I think my indecisiveness caused my dog's premature departure

[sadpumpkin]

We lost our little beloved family dog of 12 years yesterday. Apart from sense of loss, I currently feel alot of regret and anger, for not having planted my foot down and pushing through with decisions. i feel guilty for prolonging his pain, and possibly prematurely ending his life. 

i am the person who goes with him to the vet and pays for his expenses. mom takes care of his daily needs. dad handles his exercise and the rest of my family showers him with alot of care and love. he got diagnosed with osteoarthritis about a month ago, and the extreme pain comes and goes. he had been vomitting often over the past two weeks but always managed to recover in three days. Just  the night before he left us, he was limp with laboured breathing, and I was ready with the Subcutaneous injection fluids when my 40 yr old older sister violently objected n physically blocked me from going near him. I had begged the vet's to give me the fluids previously for the first round of vomitting, as a precaution. I went by sis's wishes and kept away the fluids as she was so upset and protective over him, and also i subconsciously wanted him to recover after a night's rest, n become his usual greedy self, like he did recently after an earlier vomitting episode. We then stroked him gently. While he had trouble breathing or moving, he lifted his head when one of our family members waved and said bye everyone - a familiar voice he loved. Such a sweet family baby. Shortly after, i left the house (i dont stay there) and before leaving, asked mom to administer garbapentin, as she has been the one feeding him all along and I didnt wan to accidentally overdose him,and she agreed. 

a few hours later, my sis said he was getting better and had sat up. i saw from the photos that his ears were low his eyes were listless but still looking, a sign of pain. i asked if mom haf given the garbapentin. sis said no and in the end it was not administered as they were more worried he hadnt eaten for two days and his stomach was weak. a few hours went on and I got the most dreaded call - he had become unresponsive. in the arms of my grieving parents. when i got to him he was still warm but his gums were white and dry. i was qt sure he had left uncomfortably. I also found out mum was disorientated from the stress and couldnt recall if she had given the medication. 

i was also sure i could have done more and i cannot stop hating myself since. I felt guilt today even when I drank water - i thought of him possibly having died from dehydration more than anything else as he had been unable to stomach water he drank. I was pretty certain the fluid injections would have helped him feel much better, as shared by a friend handling palliative care for cats. if only i had been decisive and done it - albeit first time, i was prepared theoretically. 

i hate myself, and I cant share this with my family who have deluded themselves into thinking he had left peacefully. to make things worse, I had signed him up for an osteoarthritis jab, and rehab packages due to start the very same day and week he left. I sense he wasnt ready to go but the pain and dehydration took over. I let my loyal dog down, he has been the best boy around, no whining or vocalising of pain but i could see his painful trembles, clenching lower jaw and soiling himself from lack of control. without training, he was the kind heart that wouldnt hurt a lizard (but will hunt them). he forced himself to trot through the house to go to his potty in between his episodes whenever he felt better. He really was the best boy and I cant even be good to another dog now without recalling I've let this golden boy down. Regret has never felt this bad - it is taking a toll on my mind as I feel like a traitor everytime I respond to small talk in office today, take a sip of water or enjoy anything without my dog in this world. I dont deserve him, all the years of his precious life on earth he gave it to us. I don't deserve to be happy when he is no longer here. This feels 100 times worse than when my relatives passed away. 

[KayC]

You can rest assured he is at peace now and no longer in pain.  Do not blame yourself for his death or his pain, he love/d you and they live in the moment without affixing pain or wondering why this is happening.
I am very sorry for your loss.  It can feel harder than losing a human for so many reasons, we live with them, interact with them, they are always loyal and forgiving.  I called my Arlie my soulmate in a dog.  

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died over 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[klowndog]

Your pup new very well and still knows that you would gladly turn the whole world over to bring him back. Dogs are smarter than most people give them credit for especially when it comes to emotional matters IE how much you love them. Don't beat yourself up. You didn't make the world, or the rules we must abide. The part that was under your control (showing love when you had the opportunity) you handled with flying colors. Your pup will always be with you. For what it's worth, I believe we have been soul connected to our dogs before, and will be reunited again and again.