miserable nor do we have to give them up. I carry George with me and love and miss him.  But I try to enjoy what good there is in each day too.  It's more challenging the older I get.

Growing old w/o him...

[WithoutHer]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Growing old w/o him...

I think that's what's eating at me most these days. There's always some activities going on within a 20 mile radius of where I live that I wish Vickie were alive and well so we could share going. She loved our day trips out together no matter how simple they were. I have absolutely no interest in going alone. I have pushed myself out like has been suggested here and it just makes the empty feeling worse. I'm not going to apologize for who I have become. Someone who cannot relate to who I once was no matter how far in the past I look. And yet the past is all my mind has. I'm content inside these walls and no they are not closing in on me. 

If Vickie is looking down on me she understands better than anyone could. She knows I'm sad but also knows I'm not miserable. My biggest fear is dying alone here with the animals. There are options to protect that. I'm just a procrastinator and haven't done that along with other final days matters.

I get some online socializing every day along with venting my political anger.

Harshly life is what it is now and any real social availability out there is going to find  me simply by fate as Vickie did.

[LMR]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

We don't have to stay miserable nor do we have to give them up. I carry George with me and love and miss him.  But I try to enjoy what good there is in each day too.  It's more challenging the older I get.

Growing old w/o him...

I feel I need to expand on what I said. I am not constantly miserable though it may well look like that to others. Most of the time I have no feelings at all. I'm just an empty shell doing my one day at a time, but happiness is no longer within my reach, I can't even envision what that could be. I have no hopes, no dreams...... It's true that I have had more happiness than most people on this earth and for that I am forever grateful. 

[DWS]

On 10/16/2024 at 9:03 PM, WithoutHer said:

 I have pushed myself out like has been suggested here and it just makes the empty feeling worse. I'm not going to apologize for who I have become.

This resonates so much. I know it's all in my sad little mind but my house has become my safe space where my memories come alive. I've become comfortable within this environment because it's here where Tom still exists for me. I feel his presence here. Venturing outside of it is when I truly feel his absence. I feel so alone and vulnerable out there. I am beginning to feel a bit stronger while I'm away from my home but it's not where I want to be anymore. 

On 10/16/2024 at 9:03 PM, WithoutHer said:

If Vickie is looking down on me she understands better than anyone could. She knows I'm sad but also knows I'm not miserable.

Yep. I will not let anyone try to guilt me with "Tom wouldn't want you to be sad". I have started to enjoy listening and exploring music again (my lifetime hobby) and when I'm in that realm, I know for sure that Tom would be so happy to see that. 

[ShawnC]

I have found that if I allow myself to enjoy the smallest things; Sun on my face, the sound of children laughing, my first sip of coffee, a friendly smile from a pretty woman, I can perhaps glimpse a path to not a better life but maybe just maybe one I can live with. I hope for more simple pleasures and the wisdom to enjoy them when they occasionally come my way. I wish the same for all of you;my companions on this horrible path we walk.

[RichS]

11 minutes ago, ShawnC said:

I have found that if I allow myself to enjoy the smallest things; Sun on my face, the sound of children laughing, my first sip of coffee, a friendly smile from a pretty woman, I can perhaps glimpse a path to not a better life but maybe just maybe one I can live with.

EXACTLY................And I'm realizing that I need to do the same as well; and that I need to put some effort in every day in order to meet that goal.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, ShawnC said:

I have found that if I allow myself to enjoy the smallest things; Sun on my face, the sound of children laughing, my first sip of coffee, a friendly smile from a pretty woman, I can perhaps glimpse a path to not a better life but maybe just maybe one I can live with.

Exactly, it is what I am talking about when I say to find joy in every day.  Don't compare to the big joy we had "before" as comparisons are a real joy killer.  It's been 19 1/3 years since I lost George, which is complicate now that I am older and in survival mode with the weather harshening.  But I STILL look for the little joys that are mine.

[foreverhis]

On 10/24/2024 at 6:07 AM, ShawnC said:

I have found that if I allow myself to enjoy the smallest things; Sun on my face, the sound of children laughing, my first sip of coffee, a friendly smile from a pretty woman, I can perhaps glimpse a path to not a better life but maybe just maybe one I can live with. I hope for more simple pleasures and the wisdom to enjoy them when they occasionally come my way. I wish the same for all of you;my companions on this horrible path we walk.

