What does acceptance look like?

[Ray D]

One week from today will be 3 months since I lost the most important person ever in my life . A partner and the best friend I ever had. The one who stood by me more than anyone ever. 

 

I lost my sanity and my law practice around 2011... A long slow descent into a disabling world where most executive functions were failing and could not put two pieces of paper together after some family members took everything from me. A terrible loss and betrayal where the only person who remained  was B who stood by me all these years until cancer took him.

I was the caregiver and he died here and for quite a while it did not seem real. As with many, people have disappeared for the most part and the loneliness has been unbearable.

 

The truth is he IS gone and a memorial service is slated for 6 22 24. I realize acceptance is the only thing that will free me although I know I will forever miss him. But what does that look like? I have been dancing around these stages and slipping back and forth. I want to feel good about the good times again . Thankful the pain is gone. Move forward from the paralyzing grief. Stop taxing others. 

Thanks for letting me share and look forward to your thoughts and experiences. PS... My first post.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, the hardest thing in the world.  It helps to come here to read and post, a safe place where others get it and understand.
We welcome you here but sure wish it was under different circumstances.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[DWS]

4 hours ago, Ray D said:

I realize acceptance is the only thing that will free me although I know I will forever miss him. But what does that look like? I have been dancing around these stages and slipping back and forth. I want to feel good about the good times again . Thankful the pain is gone. Move forward from the paralyzing grief. Stop taxing others. 

My heart truly goes out to you on such a tremendous loss. The love and support from our one and only is irreplaceable and being without it now is the reason why we're left in grief....but the love does continue. With it only being three months, your grief is still at its rawest. There likely is still the shock and confusion of his continued absence. When it comes to the idea of acceptance, it took me a while to finally accept that my partner would no longer be here physically again but eventually it did sink in. That's when my grief intensified. What I don't and never will accept is that he had to die. I don't think it's fair to any of us to expect or look for acceptance in that realm. 

The grief won't always be paralyzing. Eventually, there will be days down the road where you'll wonder if it's gone and that you're all "better". But when it's understood that the intensity of your grief now is equivalent to the intensity of love for your partner, you will get to a point where you realize that you will always carry grief for him. You can move forward but the grief comes with you. As for "taxing others", a lot of us learn that eventually they grow tired of hearing about our loss and we realize that it's better to cope with our grief silently because they just don't get it. The hope here is that you do find someone you can feel safe with to express your broken heart. 

This is a journey that isn't easy and for most of us, it's totally unfamiliar and scary at times. There's a lot of learning that goes on. 

[Sar123]

@Ray D I am so sorry for your loss. The first few months can almost be unbearable. I lost my husband of 41 years to pancreatic cancer and I still have days where it seems unreal.  I kept busy as I could during the first year. I rejected seeing a grief counselor from hospice after he passed. My thoughts were, “How could they possibly know what this is like? Textbooks and degrees about grief are not the same as losing your spouse/partner.” I was wrong .  I eventually reached out to see a grief counselor after putting down our dog. I’m so glad I did. She was a great help and recommended joining a grief support group that was led by another grief counselor. I learned a lot from both. She showed us Tonkins Model of Grief. I think it’s a good visual.

I’m now in my 2nd year and I’m still learning to accept it. It’s not easy, but when I look back on where I was a year ago, I’m in a better place than I was. Maybe not better, but I’m used to it now. I remember last summer when a friend invited me to go see a movie. I did and it was nice to get out of the house, but going back home and my husband wasn’t there and never would be again was painful. I cried. I hated this life without him in it. But now? I’m basically used to it and it’s not as painful as it was last year. I still talk to him (in my mind), and I’ve done a few things in his memory so that helps too. Journaling is also helpful. As time goes by, remember how you felt 6 months ago. There will be days when your grief will be overwhelming - give yourself that day to cry if you need to and say tomorrow will be better. 

[JonathanFive]

Hello,

I am very sorry for your loss. We all share the story, "I lost my life partner," and have lived the "extremely difficult" experience. They say there is no "actual timeframe" for grief, nor can "acceptance" have a universal look. A loss event is something that is both "unique to our lives" and shared in the sense that "it happens to all of us at some point," when we are human, we lose other humans. It is horrible!

However, there may be an accepted definition of acceptance from a psychological perspective. However, I am not quite sure how much that definition would help in the moment, as the only thing that can truly bring about some construct of acceptance is allowing yourself to run the gamut of emotions in the weeks, months, and years following a loss event.

What might help is that you may experience "moments of acceptance," but you might not have "one continual and unending period of complete acceptance."  In fact, it may just not be congruent with the concept of a human mind to achieve a permanent state of acceptance; there may always be a thought that changes how we feel at any given moment.

