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I lost the one, and I need help

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Sad Pony

I am 1 week into a break up with the love of my life.  I met him in high school,  and we dated when I was in college but it didn't work because I was in a different province to him.  Fast forward like 5 years and he reached out to me again and we got in a very serious relationship. 

I moved in with him,  I worked for him (he has his own company).. He was the first to start talking about marriage and kids.  The relationship was very passionate,  but fights started occurring because of stupid things,  especially because I have very bad insecurity issues (I was bit by a dog in the face and the owners digardrd me and basically left me for dead).  Because of this I get really insecure and upset If I see him even look at another woman.  

I ended up going through his Facebook searches and saw that he was looking at other women.. Very beautiful women.  I confronted him and he claimed he was blocking them and clicking on see less,  but they were not blocked so yeah that wasn't really true.  I approached it in a calm manner, and stated that I would finish the day's work but then I just needed some space and that I wanted to have some wine,  which upset him because I did develop a drinking problem,  especially after the dog bite.  

The conversation turned into a massive blow out.  He kicked me out the house and then I had to go back to my mom (in a different province). I am now jobless,  and in a lot of pain.  We've been in no contact for 1 week,  and I'm starting to think it's really over.  I'm so shattered,  I can't eat or sleep.. I'm clinging on to the false hope that he will reach out,  but he's blocked me on everything.  I deleted all forms of social media except YouTube.  I have been watching relationship coaches on no contact and how to get him back,  but the false hope is hurting me.  

My body is physically shaking and my jaw hurts from it clenching.  I can't stop crying and I have no appetite.  To deal with the grief,  I made a poem and uploaded it to YouTube -  here's the link if you wanna see it.  

I'm so shattered and so scared for my future. I'm definitely going to get closer to God,  because he created my heart and knows how to fix it.  

I just feel so alone. Why is love pain?  I don't want a rebound,  because I can't see myself with anyone else.  I thought I had it all but now I'm left with nothing and no one.  I'm 26. 


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I am so sorry, it's hard, I know, but the best is a clean break, not looking at each other's social media, not stalking each other, just a clean break.
Here is my story:
Here I Go Again

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