That’s how I started as well. Tiny things that might seem trivial to others or that I used to take for granted became more important to me. At first, for a year or more, I almost couldn’t bear to smile and laughing was difficult because every time I felt like I was betraying John, our love and lives together, and losing him.

My/Our closest friends and family helped by being incredibly supportive and never pushing. Newer friends helped by encouraging me to talk about John and listening.

But the thing that really helped me take steps forward out of my guilt wasn’t a person at all. It was dear friends who are also across the street neighbors asking if I could take their dog Raleigh (12 lb terrier mix with a bit of chihuahua thrown in for good measure) for walks and maybe visits once a week because they both had long days on Thursdays. I already knew her, though not like I do now.  We started 9-10 months after John died. That little bundle of joy and love wormed her way deeply into my heart. Like all animals, she lives in the present and finds happiness in the smallest things. When she was with me, she “forced” me to be right there with her. After several months, I didn’t have to force myself to smile and laugh when I was with her and that was a turning point.

During the pandemic, her mom was concerned that required stay-at-home would set me back from the steps I had taken forward. She wasn’t wrong. For more than a year, Raleigh visited me 3-4 times a week. By 2022, we had a set schedule of early afternoon until after dinner time twice a week. She’s getting older now (14-1/2) and slowing down with a few health issues, but her happiness in simply being with her family (including me) hasn’t dimmed one bit. She’s a treasure. Along with my own cat Cosi, who I adopted going on 2 years ago now, I find some joy in every day. A smaller, different happiness than before, but it’s always there now, even during bad times.  That’s a gift I don’t take for granted.

[KayC]

Mine is my registered service dog, Kodie. A week ago Thursday my heart was shattered because our new pastor called and told me Kodie couldn't be at church. His behavor is impecable, someone complained they are allergic. No discussion.  He talked to an elder and it was decided. It was the person I suspected although she never talked to me about it.  Kodie was out and the people he loved, gone from his life.  No more a part of the Praise Team.  Much of my joy is gone just like that.  He has gone everywhere with me for over three years!

[foreverhis]

Kodie is so adorable.  He's a treasure for sure.  I'm angry that he has been banished from church, a place where all should be welcome and loved.  I'm so skeptical of the "allergies" claim.  Not that I'm saying people don't have allergies.  Of course they do.  My dad had horrible allergies to all fur and feathers.  But unless that person was right next to you and has a severe allergy, I just don't see it.  It's so sad that one person's complaint could do that, especially with no discussion.  Give your sweet boy a hug from me.  He deserves so much better than being "kicked out" like that.

[WithoutHer]

3 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Kodie is so adorable.  He's a treasure for sure.  I'm angry that he has been banished from church, a place where all should be welcome and loved.  I'm so skeptical of the "allergies" claim.  Not that I'm saying people don't have allergies.  Of course they do.  My dad had horrible allergies to all fur and feathers.  But unless that person was right next to you and has a severe allergy, I just don't see it.  It's so sad that one person's complaint could do that, especially with no discussion.  Give your sweet boy a hug from me.  He deserves so much better than being "kicked out" like that.

I'm glad I read this before replying to @KayC I was going to say we need an anger emoji because that's how I feel  about the person in her church being responsible for Kodie no longer being allowed. I felt the same the day she told us about it. These are the kind of things that make me want to go on a rant. Be glad we can't discuss politics here. 

 

[LMR]

13 hours ago, KayC said:

Mine is my registered service dog, Kodie. A week ago Thursday my heart was shattered because our new pastor called and told me Kodie couldn't be at church. His behavor is impecable, someone complained they are allergic. No discussion.  He talked to an elder and it was decided. It was the person I suspected although she never talked to me about it.  Kodie was out and the people he loved, gone from his life.  No more a part of the Praise Team.  Much of my joy is gone just like that.  He has gone everywhere with me for over three years!

Kay, I would have another chat with your pastor. If Kodie is a registered service dog I don't think they are allowed to refuse him entry. I know that this could cause problems if you question them but surely there must be a compromise. Sitting in different areas??

So sorry you are having to deal with such inconsiderate people.

