Why Am I Still Here?

[MittGriz]

Individual grief is different for everyone, and may have felt like you have nothing to live for. When did you no longer want to die? Not suicidal, but feeling you don’t care to live. Do not believe in after life. If I did, and were able to be reunited with my spouse, would not be here today.  Lost and alone with no purpose to continue.

[KayC]

I think most of us didn't want to live in the beginning, whether we believed in afterlife or not.  My heart goes out to you, I know this is tough.  It helps to come here to read and post and know you are not alone in this.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Sar123]

I am sorry for your loss. This grief journey is hard and painful.

Journaling has helped me. I felt the same way a year ago. It’s been 16 months since I’ve lost my husband. I kept busy last summer with getting things in order. I decided to go to a grief counselor and grief support group after I had to put our dog down 8 months ago. We discussed this topic in the group. The grief counselor asked us where we were now  vs a year ago. Even the tiniest step forward can help you see that it’s a little bit better than before. One member said she could not listen to music that they both loved without crying and now she said she was able to sing along to  their favorite song. Another said he wasn’t eating much a year ago, but is eating more now. I get that it’s hard to find a purpose to keep going and it’s one that I’ve struggled with. I did get a rescue dog and that has helped. He’s a sweetie. I have accepted that I will never be happy like I was before, but I do have happy moments with my kids and grandchildren even though they live in another country and another state. I still miss him. I always will. Grief doesn’t disappear, but we can grow around it. 

[JonathanFive]

Losing a sense of purpose is one of the most challenging and troubling parts of grief.  I struggled and continue to struggle daily to find a sense of purpose, hope, and a semblance of joy and enjoyment.

I learned that "we do not need to find one purpose" to move on.  We must find "lots of purpose, lots of reasons."  After a loss event, I think we commonly look back at our lives and view purpose as a singular construct. Primarily because of the closeness we have shared with our loved ones, the uniqueness of the experience of life with them as a unit of one is quite logically a singular ideal within our mind. Now, living with this devastating loss, our mind is searching for that purpose that has in itself stayed with us and left us at the same time.

I think one way forward—certainly not the easiest, and certainly not the hardest—is to attempt to find all kinds of varied and worthy purposes. To be purposeful, we may find ourselves helpful in a variety of ways.

One of my purposes, and it has been very helpful, has been to light candles every night.  Purpose can be big, or minor, or just a baby step, or a major step. 

I also love my dogs.  If you do not have a pet...  now is the time to go get one for sure.

Keep posting here.  I am very sorry for your loss.

[MittGriz]

I nearly deleted the post thinking how crazy this sounds and became paranoid about being committed. Am aware wanting to die not uncommon. In early grief, crazy is the norm.

Have been solitary most of my life except for my spouse, and have no one now. Other persons having loss spouse in online groups best mutual support. Grief has evolved into guilt and regret but there is no way now to forgive what I keep reliving, that I should have done better. We were not able to communicate as well as we always had about everything else. Dying and death talk was very hard and my emotions were uncontrollable.

Unsure if I can ever be happy again, or deserve to be. The life we shared is over, and the good times are   happy memories. A life well lived and old enough to realize my own end is near. Until then will miss her and attempt to endure this pain as long as I live.

[HisMunchkin]

Welcome!  And I'm so sorry for your loss.  I can't tell you when that feeling goes away since I still feel it every now and then.  It does seem to be a bit less frequent after almost 5 months. 

2 hours ago, MittGriz said:

Have been solitary most of my life except for my spouse, and have no one now.

I'm on a very similar boat.

2 hours ago, MittGriz said:

Grief has evolved into guilt and regret but there is no way now to forgive what I keep reliving, that I should have done better.

Have you tried talking to her?  Tell her that you're sorry for ____[whatever you think you did wrong]____.  For me, I found that that helped a bit to just let it all out.  I also found that telling him all the things about him that I'm grateful for.  "Thank you for loving me...etc."  I'm not religious or anything, but I still talk to him in my head.

 

[MittGriz]

Loss Date also Dec., 2023.

Feelings not infrequent here, everyone's different....

Talk to her in urn at home everyday. Home is where she belongs with me & not a mausoleum. Don't believe in afterlife, but still the love of my life. Call me crazy.

 

[HisMunchkin]

18 minutes ago, MittGriz said:

Loss Date also Dec., 2023.

Feelings not infrequent here, everyone's different....

Talk to her in urn at home everyday. Home is where she belongs with me & not a mausoleum. Don't believe in afterlife, but still the love of my life. Call me crazy.

