Forever grieving

[Hanna2404]

These forums are new to me but I thought I'd give this version of a support group a try, as I've not yet been willing to try any face-to-face group support sessions but am nonetheless curious to know if it may help.
I lost my partner, Stefan, aged 34 when he died, suddenly in September 2022. He was riding my motorbike, though this had never been his hobby, but mine, to commute to work and had a fatal accident on his way home from work. We have 2 children, then aged 1 and 7, now 3 and 9. We'd left Austria in 2020, which is where we are back again now, to follow a dream of an unknown but promising life in Esperance, Australia, my home country. We were happy. We were there to stay. Stefan fell in love with Australia, and Esperance, and was certain he'd never return to Austria, though he was deeply rooted here and very, very close to his friends and family. Almost a year after Stefan's death I left Esperance to return to Austria because here is where I have greater support network of family and friends. It's the best decision I could have made considering the circumstances of now being a single mum in a very isolated place like Esperance. I had my mum there but it wasn't enough. And although we lived here in Austria, in the exact place I'm living again now, before, for years, I so strongly associate Esperance, no, all of Australia, with Stefan and that tragic event now, that I find it hard to think about it, look at pictures, and even imagine going back there, even for a holiday, now. I've handled Stefan's death and my grief fairly well, I believe. I sought professional support immediately and have been in counselling, quite regularly, ever since it happened. I journal my feeling frequently, though not as often as at the beginning, and do grieve 'actively' still, though not as much anymore. It hasn't gotten easier, though I have gotten rather 'used to it'. I've been lucky enough to be able to continue to 'function' as a mother and fairly 'normal' person from the start, probably due to something in my personality and nature, but I'm convinced that I have my children to thank. My responsibility as a parent has kept me going. Kept me from following him, which is all I really wanted to do and still have many thoughts and strong feelings about. I feel like real happiness, carefreeness, and light-heartedness, the type I knew, is not something that will ever return. I am not a depressive or negative type of person, and I think 35 years of practice of being a strong willed, determined, forward-looking and optimistic person who never experienced any kind of wrong in her life is what has helped me stay so ‘strong’ and to keep my head above water. Deep down I want to die. I don’t want this life without him. I don’t want God knows how many years of living with this loss. He was everything. My world. A constant I fully depended on, emotionally -  not out of need, but out of want and love. I KNEW nothing could separate us. I had one fear only, and that was to lose him in this way. Not that I had a feeling about it, but just the thought killed me. It was the one thing I knew could break me. Nothing else on this planet scares me. There’s nothing I felt I couldn’t handle. Nothing that could really get to me – but this. And it happened. In such a cruel and unexpected way. To the person who least deserved it. Least wanted it. A man who loved nothing more than his family. Who did everything for them. Who had SO MUCH to live for. He’d only just started this big adventure we were on. In my eyes, we were perfect. He was nothing short of what I wanted – something I felt the second I lay eyes on him. The way we came to be is something of a fairy tale story. My dreams came true the day he became mine. Even truer the day he moved to Australia with me. It was so short-lived. Too good to be true. And now it’s over. And I’m back, living our past life, in some way. But without him. I don’t want any kind of life without him. But here is where we are close to him by that we are close to his family. His parents, grandparents, sibling, uncles etc. All the people who helped shape him I want now to be in our children’s lives. The closest they can have to him, I guess. But it’s never-ending. It changes, somehow, but the grief doesn’t lessen. Doesn’t become milder. I can’t even say he becomes more distant any more. He’s buried somewhere in my heart, deep down inside me, and I carry my love and grief for him with me everywhere I go. These days it’s a heavy weight and still a very sore spot. It’s been an always changing journey, this grief, and obviously some days I feel lighter. I dare say it’s even felt lighter before. But now I feel it’s come to this deeply cemented end of heaviness. A reality that kills me but that I survive on a daily basis. But it crushes me, in other ways. I feel I carry not only the weight of his loss, but everything related to now being without him is so much harder. Being a mom especially. And being alone. I’m still learning about all the things I no longer have. Things I had. Things we take for granted. The things that go without saying when you’re in a relationship. When you have someone you love and who loves you back, unconditionally. Someone who is there, no matter what. And I mean there. Someone who will NEVER leave you hanging. Someone so dependable. I probably didn’t feel I really NEED all the things he gave me. And now I’m realising one by one what all those things were. And I hate it. I hate missing all those things as well as simply missing him in my life. Nothing in particular. Just knowing he’s there, without actually thinking about it. The ‘normal’ I used to have. Now nothing’s normal. And it never will be again. There’s nothing ok about this. Nothing I can or want to accept. It’s wrong. It shouldn’t be. It’s a mystery that it could happen. I will never understand this ‘death’. What is death? What’s it good for? Why do we live just to die? No, why do we die too soon? Why do some live till they’re old and others are taken away in such a cruel way? Why do my kids have to grow up without their amazing father? Why am I left here without him? I never asked for this. I don’t want this. It’s been forced upon me and I despise it. I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t like self-pity. But I do feel a hate towards the situation. And towards what happened. I feel my heart will never be mended. That I will never come to terms’ with Stefan’s death, or life without him. Not very promising but I’ve learnt to live beside that knowledge. It just doesn’t help. Maybe this is a type of depression, just without the ‘usual’ symptoms. That’s all for now...

