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Disbelief and overwhelming sadness


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This past Sunday was my 5-year-old daughters dance recital.  When her group finished, the 8 years and up group went on.  Shortly after their dance number started a little girl collapsed on the stage.  Her father jumped up and carried her off.  We were stunned but her group went on dancing.  I was a bit distraught because I saw her dad scoop her up and I can see she was having some sort of seizure.  Shortly thereafter the recital was stopped and eventually cancelled.  We didn't hear anything the rest of the night.  My daughter knew one of her dance mates had fainted but she danced at home talking about when they would be able to complete the show.  We had no idea that the little girls family's lives would be changed forever.  The next morning I reached out to one of the other moms and found out the devastating news that she never recovered after she collapsed.  She passed away that Sunday which was also the day of her 9th bday.  I have not been the same since.  There are moments like when I am with my daughter where I am fine.  I don't want her to know what happened to her friend that fainted.  She hasn't asked and I can't bring myself to tell her.  But whenever I think about it it hits me all over again.  She's gone and her family will never hold her again, will never celebrate her birthday or watch her dance again.  When I think about her father picking her up and knowing that they were never able to see her beautiful smile again or her eyes shining behind her little glasses.  I can't believe it.  I can't understand it.  I think about my daughter and how I can't imagine that mother's pain.  It's be devastating for me.  I received her gofundme that evening and was so distraught I could not sleep and was unable to work the next day.  I found comfort in knowing that her family collected all the funds they asked for in order to send her off and to support them during this time in less than 24 hours.  There has been such an outpouring of love and support.  Now yesterday I got word of her viewing and funeral arrangements and here I am again looking to understand how this can happen.  Everyone tells me, "don't carry this pain like this.  Your daughter is fine be grateful and happy for her health."   I realize that and I am so grateful for my daughter but I can't stop these waves of pain that overcome me knowing that we all saw her in her last moments on this earth.  That we saw the beginning of her parent and little sister's pain and suffering.  Where can I find comfort where there is none?  I hope someone here can help me.  

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