Again, I am very sorry for your loss.  I hope you begin to feel better. This forum has helped me a lot.

Hugs

 

[KayC]

I never use the term moving on, and don't even like the term moving forward, because it feels so undoable...I prefer to use the term realize that it's happened as I remember in my early grief pretending he was on a trip...only he never came back from that trip.  I eventually had to realize he is gone and this is my life now...19 years Father's Day.  
We're here when you want to talk, we're listening and we care,

 

[Boggled]

Rather than that word, "acceptance," I prefer "realization" or "recognition."   Some ways, it applies to the feeling that we just can't BELIEVE or UNDERSTAND that they're not in this world ... anymore.     How can they be gone, when my heart is still connected to them, and I'm still here???????  ... at least, I THINK that's one of those things we just CAN'T understand.   Kind of like we just can't really understand infinity.

That whole 5 steps idea was for DYING people, not for the people left behind, the GRIEVING people.  

[Ray D]

21 minutes ago, Boggled said:

"That whole 5 steps idea was for DYING people, not for the people left behind, the GRIEVING people. "

For me personally they seem different. I realize he is gone but I have not been able to accept that realization nor do I want to. I feel as though there is much  more that needs to be done amd worked through. Perhaps it was the caregiving or his not taking heed for quite a long time when I was telling him I thought he bad ca.cer and his choosing to not heed my warnings and then finally learning he did not because he did not like needles. And that was when he had to give himself needles for leukemia. 

Edited June 10 by Ray D
Still navigating how this works

[KayC]

The 5 Stages of Grief debunked
The Five Stages of Grief debunked

[DWS]

1 hour ago, Ray D said:

and then finally learning he did not because he did not like needles. And that was when he had to give himself needles for leukemia. 

As someone who also fears needles, this truly breaks my heart. I can quite imagine the immense challenge and hurdle your partner had to undertake to finally get himself for a diagnosis. When my partner Tom was around, occasionally he would jokingly ask me if I had yet booked an appointment for a physical...knowing how long it had been since my last one. I procrastinated because of having to go through a blood test plus the poking and prodding. Being a healthy guy, my hesitation could kinda sorta be justified but it must have been tortuous for your partner sensing something was wrong. 

1 hour ago, Ray D said:

I feel as though there is much  more that needs to be done and worked through. Perhaps it was the caregiving or his not taking heed for quite a long time when I was telling him I thought he bad cancer

This is all to do with the processing that our confused, grief-stricken minds undergo. It's tumultuous for us...particularly in those early months because it's all that's on our minds morning, noon and night. And the processing is exhausting which is why we need sleep however we can get it. 

[P777]

On 6/8/2024 at 8:14 PM, Ray D said:

One week from today will be 3 months since I lost the most important person ever in my life . A partner and the best friend I ever had. The one who stood by me more than anyone ever. 

 

I lost my sanity and my law practice around 2011... A long slow descent into a disabling world where most executive functions were failing and could not put two pieces of paper together after some family members took everything from me. A terrible loss and betrayal where the only person who remained  was B who stood by me all these years until cancer took him.

I was the caregiver and he died here and for quite a while it did not seem real. As with many, people have disappeared for the most part and the loneliness has been unbearable.

 

The truth is he IS gone and a memorial service is slated for 6 22 24. I realize acceptance is the only thing that will free me although I know I will forever miss him. But what does that look like? I have been dancing around these stages and slipping back and forth. I want to feel good about the good times again . Thankful the pain is gone. Move forward from the paralyzing grief. Stop taxing others. 

Thanks for letting me share and look forward to your thoughts and experiences. PS... My first post.

I am sincerely sorry for your loss. This group is fantastic and we all support each other. I lost my Wife of nearly 19 years, just over 3 months ago. So you and I are on similar timeframes.

I am sure that other people have already mentioned.. but will say anyway.

Every day, I cannot believe my Wife is gone. I know she has, but at the same time its like a dream, a bad one at that.

For me,  I dont believe in any stages of grief. I do though think, time, is one key to how one person copes with their loss. However, this also depends on how good ones memory is. There are times when I am completely devastated and times I am ok. There are never two days the same. 

I am  strong believer in the afterlife, heaven or whatever one chooses to call it. However, even with this, I still think. Where is my Wife? Is she OK? When will my Son and I see her again?

I dont think the pain will ever go away, its just depends how much there is each day.

I am extremely lucky that I have our Son, and he is only young so needs looking after.

I think its about trying to make the best life we can in our lives, without our spouses. 