[KayC]

Welcome here!  It helps to read & post in a safe place where others get it and understand.  Boy your questions are some I've asked but never gotten an answer to!  Good questions!

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[DWS]

4 hours ago, Hanna2404 said:

I am not a depressive or negative type of person, and I think 35 years of practice of being a strong willed, determined, forward-looking and optimistic person who never experienced any kind of wrong in her life is what has helped me stay so ‘strong’ and to keep my head above water. Deep down I want to die. I don’t want this life without him. I don’t want God knows how many years of living with this loss. He was everything. My world. A constant I fully depended on, emotionally -  not out of need, but out of want and love. 

I'm truly sorry for such a huge, tragic loss for you and your kids...and at the same time, I'm glad that you found this place to pour out your endless sorrow and emptiness. You have friends-in-grief here where we are free to let down our guards. I think of it as my grief safespace. I've found so many times that if I think it or feel something, someone here has as well and I end up feeling not so alone and weird.

It sounds like you took the recommended steps to cope with your loss...seeking counselling, journaling, being a rock for your children...and moving back home to Austria sounds like it was the right and rational decision. I wonder though, with all of that taken care of and it being not quite two years later, if it's now that you're really beginning to meet grief head-on. I think for many of us, we try to fight grief thinking that there is some valor in staying strong and not totally falling apart...and you would certainly feel tremendous pressure not to particularly for the sake of your children. But grief is tricky. There is no right way to grieve and there is no specific plan to get us out of this grief maze. For myself, I'm 62 and dealing with what's inside my grief maze just as you, at 35, are inside yours. Neither of us asked to be here. It's totally unfamiliar terrain. It's awful and unfair...and so we give ourselves a break in all of this! Like you...more than two years later, I still hold anger. My partner's death was sudden and unexpected...happened totally out of the blue. I suppose I've reached some solace in that time...back and forth on that...and perhaps you're able to see that there has been some for you too. 

This is a journey...an endless one with no particular destination. 

[shawnt]

Welcome , this spot has many people with hard earned wisdom. 

You are right, the absence is the hardest part. Life goes on with or without us. I may never have that easy going comfort of my love again ; at this point I don't think it will ever be able to live in my heart again. Knowledge,especially the sad knowledge we now have; once it's learned can never be forgotten. I sure wish I could be an ignorant ninconpoop again, I slept better. The only way I have found to cope is day by day and try and notice the good when I can. And there is good ; nice pretty blue sky, laughter of children, kindness of a stranger, 1st fresh strawberries of the season, dirty joke that made me laugh. Not what it was, but not nothing.

I hope your path shows you some light.

[Bou]

On 6/10/2024 at 3:33 PM, Hanna2404 said:

