First Major loss-My Dad

[CrystalD]

I lost my Dad 2 years ago May 13th. I still am in shock some days and I'm just starting to feel like there is something wrong with me. I seem to be the only one out of my siblings who is dealing with it the hardest. My husband makes that painfully clear by comparing me to them. Saying they all are still going on and they have jobs. I feel like so many changes have happened since losing him too. It's almost like my husband has changed unless it's just me. I feel like I can't really talk to him about my feelings of it. He doesn't say it but to me it seems like he wants me to just get over it and move on. But I can't and I still think about it all the time. Everything he went through slowly dying on a ventilator. I don't know what to do because now my husband is working longer hours and making all these friends and its just like I still need him for emotional support and it's like he doesn't even care. I feel all alone. It's like he forgets i had this life transformation and  most devastating event happen in my life. He's so insensitive sometimes. Like days when I need him he rather go to lunch with friends then he says I don't have friends because how I am talking about me being emotional as if I have no right to be. It just hurts. Then he's talked about me to his friends saying I'm acting crazy. He's never done this or been so involved in friends till now. I was told tonight that there is something wrong with me. Yeah I know there is and he should know why too. I not only suffer from depression/anxiety before my Dad passed away but now I'm dealing with all that on top of grief. He just doesn't even seem to care.. maybe he can't understand because he hasn't lost anyone related to him. I just feel like I'm in a nightmare half the time and can't escape. And he's the only one I can go to besides my Mom as a safe place and for emotional comfort. My biggest fear is losing anyone else now and I sometimes feel like I'm losing him. He doesn't seem interested in trying to fix any of our problems in our marriage anymore either. I know I'm alot to deal with especially since losing my Dad. I'm  afraid the grief is doing all this. I'm so lost.

[KayC]

I'm sorry for your loss, and no there's nothing "wrong" with you, we all experience our losses uniquel and you are right, people don't know what they haven't been through themselves.  It might help if you went to couples therapy but it'd have to be with someone who understood loss as well.

My heart goes out to you.  

Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Traz]

On 5/4/2024 at 5:20 AM, CrystalD said:

I lost my Dad 2 years ago May 13th. I still am in shock some days and I'm just starting to feel like there is something wrong with me. I seem to be the only one out of my siblings who is dealing with it the hardest. My husband makes that painfully clear by comparing me to them. Saying they all are still going on and they have jobs. I feel like so many changes have happened since losing him too. It's almost like my husband has changed unless it's just me. I feel like I can't really talk to him about my feelings of it. He doesn't say it but to me it seems like he wants me to just get over it and move on. But I can't and I still think about it all the time. Everything he went through slowly dying on a ventilator. I don't know what to do because now my husband is working longer hours and making all these friends and its just like I still need him for emotional support and it's like he doesn't even care. I feel all alone. It's like he forgets i had this life transformation and  most devastating event happen in my life. He's so insensitive sometimes. Like days when I need him he rather go to lunch with friends then he says I don't have friends because how I am talking about me being emotional as if I have no right to be. It just hurts. Then he's talked about me to his friends saying I'm acting crazy. He's never done this or been so involved in friends till now. I was told tonight that there is something wrong with me. Yeah I know there is and he should know why too. I not only suffer from depression/anxiety before my Dad passed away but now I'm dealing with all that on top of grief. He just doesn't even seem to care.. maybe he can't understand because he hasn't lost anyone related to him. I just feel like I'm in a nightmare half the time and can't escape. And he's the only one I can go to besides my Mom as a safe place and for emotional comfort. My biggest fear is losing anyone else now and I sometimes feel like I'm losing him. He doesn't seem interested in trying to fix any of our problems in our marriage anymore either. I know I'm alot to deal with especially since losing my Dad. I'm  afraid the grief is doing all this. I'm so lost.

Hi CrystalD,

It really is hard for people to understand grief if they've never lost someone close to them. My husband had a hard time understanding my loss (my mom). He didn't have a relationship with his own father, so he wasn't upset when he passed. His Mom is still alive at 92 and he has all his siblings. I've lost my mother, father and brother. 

There is nothing wrong with you, but there's a lot wrong with your husband's behaviour toward you and your grieving process. I'm going on year 5 of living without my mom and there are still days where the grief feels so deep and so painful I don't know what to do with it. 

My sisters seemed to have handled our mother's death better than I have, so you're not alone that way. You hear it over and over again: that there's not a specific way or right way to grieve. Every person has their own unique coping mechanism. What you don't need, is pressure from people who are supposed to love you, telling you how to feel. They are not you. 

I love my husband, but he can be insensitive too. I have had to seek comfort from other resources (youtube channels about near death experiences) and some counselling. You might find it helpful to seek out a counsellor or therapist trained in grief and loss. Or group grief counselling may be of benefit. That hour will be for you, without judgement and with people who know exactly what you are going through. You need to focus on you. Maybe down the road you and your husband could go for couple's therapy or counselling. He might learn some communication skills. 

There is nothing 'wrong' with you. You are grieving. It's a life-long process and is part of your journey. You are not alone. 

[lilstarsmum]

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, CrystalD. My heart goes out to you and wish I could give you a hug. I can totally understand what you’re going through. Losing a special person in our lives is very hard, and the impact of such a loss is deep. The sorrow can affect us in many ways. Not everyone can understand the grief and pain that accompany such a loss. It’s important to let yourself go through the process and give yourself as much time as you need. It’s okay to cry, let the tears come. This can be a way to release pain. I lost my dad 7yrs back and it still hurts. Although I have a supportive husband, I went through a tough time remembering all the good times and those last few days with my dad in hospital. There were some mean people too who caused more pain after his passing away. Please take good care of yourself. I’d suggest that you talk to a grief counselor. You may also check out the book: When You Lose Someone You Love by Richard Exley. I just said a prayer for you, and I hope that you feel loved and get help soon. Stay strong, friend. Please know that you can always come here to share, and I’m here to support you. Sending hugs your way.