[HisMunchkin]

2 hours ago, Ray D said:

I realize he is gone but I have not been able to accept that realization nor do I want to.

It will take time for your brain to absorb that reality and adjust accordingly.  It's been half a year for me, and I still find moments where it "hits" me that he's gone. 

 

40 minutes ago, DWS said:

As someone who also fears needles, this truly breaks my heart. I can quite imagine the immense challenge and hurdle your partner had to undertake to finally get himself for a diagnosis. When my partner Tom was around, occasionally he would jokingly ask me if I had yet booked an appointment for a physical...knowing how long it had been since my last one. I procrastinated because of having to go through a blood test plus the poking and prodding. Being a healthy guy, my hesitation could kinda sorta be justified but it must have been tortuous for your partner sensing something was wrong. 

I am the same, so I can empathize. 

[Ray D]

4 hours ago, DWS said:

As someone who also fears needles, this truly breaks my heart. I can quite imagine the immense challenge and hurdle your partner had to undertake to finally get himself for a diagnosis.

Well, on my 60th birthday, we planned a full day out. We went to the bank and as I was getting out of the car, he said he thought he had an accident. I told him when I came back to step out so I could look. When I came back he said he checked and was bleeding. We went right home and be went upstairs, in and out of the bathroom to the steps over and over again. At a point be said he thought there was something seriously wrong. I said "You think?" When be came down he said he thought his insides were coming out. When I asked what he was talking about, he explained and I asked if he bad saved any of what he was talking about. He said he had, he got it and I looked at it and told him we are going to the ER and it was a clot. He said some were as big as his two hands with fingers touching. We spent 12 hours in the ER and I prayed all day I was wrong all along and it was diverticulitis or something else other than cancer. He had a colonoscopy amd endoscopy  finally scheduled for the following week. When he we r in for that, there was a screen that told you every step and after it said the procedure started, and the clock said 8 minutes in, I had the most horrible feeling something was terribly wrong. I just knew it was cancer. When he woke and they sent me back, I knew. The doctor came in and I just started babbling about why it took so long for him to do something and the doctor was looking at me like I was crazy and he turned to Brian and said he had rectal cancer. Brian was shocked and I was not. He said they did not know the extent bc the tumor was blocking the camera. Brian and I cried. The doctor was grave and I knew it was bad. After that was the catscan. And so a few weeks after my birthday, the doctor called on Black Friday around 7 pm. I knew it was not good and be was worried Brian would see the results... metastatic liver and lungs and over 50 tumors in each. Every holiday after something happened. I feel like I will not be able to ever forget. He also died on his best friends birthday.  Of this is not allowed... please delete.

[JonathanFive]

It take a long time Ray.  It's taken me about 6 months to being to process.  In the first 3 months, I was still in a state of shock.  Although somewhere around 90 days that shock rolled off really quickly and I began to get these intense waves of sadness that would come and go.

My sweetheart passed away December 8th, and on his following birthday I started to burn candles and buy flowers.  I've been consistently buying flowers and burning candles since than.  Crazy as it may sound, burning a ton of candles has helped me feel immensely better.  I will burn them everynight..  

I just burn candles, and burn candles.  Burn and burn and burn tons and tons of candles.

[shawnt]

Ray , my wife was very ill with cancer and the last 6 months were horrific. At the time I coped because I was her primary caregiver and she wanted to be home and I wanted to give that to her. After , I had to get over the trauma of that before my grief could be faced, all of the woulda, shoulda, coulda's and guilt because of the my perceived failure to do better for her. I needed help to end the circular thinking. Some of the help for PTSD may be applicable, it helped me. Unfortunately there are no short cuts in this path we are all walking and as far as I can tell no end, my sweet Suzy will always be gone but somehow I have learned to live within that reality. 

I found help on this site I hope you can also.

[Ray D]

12 minutes ago, shawnt said:

12 minutes ago, shawnt said:

13 minutes ago, shawnt said:

"Ray , my wife was very ill with cancer and the last 6 months were horrific. At the time I coped because I was her primary caregiver and she wanted to be home and I wanted to give that to her. After , I had to get over the trauma of that before my grief could be faced, all of the woulda, shoulda, coulda's and guilt because of the my perceived failure to do better for her. I needed help to end the circular thinking. Some of the help for PTSD may be applicable, it helped me. Unfortunately there are no short cuts in this path we are all walking and as far as I can tell no end, my sweet Suzy will always be gone but somehow I have learned to live within that reality. "

This brought me to tears because this is what has been so very, very hard.  I documented my journey on Facebook because at this age you realize there are so many things people do not talk about.  Been doing that for years because it annoys me that there are these unspoken rules...there are no Doctor Spock books for getting old and the differences between men and women and how we flip due to hormonal changes, etc.  It was odd some people reacted as I was doing something exceptional.  For me it could not or ever be enough. I AM traumatized by it all. And I have tremendous guilt.  I cannot get the images out of my mind.  I am angry I did not realize or see how close the end was at hand while others did.  It helps to know that this is not something unusual even if everyone's experiences are different, these feelings have much in common. 