These forums are new to me but I thought I'd give this version of a support group a try, as I've not yet been willing to try any face-to-face group support sessions but am nonetheless curious to know if it may help.
I lost my partner, Stefan, aged 34 when he died, suddenly in September 2022. He was riding my motorbike, though this had never been his hobby, but mine, to commute to work and had a fatal accident on his way home from work. We have 2 children, then aged 1 and 7, now 3 and 9. We'd left Austria in 2020, which is where we are back again now, to follow a dream of an unknown but promising life in Esperance, Australia, my home country. We were happy. We were there to stay. Stefan fell in love with Australia, and Esperance, and was certain he'd never return to Austria, though he was deeply rooted here and very, very close to his friends and family. Almost a year after Stefan's death I left Esperance to return to Austria because here is where I have greater support network of family and friends. It's the best decision I could have made considering the circumstances of now being a single mum in a very isolated place like Esperance. I had my mum there but it wasn't enough. And although we lived here in Austria, in the exact place I'm living again now, before, for years, I so strongly associate Esperance, no, all of Australia, with Stefan and that tragic event now, that I find it hard to think about it, look at pictures, and even imagine going back there, even for a holiday, now. I've handled Stefan's death and my grief fairly well, I believe. I sought professional support immediately and have been in counselling, quite regularly, ever since it happened. I journal my feeling frequently, though not as often as at the beginning, and do grieve 'actively' still, though not as much anymore. It hasn't gotten easier, though I have gotten rather 'used to it'. I've been lucky enough to be able to continue to 'function' as a mother and fairly 'normal' person from the start, probably due to something in my personality and nature, but I'm convinced that I have my children to thank. My responsibility as a parent has kept me going. Kept me from following him, which is all I really wanted to do and still have many thoughts and strong feelings about. I feel like real happiness, carefreeness, and light-heartedness, the type I knew, is not something that will ever return. I am not a depressive or negative type of person, and I think 35 years of practice of being a strong willed, determined, forward-looking and optimistic person who never experienced any kind of wrong in her life is what has helped me stay so ‘strong’ and to keep my head above water. Deep down I want to die. I don’t want this life without him. I don’t want God knows how many years of living with this loss. He was everything. My world. A constant I fully depended on, emotionally -  not out of need, but out of want and love. I KNEW nothing could separate us. I had one fear only, and that was to lose him in this way. Not that I had a feeling about it, but just the thought killed me. It was the one thing I knew could break me. Nothing else on this planet scares me. There’s nothing I felt I couldn’t handle. Nothing that could really get to me – but this. And it happened. In such a cruel and unexpected way. To the person who least deserved it. Least wanted it. A man who loved nothing more than his family. Who did everything for them. Who had SO MUCH to live for. He’d only just started this big adventure we were on. In my eyes, we were perfect. He was nothing short of what I wanted – something I felt the second I lay eyes on him. The way we came to be is something of a fairy tale story. My dreams came true the day he became mine. Even truer the day he moved to Australia with me. It was so short-lived. Too good to be true. And now it’s over. And I’m back, living our past life, in some way. But without him. I don’t want any kind of life without him. But here is where we are close to him by that we are close to his family. His parents, grandparents, sibling, uncles etc. All the people who helped shape him I want now to be in our children’s lives. The closest they can have to him, I guess. But it’s never-ending. It changes, somehow, but the grief doesn’t lessen. Doesn’t become milder. I can’t even say he becomes more distant any more. He’s buried somewhere in my heart, deep down inside me, and I carry my love and grief for him with me everywhere I go. These days it’s a heavy weight and still a very sore spot. It’s been an always changing journey, this grief, and obviously some days I feel lighter. I dare say it’s even felt lighter before. But now I feel it’s come to this deeply cemented end of heaviness. A reality that kills me but that I survive on a daily basis. But it crushes me, in other ways. I feel I carry not only the weight of his loss, but everything related to now being without him is so much harder. Being a mom especially. And being alone. I’m still learning about all the things I no longer have. Things I had. Things we take for granted. The things that go without saying when you’re in a relationship. When you have someone you love and who loves you back, unconditionally. Someone who is there, no matter what. And I mean there. Someone who will NEVER leave you hanging. Someone so dependable. I probably didn’t feel I really NEED all the things he gave me. And now I’m realising one by one what all those things were. And I hate it. I hate missing all those things as well as simply missing him in my life. Nothing in particular. Just knowing he’s there, without actually thinking about it. The ‘normal’ I used to have. Now nothing’s normal. And it never will be again. There’s nothing ok about this. Nothing I can or want to accept. It’s wrong. It shouldn’t be. It’s a mystery that it could happen. I will never understand this ‘death’. What is death? What’s it good for? Why do we live just to die? No, why do we die too soon? Why do some live till they’re old and others are taken away in such a cruel way? Why do my kids have to grow up without their amazing father? Why am I left here without him? I never asked for this. I don’t want this. It’s been forced upon me and I despise it. I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t like self-pity. But I do feel a hate towards the situation. And towards what happened. I feel my heart will never be mended. That I will never come to terms’ with Stefan’s death, or life without him. Not very promising but I’ve learnt to live beside that knowledge. It just doesn’t help. Maybe this is a type of depression, just without the ‘usual’ symptoms. That’s all for now...

You found the right place where people can relate.  Pour it out and let it flow.    All your bundle of emotions I have felt.  Take tiny steps and allow yourself to be ok for even just a second or minute in times when you are not.  I don't have the answers to many of your questions because they are my questions unanswered as well.  This forum has helped me I hope it helps you as well.