 

Not crazy at all!  But hope you'll find the strength and courage to keep carrying on.  My husband's urn is also at home with me.  On the couch - his favorite spot.  And next to it is the urn of my last dog who had been by my side for 16 years.  She passed a little over a decade ago. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Have you tried talking to her?  Tell her that you're sorry for ____[whatever you think you did wrong]____. 

It used to help me to tell myself what I knew George would say.  He was so caring and knew me through and through.  His response would be perfect and just what I needed.

[Cath61]

Loss date:1.27.24

New here, really not dealing well, I just want to be where my husband, George, is. 34 years together and I am beyond heartbroken. Very sudden passing. Will not "do anything" about it as that would devastate my kids, but these waves of grief and crying and hopelessness are getting to much. Trying to find positive messages, hopeful things.  Not even sure I am posting correctly. Thank you for listening.

[Cath61]

On 4/26/2024 at 4:50 PM, HisMunchkin said:

Not crazy at all!  But hope you'll find the strength and courage to keep carrying on.  My husband's urn is also at home with me.  On the couch - his favorite spot.  And next to it is the urn of my last dog who had been by my side for 16 years.  She passed a little over a decade ago. 

My husband's urn is in his favorite room, the sunroom, next to his chair, so he can watch the birds as he always loved to do 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss of your husband.  I lost my soulmate and best friend, my husband George, 19 years ago Father's Day.  Grief has a beginning but not an ending, not until the day we die and we can be with them again.  My husband and I loved watching hummingbird come eat, we'd sit in our porch swing and hold hands while we watched them come feed.  Now we have stellar jays also that come eat.

It's hard, I am so sorry someone else is going through this but grateful we have this site to go through it in.  It helps us not feel so alone in it.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[HisMunchkin]

On 5/5/2024 at 6:03 PM, Cath61 said:

Loss date:1.27.24

New here, really not dealing well, I just want to be where my husband, George, is. 34 years together and I am beyond heartbroken. Very sudden passing. Will not "do anything" about it as that would devastate my kids, but these waves of grief and crying and hopelessness are getting to much. Trying to find positive messages, hopeful things.  Not even sure I am posting correctly. Thank you for listening.

Welcome!  And I'm so sorry for your loss.  It's not easy at all, these waves.  Riding it out is all I can do.  If you need to cry, cry.  But when you do find even a few minutes of each day where you feel o.k., try to savor that.  I am ever grateful for every moment of peace that I encounter and try to soak it all it.  I find that it helps.  I also find that it help if I just let myself feel sad, when that wave comes, rather than try to fight it.  Hope you'll stay and chat with us.  You are not alone. 💝

[Bou]

On 4/25/2024 at 11:45 AM, MittGriz said:

Individual grief is different for everyone, and may have felt like you have nothing to live for. When did you no longer want to die? Not suicidal, but feeling you don’t care to live. Do not believe in after life. If I did, and were able to be reunited with my spouse, would not be here today.  Lost and alone with no purpose to continue.

I don't know what I believe.  I just try to look for the good in all things.  

I too felt like not living after my husband passed.  I voiced it.  I instantly knew I didn't mean it but I did feel it.  I do feel it. I felt it.    but..... I know better.

I grew up with a father that committed suicide and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.  That is not the answer.  The holes that would leave in those left behind would hurt/devistate them for the rest of their lives.   It would be the most selfish thing to do to project my pain onto someone else.  There is nothing so bad that another minute, another hour, another day, another year whatever it takes to get through.  If you or someone you know is at the end of the rope and can't hold on please reach out to someone, anyone.   You never know when you might be the reason for another person to keep hanging on.  The guilt over the years of all the what ifs, the why's has been horrific to deal with.   

Grief is so ever powering and taxing on us.  It engulfs us. It makes us lose our minds.  Foggy brain is a real thing.    Ride it out.....the ride is going to be hard, bumpy, and all the things but it will get easier.  I am not saying you will not hit speed bumps, pot holes and may land in the ditch.  We just have to pick ourselves back up and keep trying.   We would want our loved ones to do that.  Baby steps,  do as much as you can even if its just a second at a time, and then becomes a minute then becomes an hour and slowly probably at a snails speed things will get easier.   

When he first passed away I didn't want to get up, wanted to stay in the shower forever, face others.  I wanted to sleep and not wake up.  I forced myself to get up, eat, move, stop crying, all the things.  I don't know how I live with out him.  I just do it.  I am lonely as bleep.  I wake up to take care of others.  Rinse and Repeat, Rinse and Repeat.   Thank goodness I forced myself to carry on, even if it was not pretty.   I am not in the shock stage anymore and that stage is scary.   Just keep going, it will be a better day.  Be good to yourself.