I finally decided to just tell myself I did the best I could and I could not have done any more than I did.  I literally could not.  And I made sure he was comfortable.  The hospice people told me they would give him a pump for pain meds.  They never did.  Then they told me to crush pills and put them in a spoon with some water and suck it up in a syringe.  Then squirt in his cheek and rub.  There were so many pills and then they said just give him the pain pills.  But then his brain would swell or other things would go on.  So every hour for the last few days I crushed all of the pills scheduled as he was supposed to take and I delivered them.  His last night that weekend I fell asleep for three hours and woke to a groan. Up until that point that weekend I was sleeping an hour here and there.  I immediately got on it and knew it was his last day. I said so.   I still feel guilty for sleeping despite knowing we all must sleep.  A "friend" had come to stay the night for "support".  He was anything but and after Brian passed he said "Well that was anti-climatical".  That comment was confusing and traumatic and lead to the end of our relationship in short time as it became clear he was an absolute narcissist and I feel so guilty for having him over as he never shut up about himself and I only pray that Brian did not hear him.

Thank you for sharing.  Have had a productive morning and was feeling pretty good.  Then read this and as I said...to tears.  But now that I have purged this and my guilty feelings, I feel better and did as I was able to digest what you said and then share.  I know you and I did the best we could and we have nothing to feel guilty about.  Thanks so much for sharing and Suzy was blessed to have had you.  Hugs.  PS Having a bit of a hard time digesting everything and keeping up on it and responding.  Imagine that...too much help!

 

 

 

 

[HisMunchkin]

18 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

My sweetheart passed away December 8th, and on his following birthday I started to burn candles and buy flowers.  I've been consistently buying flowers and burning candles since than.  Crazy as it may sound, burning a ton of candles has helped me feel immensely better.  I will burn them everynight..  

I read somewhere that rituals to honor the loved one can help a lot. 

 

 

3 hours ago, Ray D said:

But now that I have purged this and my guilty feelings, I feel better and did as I was able to digest what you said and then share.

This is why this site is so helpful.  You will likely find someone who went through something similar who can empathize with what you're going through, as well offer insights into what has helped them.  It's also a great place to let everything out.  Hope you'll stay and continue to share as much as you wish to.  And do consider Shawnt's advice to get help with the PTSD? 

You have been through a traumatic experience.  Watching a loved one deteriorate is a very scary experience.  It still haunts me.  Sometimes I see images of my husband's face after he had passed.  Being the main caregiver can also lead to feelings of guilt.  I still find myself looking back and questioning my decisions.  Should I have done this instead?  Did I do too much of X and not enough of Y, etc?  I would apologize to him in my mind, and I find that kind of helpful.  I think the truth is, even if I did things different, I would still be questioning my decisions.  I think you, too, would have found something else to feel guilty about.  This is how lots of people go through after a death of a loved one.  I didn't even get to be by my husband's side when he passed.  The nurse called me and told me that he complained of pain and couldn't breathe so they gave him more morphine.  Then shortly after, he passed away.  I still feel awful with the thought that he was in such a state, and I feel awful that I couldn't be there (no overnight visitors allowed).  But that was how the events unfolded, and I will have to come to terms with that and just let go.       

[Ray D]

5 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

 I still feel awful with the thought that he was in such a state, and I feel awful that I couldn't be there (no overnight visitors allowed).  But that was how the events unfolded, and I will have to come to terms with that and just let go.       

 

[Ray D]

The Friday before Brian passed (which was.Monday), the nurse said that this day could be the day. I was not ready for this. And I wanted to know how I would know.  She went through a very long discussion about the signs and then said, "You probably won't even know. Most people are.not awake when they die. About 70 percent of the time they die when you are asleep. Somehow they seem to know." I was mortified. There was about 9 beers in the fridge we brought on his "RALLY DAY", the Tuesday before. It was about 10 pm and I called.l a friend who likes to drink beer in the evening because I don't drink alone. Actually dont drink hardly at all bc COVID attacked and damaged my pancreas. I ended up drinking all the beers and stayed up all night because I did not want him to die alone amd was awake when the nurse arrived in the am. So I understand and am so very sorry. 😞 

[LMR]

I sat with him in the evening though he was mostly asleep. I asked if we could let in a couple of friends but was told it wasn't time yet. He woke next morning but didn't wait for me to come back. I guess he took a look around remembering where he was and left. I wish I had been there holding his hand.