[KayC]

It wasn't open for discussion.  Decision made. A GF of mine offered to file a lawsuit (she works for a prestigious law firm in Ventura) but I've never sued anyone and don't want to sue the church, but I no longer feel the same. I know who the biggest pusher for this was, she was always nasty to Kodie for no reason.  He's so sweet and compliant. Having to pray about my feelings about her...

[AJ4]

I personally think dogs who are well behaved should be allowed everywhere.  I have allergies and don't demand that those things never enter a building with me.  So why should dog allergy people get special care?  She can wear a mask and sit on the opposite side of the room from your dog.  IMO she's just being a ****. 

Now, that said, I have looked into service dogs a lot and there is no registry of service dogs.   If your dog is trained to help you with a disability then by law he is allowed everywhere you go, restaurants, churches, planes etc.  However if you have an emotional support dog with out special  training besides just basic obedience, then you have no protections under the law about bringing him with you, except with a landlord/housing situation- then you could have the dog live with you even in a no dogs allowed building. 

[RichS]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Having to pray about my feelings about her...

Sorry Kay, that you have to deal such pettiness, As I get older I have less time and patience to deal with difficult people. I saw this little note on Linked In yesterday. It made me think of strength in a slightly different way.

Strength is forgiving people that don’t even feel sorry for their action.

Strength is putting a smile on your face when you want to cry a river.

Strength is not hurting those who hurt you.

[Bou]

On 9/12/2024 at 8:29 AM, ShawnC said:

I agree. For me , my love for her defined my life. With her gone I can't be that guy anymore; forced to become someone new.

The other factor that I struggle with is the changes time have brought. Our relationship grew over many years and although we changed a lot I think our brains still see us as we were, not how we are now; and of course without them we are different again.

I am no longer  confident I know who I really am.

I am no longer confident I know who I really am either.  I have no choice but to find out and it doesn't come easy to me.  Feel lost often.  Often

[Bou]

On 10/6/2024 at 7:21 AM, LMR said:

I feel the same way Rey. Things that would never have bothered me before now cause me anxiety. I have become a bit OCD as well, always triple checking things. I am mostly keeping occupied but like you just marking time. I'm never fully engaged.

yes I don't have time to stop most of the time.  Feel very different then I did before.  A power in me to be what I wasn't because I have no choice to not move forward and get things done that need to be done.  I am the person now.  I hate being alone!

[Bou]

On 10/24/2024 at 9:21 AM, RichS said:

EXACTLY................And I'm realizing that I need to do the same as well; and that I need to put some effort in every day in order to meet that goal.

I figured this out early on.  Allowing myself to wallop in my sorrows....not healthy.  He wouldn't have wanted me to behave like that.  I just find it hard to find the joys because I have no one to share them with.   I also find myself very deep in my thoughts.  I need to lighten up and live it just so darned hard.  Sense of guilt in there for anytime I am happy.  Stupid thinking on my part.  Everyday I get up and I try to have the best day that I can.  I try and I will keep trying and I come here when I need therapy.  Being amongst others that get it helps me a lot.  I hope I help others as well. 

[RichS]

7 minutes ago, Bou said:

Being amongst others that get it helps me a lot.  I hope I help others as well.

OH YES!!..........................

[Sar123]

I ran across this passage and it describes perfectly how I feel about losing my husband 

“The day you died a thread was pulled from my soul and life unraveled before my eyes.  There wasn’t a broken bone; it was an immeasurable pain that shattered everything that once was.  The thread signified a displacement, a pain like no other.  Following the days, the weeks, months and years after, you’re left to navigate the complexities of grief.  You’re left unraveled forever”

~Mark Levin~

[foreverhis]

20 hours ago, Sar123 said:

I ran across this passage and it describes perfectly how I feel about losing my husband 

“The day you died a thread was pulled from my soul and life unraveled before my eyes.  There wasn’t a broken bone; it was an immeasurable pain that shattered everything that once was.  The thread signified a displacement, a pain like no other.  Following the days, the weeks, months and years after, you’re left to navigate the complexities of grief.  You’re left unraveled forever”

~Mark Levin~

That’s a good analogy. There are so few words or descriptions that convey this grief even partially. I have often said that you have to experience it to fully understand it. I still believe that to be true. And I still tell my/our friends and family that I don’t want them to know for a very long time.

[DWS]

21 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I have often said that you have to experience it to fully understand it. I still believe that to be true. And I still tell my/our friends and family that I don’t want them to know for a very long time.

