Came home to find cat dead

[clumsynshy]

I can't sleep. I've experienced a lot of loss over the last few months. My grandad and mom both passed in February. And now I'm distraught over losing a stray cat I grew very attached to. I have four cats of my own, which I never imagined having that many. So, when a mother cat brought her litter to my patio back in October (amid my mom having fallen very ill), it was overwhelming. I wanted to trap them and get them fixed, but my life was pure chaos at that point. So, I fed and cared for them with the plan of trapping them when life gave me a bit of a break. I became incredibly attached to one of them, who I thought was a boy. Every day, the cat would greet me at my patio door. Would let me hold it and purred. I knew it would make someone a great pet. And there were about a million times I wanted to add a fifth to our crew. Yesterday, I came home to find a tail sticking out from one of my cat houses on my patio, and I had a bad feeling. I lightly tapped the house with my foot, and the tail didn't move.

I knew it was my favorite kitty. When I looked inside, there she was. Turns out she was a female. She had passed. And inside with her were four newborn kitties. It was overwhelming and devastating. I took the kitties out and reached out to rescues for help. I found a foster with a mama cat who recently lost some kittens. Thankfully, she took on the kittens as her own. And I'm grateful for that. But I had to come home, bag that sweet cat, and bring it to our animal shelter. I feel incredible guilt. I didn't even know he was a she, and I didn't realize she was pregnant. She was so small and young. They believe she likely had one more baby that didn't come out and died from sepsis. Now, every morning, I wake up and see my patio and cry when I realize she's not there to greet me. Then I feel tremendous guilt because had I trapped and fixed her, she wouldn't have died. She was only seven months old. I can't get her sweet face out of my head. In her honor, I'm making sure to trap her siblings and get them fixed this week. I hope I can get past this. I've had so much death in my life this year. Yet, I can't get this sadness and guilt out of my head and heart. And every day is a reminder she's gone. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry, sorry for your loss, sorry for the way she died, everything.  That must have been hard to find and see.  And on top of your losses.  You will follow through with your plans so her death won't be in vain.  My heart goes out to you.

You can rest assured your kitty is at peace now...

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died over 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[KayC]

And I hope this will be of help to you with your many losses...I wrote it nine years ago, I lost my husband 19 years ago, he'd just turned 51, it was Father's Day.  I've been on grief sites on a daily basis ever since, this is what I've gleaned from my experience and that of countless others over the years.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[clumsynshy]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

And I hope this will be of help to you with your many losses...I wrote it nine years ago, I lost my husband 19 years ago, he'd just turned 51, it was Father's Day.  I've been on grief sites on a daily basis ever since, this is what I've gleaned from my experience and that of countless others over the years.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

You are so kind. Your response and sharing of your own grief do make me feel less alone. I see you taking the time to do this for so many people, and what a kindness. You just want someone to listen and acknowledge your pain and ease the guilt. Thank you for doing this for so many people. I feel like it may seem silly to some to grieve this much over a stray cat after the loss of my mom and grandad so close to one another, but I appreciate you not making me feel that way. It brings some much-needed light into my life. Thank you for your prayers.

[KayC]

22 minutes ago, clumsynshy said:

I feel like it may seem silly to some to grieve this much over a stray cat after the loss of my mom and grandad

Not at all silly!  I have a feral cat I've had over two years, not allowed in the house (he gouges everything on my house and patio and ramp in spite of cat scratchers, plus he's nocturnal and I have a hard time sleeping.  But I love him.  Two days ago a bear came up my 40 ft ramp and onto my patio that's on stilts up 8 ft...I was like mama bear and flipped on the patio light and made noise at him!  Poor Panther was woke out of a sound sleep and ran off, he's 20 lbs, fat asnd drooling, but he took care of himself, I am so proud of him!  But he's skittish now and barely eating.  It was 4 am, I'm so thankful I was awake!  He made a lot of noise though!  Found out from neighbors that he has an injured foot which explains why after my 47 years here, he did what no other had done.  He got into my garbage just before that. 

We love our cats, even if we never adopted them, they are God's creatures, so is the bear, but not allowing him to seize Panther!

[clumsynshy]

5 minutes ago, KayC said:

Not at al silly!  I have a feral cat I've had over two years, not allowed in the house (he gouges everything on my house and patio and ramp in spite of cat scratchers, plus he's nocturnal and I have a hard time sleeping.  But I love him.  Two days ago a bear came up my 40 ft ramp and onto my patio that's on stilts up 8 ft...I was like mama bear and flipped on the patio light and made noise at him!  Poor Panther was woke out of a sound sleep and ran off, he's 20 lbs, fat asnd drooling, but he took care of himself, I am so proud of him!  But he's skittish now and barely eating.  It was 4 am, I'm so thankful I was awake!  He made a lot of noise though!  Found out from neighbors that he has an injured foot which explains why after my 47 years here, he did what no other had done.  He got into my garbage just before that. 

We love our cats, even if we never adopted them, they are God's creatures, so is the bear, but not allowing him to seize Panther!

Ha! What an adventure. I'm glad you were awake, too.

I have become so attached to these furry visitors, and the one I lost this week was just one of my favorites. I hope the image of her body will fade from my mind and be replaced by all the great memories I have of her during her short time on this earth. Thanks again, KayC. You have a kind heart and are obviously also a good friend to the little creatures. 

[KayC]

1 minute ago, clumsynshy said:

I hope the image of her body will fade from my mind and be replaced by all the great memories I have of her during her short time on this earth.

That is what I will pray for.