[KayC]

I wasn't allowed to be in his room when they worked on him, the memories of them working on his heart and the look of panic in his eyes when they hauled me off and locked the door to the ward are a horrid memory.  I found a chaplains room and was praying when four of them came towards me down the hall...they didn't say a word.  I screamed, "NOT MY HUSBAND!!!"  My screams could be heard everywhere.  There was a huge Thunder & lightening storm amidst a quadruple rainbow, my sister captured it with her camera...the moment he passed...I wasn't aware of it at the time but saw it when my daughter came to get me...we drove the hour plus home in it.  I told him, "Oh George, you made quite an entrance when you entered heaven!"  He would have chuckled at that.

The image she sent me only captured three of the rainbows but she said there'd been four there, a couple were real faint.

[Boggled]

On 6/10/2024 at 10:34 AM, Ray D said:

I realize he is gone but I have not been able to accept that realization nor do I want to. I feel as though there is much  more that needs to be done amd worked through.

I keep reading book after book.   On grieving, but also the kind of books I can't talk about in this "Loss of" section.   

[KayC]

I just ran across a couple of grieving books with poems in it, I'm going to give it to my friend that lost her young grown son last year.

[Bou]

On 6/8/2024 at 3:14 PM, Ray D said:

One week from today will be 3 months since I lost the most important person ever in my life . A partner and the best friend I ever had. The one who stood by me more than anyone ever. 

 

I lost my sanity and my law practice around 2011... A long slow descent into a disabling world where most executive functions were failing and could not put two pieces of paper together after some family members took everything from me. A terrible loss and betrayal where the only person who remained  was B who stood by me all these years until cancer took him.

I was the caregiver and he died here and for quite a while it did not seem real. As with many, people have disappeared for the most part and the loneliness has been unbearable.

 

The truth is he IS gone and a memorial service is slated for 6 22 24. I realize acceptance is the only thing that will free me although I know I will forever miss him. But what does that look like? I have been dancing around these stages and slipping back and forth. I want to feel good about the good times again . Thankful the pain is gone. Move forward from the paralyzing grief. Stop taxing others. 

Thanks for letting me share and look forward to your thoughts and experiences. PS... My first post.

In answer to your question.....   I don't know I don't think I have accepted it and never will.  I just have had to learn to keep moving forward.   You can accept it all you want it is not going to take away the pain of all of the memories, longing to be together, all of it.   Grief is multi faceted.  You think you got a hold on it one minute and the next your a mess.  

Hope you come back and it is not your last post.  We all learn, heal etc... from each other.  I find this forum to help even through the tears of not just myself but others.

[Boggled]

On 6/18/2024 at 12:46 PM, Bou said:

In answer to your question.....   I don't know I don't think I have accepted it and never will.  I just have had to learn to keep moving forward.   You can accept it all you want it is not going to take away the pain of all of the memories, longing to be together, all of it.   Grief is multi faceted.  You think you got a hold on it one minute and the next your a mess.  

And about "moving forward," I used to think "HOW??"   "Toward WHAT??"  But just by BEING IN TIME, time moves forward on its own and you do too.  

The first step for me was getting over being lonely.  At first, that was HUGE.  

But as other people have said, in some ways it's better to be alone than around other people, who can give temporary sympathy but can't really "get it," can't understand the magnitude or depth of this loss.   At this point (2 years after), I have contacted my one woman friend and can visit her if I want, and there's a group of 4 or 5 people I meet with once a week, so IF I have to reach out (for what??) there are at least a couple of possibilities ... but there's not much help there.  Really, this site is where I come when the super-grief/sorrow/pain/heavy-heartedness hits, and somehow reading y'all's comments helps, not a lot, and no perfect answers, but it helps!

I took in a pregnant momma cat in the winter of the first year, her kittens are now a year old, all different personalities, they seem to need to touch me, really want me to pet them!  why?  but observing the actions of the different cats and their different personalities has a kind of diverting fascination.

And diversion itself, helps, gives your mind and heart a break!   Whatever you find diverting!  I bought a "tongue drum" and bang on it and follow the extremely simple 1-2-3-4 play by the numbers little songbook that came with it.     And I read novel after novel which I've done all my life, but your attention becomes absorbed in the novel which is diversion in itself.  oh yeah, and PICKING what novel to read, is a way to manage your head IMHO.    Well, here YOU are, YOU pick!    and live by your choice;  and if you don't like what the novel is doing to your head, find a different one.     I guess it's the same with movies and TV ... and everything you choose.