Sometimes I do wonder if "this" will be experienced differently by others. I'm learning that these grief journeys seem to be felt uniquely,....some of us exceptionally deeply and others more par for the course.  I've found that to be challenging when I've stumbled upon someone locally that lost their partner or spouse and their response is more of a "life goes on" approach. It makes me feel lonelier. I guess it's my hope of finding another broken heart to listen to mine but when it feels the opposite...to see that person seemingly "healed" (for lack of a better word)....it sends me into a need to isolate again. I want some type of acknowledgment of my continual grief...not in a pitying way but one of respect for what's lost. And I know that that's something that can't be found because eventually, "life goes on". 

[RichS]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

I want some type of acknowledgment of my continual grief...not in a pitying way but one of respect for what's lost. And I know that that's something that can't be found because eventually, "life goes on".

You've found it here on this board. All of us get what you're going through. Yes, each of us are on our own unique grief journey, but we're always available for each other here, no matter what kind of a day we're having. You can take comfort in that.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, DWS said:

Sometimes I do wonder if "this" will be experienced differently by others. I'm learning that these grief journeys seem to be felt uniquely,....some of us exceptionally deeply and others more par for the course.

Absolutely.  It's a unique journey on our own paths, but walking the same road together.  On this road, there are similarities that are difficult to describe to anyone who hasn't been through a deep loss.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, DWS said:

Sometimes I do wonder if "this" will be experienced differently by others.

Absolutely! When my dad died, I was shocked when my mom came home from his funeral and immediately threw all of his clothes away!  It seemed so callous and hard.  

I realized in time that we grieve differently.  I know she missed him.

[DWS]

20 hours ago, RichS said:

You've found it here on this board. All of us get what you're going through. Yes, each of us are on our own unique grief journey, but we're always available for each other here, no matter what kind of a day we're having. You can take comfort in that.

Yes, it's so true! I think of this forum as the road that all of us are traveling along and as @foreverhis mentions, walking the same road together. It's a needed and important road with continual heart-minded individuals who we can meet up with at any point and trust our hearts with. I've mentioned to others in my life about the grieving site that has helped me with my loss and though they'll be glad I found something, I know that they don't understand its great importance to me and that can bother me. I truly feel like I'm in a different world now than they...certainly a different mindset....and I know that I can never be back in their mindset. That world and mindset where I was had Tom in it. 

[CSchor]

My partner died at home yesterday. I was hoping for more time. He said he would wait for me. I'm scared of being overwhelmed by grief. I have Covid too. very shaky right now. I keep wanting to do things for him. He would love this apple cake I'm eating ... Here's a painting I did of him. Frank. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  It helps to read and post here, lets you know you are not alone.  

Beautiful picture of him, thank you for sharing it with us.  I am so sorry you have Covid, I pray you get better soon.  I can't imagine going through this with Covid.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

CSchor:  WELCOME TO OUR BOARD!...........All of us on this board are very sorry for your loss. On this board you will find kind, sympathetic folks who totally understand what you're going through. Please continue to post here. We're always here to comfort each other each and every day.

[CSchor]

Thank you. I've been reading. Kindred spirits. What a blessing you all are.

 

[Sar123]

On 11/16/2024 at 12:09 PM, foreverhis said:

I have often said that you have to experience it to fully understand it.

This is so true. I, too, don’t want anyone to have to experience it for a very long time . I think we all react to grief in different ways. I’m an introvert and keep a lot of my feelings to myself.  We don’t know how we’ll deal with grief until it happens to us. 
 

November and December are hard months for me. I can’t believe it’s almost 2 years since my husband passed. I have days where I’m doing okay then along comes a memory or a photo from where we were 2 years ago and I feel like I’m back where I was before. 
 

Here is a quote from a young woman who lost her fiancé, an actor from the TV show, One Tree Hill. It resonated with me although I don’t know if I have it in me to try. 

“While a part of me died with you, I promise to fight to find joy in life as hard as you fought to live every single day,”

[LMR]

8 hours ago, Sar123 said:

 

“While a part of me died with you, I promise to fight to find joy in life as hard as you fought to live every single day,”

Thank you for that, I think it's beautiful. I haven't found the strength to do it but maybe I would if I was younger.