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Can't Stand the Grief


sadmama

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sadmama

Trigger Warning

It's been 3 months. And I just can't let him go. He was 17, probably closer to 18. My neice was a toddler when she named him Baby. He was so small and still so strong; his little nose was scarred up, his ear was torn and he was missing patches of fur, but he was lively and playful. He kissed my mother and fell asleep under my future husbands shirt. I kept him in a box in my room, he was so small and he never complained; years of childhood trauma made sleep difficult, I had to keep the light on or sleep during the day, that changed because of him.

As the years past: he would climb on my shoulder as I got ready for work, when PTSD caused my breakdown, he adjusted and kept me on a schedule; when my husband showed his true colors, when the abuse ramped up, he was there. Late nights turned to a phobia of being outside, I had no one to turn to, but he was there; giving me all the love and support I needed. His curiosity got me over the worst of my agoraphobia. When things got to their darkest point, he saved me.  And in the end I couldn't save him.

He had hyperthyroidism, but it was under control. One day, he called out for me and when I greeted him, he was stumbling. Then it progressed by the time my husband(reformed) managed to get home. He couldn't stand. Then he couldn't move at all. It hurts too much to write his last moments. I can't bare it. The doctor's said it was strokes. I cling onto his blood work still. The doctor said it was nearly immaculant. How could this happen? How could we work so hard to keep him so healthy and happy and he just have to go through so much pain? We had to euthanize him, I hate it but it's done. He couldn't keep suffering, he didn't deserve to. 

Now, I'm back to long, lonley nights, nightmares that we buried him alive; I physically go looking for him in all his usual spots, I cry, I scream. I worry he's crying for me to help him up the stairs, or let him into the backyard, or just to have company and that he doesn't understand why I can't. I devoted my life to him, everything he wanted, I gave. The best food, he had a high end orthopedic dog bed, he had all my pillows, blankets, treats, anything I could give. My biggest fear, the reason I never did anything permanent to myself, was that he would be there, crying for me to help him and now I don't know where his is, how he feels, if he feels anything at all. I'm on antipsychotics to help with this maddening pain, but they don't help. My therapist says this is normal. I hated my life before, and though this has brought my family closer, I still can't stand to live without him. I leave the lights on until daylight now, and even though I'm anxious outside, I can't stand to be home, but while I'm out, I feel like I'm abandoning him. I can't find peace. I want to know he is okay. I spoke with a psychic who says he is but I can't stop the pain.

I'm so sorry to all of you who have lost, I'm sorry that we are in this, I'm sorry to dump my troubles here with you but it's the only thing I haven't tried yet. I hope you all can find peace and that your loved ones can rest. I'm attaching a photo of my prince; please, please pray for him, think of him, anything. I need him to be alright.

20240312_082208 (1).jpg

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Keep reading, watching videos, your heart is trying to hang onto the guilt in an effort to maintain ties to him.  In time I hope you will be able to let go of the guilt, realize he loves you and is not holding anything against you, that's not how animals are.  I know this is a hard journey, I've been through it, I think most of us who have lost our beloved animal feel guilt unwarranted or not, but in time let it go and realize while we may not be perfect, we loved and cared for them the best we knew to do...and you had a lot on your plate.

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sadmama
24 minutes ago, KayC said:

Keep reading, watching videos, your heart is trying to hang onto the guilt in an effort to maintain ties to him.  In time I hope you will be able to let go of the guilt, realize he loves you and is not holding anything against you, that's not how animals are.  I know this is a hard journey, I've been through it, I think most of us who have lost our beloved animal feel guilt unwarranted or not, but in time let it go and realize while we may not be perfect, we loved and cared for them the best we knew to do...and you had a lot on your plate."

Sorry if I'm doing this incorrectly.

 

Thank you for your response and for reaching out. I'm so terribly sorry for your losses, I wish it were different for everyone here. You're a wonderful human being, thank you for devoting your time and care. 

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42 minutes ago, sadmama said:

Sorry if I'm doing this incorrectly.

Please, don't do this, you are so hard on yourself!  It's not you are doing anything incorrectly, to each of us there is our way, this is a unique journey for unique people, we learn as we go, it's more about letting go of the guilt, not that we had it.  It's a process, not overnight.  I'm just so sorry it hurts so much, I know it does, I lost my Arlie (soulmate in a dog) five years ago and 25 1/2 year old Kitty just 4 1/2 months later.  It was a very rough time.  I still have Arlie's coat hanging on a chair here, both of them are buried in my back yard with tombstones.  I dread the day I am too old to stay here anymore (lots of snow, hauling wood, I'm in my 70s now).

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foreverhis
18 hours ago, sadmama said:

And in the end I couldn't save him

Welcome.  I'm so very sorry you have a reason to be here with us.

About what I quoted above.  It sounds like he was a rescue?  If that's the case, you didn't just save him, you gave him a wonderful life.  We here understand what it is to feel helpless in the face of losing the companion animals and people we love most in the world.  We question; we feel guilty, even though we aren't; we ask the "Why did/didn't I...?" and "I should/shouldn't have..." questions of ourselves often.  Perhaps the hardest part of loving a pet is knowing from the very first day that we will almost certainly outlive them.

What a precious boy, so adorable.  It sounds like the two of you saved each other.  That is a rare and precious gift.  You clearly did everything you could and you gave him love and care every minute.  He left for the Rainbow Bridge after a life filled with your love.  That's everything.  It really is.

Please give yourself the grace to know that you did everything and gave him a full life.  I do know how hard it is right now to believe in your heart that you did everything you could, but I feel certain that you did.

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sadmama
6 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Welcome.  I'm so very sorry you have a reason to be here with us.

About what I quoted above.  It sounds like he was a rescue?  If that's the case, you didn't just save him, you gave him a wonderful life.  We here understand what it is to feel helpless in the face of losing the companion animals and people we love most in the world.  We question; we feel guilty, even though we aren't; we ask the "Why did/didn't I...?" and "I should/shouldn't have..." questions of ourselves often.  Perhaps the hardest part of loving a pet is knowing from the very first day that we will almost certainly outlive them.

What a precious boy, so adorable.  It sounds like the two of you saved each other.  That is a rare and precious gift.  You clearly did everything you could and you gave him love and care every minute.  He left for the Rainbow Bridge after a life filled with your love.  That's everything.  It really is.

Please give yourself the grace to know that you did everything and gave him a full life.  I do know how hard it is right now to believe in your heart that you did everything you could, but I feel certain that you did.

Thank you so much. Your beautiful words bring a better sort of tears to my eyes. Thank you for reaching out through your own pain. 

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