[Bou]

2 hours ago, Boggled said:

And about "moving forward," I used to think "HOW??"   "Toward WHAT??"  But just by BEING IN TIME, time moves forward on its own and you do too.  

The first step for me was getting over being lonely.  At first, that was HUGE.  

But as other people have said, in some ways it's better to be alone than around other people, who can give temporary sympathy but can't really "get it," can't understand the magnitude or depth of this loss.   At this point (2 years after), I have contacted my one woman friend and can visit her if I want, and there's a group of 4 or 5 people I meet with once a week, so IF I have to reach out (for what??) there are at least a couple of possibilities ... but there's not much help there.  Really, this site is where I come when the super-grief/sorrow/pain/heavy-heartedness hits, and somehow reading y'all's comments helps, not a lot, and no perfect answers, but it helps!

I took in a pregnant momma cat in the winter of the first year, her kittens are now a year old, all different personalities, they seem to need to touch me, really want me to pet them!  why?  but observing the actions of the different cats and their different personalities has a kind of diverting fascination.

And diversion itself, helps, gives your mind and heart a break!   Whatever you find diverting!  I bought a "tongue drum" and bang on it and follow the extremely simple 1-2-3-4 play by the numbers little songbook that came with it.     And I read novel after novel which I've done all my life, but your attention becomes absorbed in the novel which is diversion in itself.  oh yeah, and PICKING what novel to read, is a way to manage your head IMHO.    Well, here YOU are, YOU pick!    and live by your choice;  and if you don't like what the novel is doing to your head, find a different one.     I guess it's the same with movies and TV ... and everything you choose.

Time moves forward on its on and so do we...... no matter if we want it or not.  Thank you for all these kind words.  I can relate.  Sounds like you have become a cat lady.  Cats are interesting little things.  I too try to keep busy.  It is when I am not busy that the feelings all feel.   UGH

So what's a good read these days?  Something that will keep me interested but not too heavy on the brain. 

[HisMunchkin]

3 hours ago, Boggled said:

I took in a pregnant momma cat in the winter of the first year, her kittens are now a year old, all different personalities,

😍😍😍!!!

[Boggled]

18 hours ago, Bou said:

So what's a good read these days?  Something that will keep me interested but not too heavy on the brain. 

and has a happy ending.   Of course that is where YOU come in.   I could recommend books I read that I enjoyed, diverting but not heavy on the brain ... but YOU should be the chooser.  Here's a few that I liked ... 

Twenties Girl - by Sophie Kinsella ... has a ghost too.     

What Rose Forgot ... by Nevada Barr ... about a woman drugged into a nursing home and how she gets out of it  

The whole "Stephanie Plum" series by Janet Evanovich (starts with One for the Money ... adventures of an inept bounty hunter, make you laugh.

Heart in the Right Place by Carolyn Jourdan ... good thoughts

 

[shawnt]

Anything by John Irving. Try Cider House Rules or A prayer for Owen Meany.

there is a Canadian  author J.P. Kinsella who's novels are ok, Box Socials made me laugh out loud. His short stories are better.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Veronica loved to read anything by Nicholas Sparks.  Another favorite of hers was Jodi Picoult, along with Brenda Novak.  An interesting one she told me about was Gail Tsukiyama.

[widower2]

On 6/18/2024 at 1:46 PM, Bou said:

In answer to your question.....   I don't know I don't think I have accepted it and never will.  

I will never accept it fully. I know the reality but there's always a part of me that is like "yeah right." 

[KayC]

And that's okay.  We don't have to accept it as in agree with it...we do have to realize eventually the circumstances we are left with and deal with it...but it's a process, and it can take years...

[DWS]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

And that's okay.  We don't have to accept it as in agree with it...we do have to realize eventually the circumstances we are left with and deal with it...but it's a process, and it can take years...

Right now, I'm thinking it's going to take the rest of my lifetime. 

[Boggled]

It's probably not "acceptance," but today I'm having this sort of surreal sense of detachment.  

Yesterday I said to myself (who else is there to say it TO?  heh heh) "I'm not good at relating to people."  And one of the cats came up to me and I said to it, "you're RELATING to me, thank you!  I appreciate it."  

I suspect one of the women in the Urantia group of not wanting me around ... I THINK she's possibly jealous of her boyfriend, our old carpenter, who knows me ... she didn't come to the meeting last week ... this week I tried calling him to find out where the meeting would be held, and his phone was disconnected;  somehow that made me just decide NOT to go ... even though this group is the only human contact every week and I've sort of counted on it.  But it was also overcast and threatening to rain (wish it really HAD rained, but in the end, nope!) and really hot and humid and somehow I just FELT ... I'm going to skip it this week.  

And today this odd feeling of detachment.  

[DWS]

12 minutes ago, Boggled said:

And today this odd feeling of detachment.  

I often can feel some strength at choosing detachment. It's me taking control and that's something that is soooooo needed on this grief journey. Relating to this, I just sent a text to a friend of mine telling him that I'm opting out of his invitation to go along with him and his partner to a Canada Day pool party today. I was certain I wasn't going to go when he asked a week ago but I mulled over it all weekend...mostly about how to tell him without disappointing him. He had really thought this was a good opportunity for me to come out of my shell. But I just don't need that kind of stress....and after sending the text, I felt the relief. 

[WithoutHer]

8 minutes ago, Boggled said:

It's probably not "acceptance," but today I'm having this sort of surreal sense of detachment.  

Yesterday I said to myself (who else is there to say it TO?  heh heh) "I'm not good at relating to people."  And one of the cats came up to me and I said to it, "you're RELATING to me, thank you!  I appreciate it."  

I suspect one of the women in the Urantia group of not wanting me around ... I THINK she's possibly jealous of her boyfriend, our old carpenter, who knows me ... she didn't come to the meeting last week ... this week I tried calling him to find out where the meeting would be held, and his phone was disconnected;  somehow that made me just decide NOT to go ... even though this group is the only human contact every week and I've sort of counted on it.  But it was also overcast and threatening to rain (wish it really HAD rained, but in the end, nope!) and really hot and humid and somehow I just FELT ... I'm going to skip it this week.  

And today this odd feeling of detachment.  

I have those relating to occurrences every day with both of my cats and dog. People who don't think animals have emotions have a lot to learn. I believe since they are so instinct driven they sense and feel more than we know.

I can relate also to not being wanted around but for different reasons. I worked quality control/assurance my entire career. Some, not all, engineers see no value added in the quality department functions.  Just an aside and observation I would put a years salary that Elon Musk is one of them observing Tesla issues since it's inception. He's brilliant but short cut driven. That thought probably will get edited but I don't care it's something I feel very deeply about.

Any way all that said I have spent hours of time justifying my existence and usually winning in the end. My favorite was one who wanted to drop ship operator positions directly from the build contractor for a military comm system. I told him not to do it without bringing them in house for testing. Well he took the screw you approach with me and convinced the program manager to save time. The supplier built the units and shipped to the customer. They were touch screens, were not XY position calibrated and the kicker they had none of our communication software loaded. The customer was pissed and sent them back 

He and the program manager were fired and yes you bet I gloated and earned some respect as well. I was hands on guy and my experience taught me so many things that can go wrong in manufacturing. Not even today's assembly robots no matter how many hours efficient are without flaws. It's difficult to shut myself up on this subject especially about all the government procedures that have done nothing to improve quality. IE see Boeing.

 

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

He had really thought this was a good opportunity for me to come out of my shell. But I just don't need that kind of stress....and after sending the text, I felt the relief. 

I know they mean well and fortunately I only get such shell related suggestions from the occasional store clerk who knows me and the situation and a rare bystander that feels the need to interceed with advice. I don't bark back outside but inside I'm suppressing with all my might to not shout out "When you loose the love of your life then you have the right to give me some advice I might relate to" 

But in truth where I am now after this length of time, which is enough for me, I have no desire to attempt mixing it up with people I don't know. All my life I never chased a relationship of any kind. They just happened, the good and the bad. Brought me my first wife. Have nothing bad to about her. Life circumstances drifted is apart. 2 wife? Slow developing nightmare, nuff said. But then came Vickie with her own past issues. It was good karma at work and it just happened. At my age I think relationships are over and I don't want a replacement for Vickie. If a friend comes along? Which would be a blessing to my situation. It will just happen.

Man I'm really rambling today. Sorry 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, DWS said:

Right now, I'm thinking it's going to take the rest of my lifetime. 

It does, it  has a beginning but not an ending...until we see them again!

[DWS]

52 minutes ago, WithoutHer said:

I know they mean well and fortunately I only get such shell related suggestions from the occasional store clerk who knows me...

This is where self-checkout has really been a blessing for me. I've mentioned in some past post that before Tom came along, I never felt comfortable using one. He patiently showed me how....so in my own funny way, I feel I honour him every time I use self-checkout with the added bonus of not having to answer a sale's clerk's friendly "how's your day going?"

[Bou]

3 hours ago, DWS said:

Right now, I'm thinking it's going to take the rest of my lifetime. 

me too.  Just when I think I have a grip on it.  I don't.  The loneliness of not having the person you shared it all with is just too much.  

All the things I have had to learn to do myself is just embarrassing.  Pump gas, the self check out with confidence, getting a debit card and using it, car and house maintenance.........   but the worst is doing everything alone.  I strike up conversations about mundane s*** with strangers all the time.  You get me in the right mood and I will talk your ear off because I don't have my person to talk his ear off.    Makes me feel pathetic. 

I guess I should just be happy I am moving at this point.  It just feels like I take three steps forward and five steps back somedays.   I feel lost somedays all together.  Maybe overwhelmed.  a sense of melancholy.  

[KayC]

Hey, I talk the ear off of salespeople that call!  One told me they get paid the same regardless so it doesn't matter...

[HisMunchkin]

5 hours ago, DWS said:

I'm opting out of his invitation to go along with him and his partner to a Canada Day pool party today.

Oh, HAPPY CANADA DAY, fellow Canadian!!!!! 🍁🎉

 

2 hours ago, Bou said:

but the worst is doing everything alone.

I hear ya!  But at the same time, you should feel proud of yourself that you were able to accomplish all that you did. 

 

 

2 hours ago, Bou said:

I strike up conversations about mundane s*** with strangers all the time.  You get me in the right mood and I will talk your ear off because I don't have my person to talk his ear off.    Makes me feel pathetic. 

No need to feel pathetic.  It's actually good for your health to have a bit of conversation with even strangers and distant acquaintances each day. 

 

 

I forgot add, it's kind of confusing to me - how would every define "acceptance" anyway?? 

[KayC]

Aversion to Thoughts Of "Acceptance" and "Moving On"

[Boggled]

17 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

I forgot add, it's kind of confusing to me - how would every define "acceptance" anyway?? 

yeah, that's what this thread is about.   Me, I got mad several months in to this grief journey, at the whole 5-step IDEA, oh, so!!! ....  oh ... hunh ... there's this nice, neat, step by step arrangement of "things we go through" to finally get to the end of grief?????????    hogwash.

[DWS]

19 hours ago, KayC said:

Aversion to Thoughts Of "Acceptance" and "Moving On"

From this nicely written article: "But we are not you, and comparing yourself with others or judging your journey against anyone else’s will not help you heal."

Those are wise and important words. Making the observation that someone seems to be doing "better" than us...particularly when their loss happened around the same time or even in less time...can be so damaging to any healing that has occurred. Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot of solid advice we can give that will help someone in grief but there certainly are plenty of things that won't and this is definitely one of them. 

[HisMunchkin]

On 7/1/2024 at 3:38 PM, KayC said:

Aversion to Thoughts Of "Acceptance" and "Moving On"

Thank you!

Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it. ~ Michael J. Fox

[Sar123]

On 7/1/2024 at 12:27 PM, Bou said:

Just when I think I have a grip on it.  I don't.  The loneliness of not having the person you shared it all with is just too much.  

 

You have described how I’ve been feeling today. It helps to know I’m not alone in feeling like this.

I have to make some pretty big decisions regarding my place up north and my house (it feels so weird to transition from “our” to “my” and “we” to “I or me”). It can be overwhelming at times. I don’t mind learning to do new things that my husband used to do- thank goodness for YouTube! It’s having to make decisions on my own that’s been difficult. I have to ask myself what would my husband think about this or what would he do. When someone said year 2 can be hard, they were spot on about that. I’m not as raw as I was a year ago and the waves of grief are not nearly as intense, but I still have my moments and they’re usually unexpected. I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better day. 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it. ~ Michael J. Fox

And if anyone should know of what they speak, it is him.  Thank you for that quote.

10 hours ago, Sar123 said:

I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

I hope so too...(((hugs)))

[HisMunchkin]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

And if anyone should know of what they speak, it is him.  Thank you for that quote.

Thank you for the link!

And ya - so sad seeing him in recent years. 😔

[shawnt]

I don't know where else to put this thought.

I have been missing my Suzy a lot lately, but not in a griefy way but in an everyday way , you know simple things, no cold feet on my legs when I wake, no shared coffee first thing and the blurry comments about what we need to do, the continuations of talks about this and that, do we go to so and so. 

I have recognized it all as a form of homesickness , missing someplace warm and comfortable and where I was loved and where I belong. I miss my wife and I want to feel like I belong somewhere, anywhere . If I follow that thought to far it leads back to the razor sharp pain of grief .

Sorry that's as far as my thinking goes, incomplete as of yet. It feels like there may be more to it but I bump up against the pain and resist.