Grief over my Wife's diagnosis. (Caregiving and grieving)

[Mike444]

I'm having a tremendously difficult time adjusting to my Wife's diagnosis (She has Renal Cell Carcinoma, stage 4). I realize it's not advantageous to fixate on the "stage", so I don't. I wear one (metaphorical) mask per day for her and take it off at night. I rarely enter REM sleep, if at all, and lately I've developed insomnia. I, somewhat ironically, also have cancer. It's a rare form of blood cancer called Polycythemia Vera (PVC). I've largely placed my own health on the back burner as I've watched my Wife happily taking down this years (last years) Christmas tree to wheeling her around in a wheelchair literally within weeks. She was diagnosed in January / 2024 directly before her 54th Birthday. Watching her alarming decline combined with the unbelievable speed of progression has left me scared and scarred. To top it all off, our Son came back to live with us due to a mental condition that struck late in his life AND we are raising our Grandchild since birth. Conveying we have our plates full would be an understatement. Unfortunately we are not people of means, stretched to the limit in all directions. Watching her sad, mournful eyes daily is almost more than I can handle. Lately I've been having "dark thoughts" hence my arrival here on these forums. I really don't know if I'm in the "correct" section or not....but I saw grief in the title and decided to make my first post. Maybe I can connect with someone who has a similar situation, or, ultimately are all our situations similar?

[KayC]

It is terribly hard no matter how they go, suddenly or bit by bit.  It's been nearly 19 years since Father's Day when I lost mine, he'd just turned 51, now I'm growing old alone.  I wrote this at about ten years out, save or print it, not everything is at once, it's an evolving journey.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Mike444]

Thank you.

[KayC]

You're welcome!

[Mike444]

My Wife is off to the Hospital.......I'm taking some time to peruse the site. Obviously you are doing "God's" work here.

[KayC]

Let us know what you find out, okay?  My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

[Mike444]

Thanks for your concern. I've been fortunate to have a lot of "core" friends, the old childhood gang still reaches out. Unfortunately I've folded in upon myself (if that makes any sense)....Cancer takes away (at least for me) the ability to converse. I simply can't bear to pick up the phone, landline or text. What else is there to talk about? Innately I was a bit of a social animal, always there for anyone, smiling, laughing. My Doctor has called me a "searchlight soul". I know more about him than he knows about me......I've lost that. Grief and worry has driven it away. I'm in solitude now, self imposed I admit. ALL of my time is devoted to my Wife. I fear my friends will simply fall away, and I can't blame them. I'm the "cancer" guy now. I apologize for these "woe is me" posts. That's what gets me, I even feel apologetic to strangers. Damn this disease.

[KayC]

No need to apologize.  You don't have to be upbeat here, we get it.  One of my best friends died of COVID a year ago February, his wife had been going through cancer, I've seen her through it all, taking my dog to play with hers, doing her dishes, catching her mice, listening to her...she's getting ready to move.  I think she may regret doing this so quickly when still in early grief but maybe not, we're different.  My husband has been gone 19 years on Father's Day.  I'm growing old alone, it's hard but I do a day at a time and do what I can.  Remember to look for joy in each day, not the joy that used to be, but anything good, a stranger letting you merge in traffic (a miracle!), if you have a pet, spend time with it, a phone call from a friend, being able to make that house payment, just anything you can count as good in your day.

This started me on this, day 11 of my grief journey, I saw this refrigerator magnet coming out of the eye doctor, I knew it was meant for me, it's on my refrigerator still.

[Mike444]

I'm sorry for the loss of your Husband. Obviously he was "the one". It's exceptional that you were able to channel your grief into a site like this one. My God, after reading a handful of story's I can't imagine how many people you've helped. It's "jarring" to read you make many references to growing old "alone". May I say, you don't strike me as the type of soul that will ever be "alone" (although I know exactly what you reference). Simply sharing your time, grief and "moderation" ensures you'll never be truly alone. Being "new" here I can immediately perceive, and feel, your compassion and understanding. I noticed you appeared to resonate with my John Keats quote. It was the only response I could imagine would offer that poor woman even a modicum of comfort. I also believe it applies to you as well.
My Wife is on her way home. She went for blood-work.......endless blood-work. She wasn't a candidate for operations or chemotherapy so our hope resides in immune-therapy. Her blood must be continually and scrupulously monitored. She's a mass of bruises. It's a harrowing experience to witness once alabaster skin turn to mottled darkness.
Peace and courage to us all.
Mike.

[KayC]

I know you'll be a comfort to her when she gets home.

[Mike444]

Another hard day. I feel utterly and completely alone. My Wife is gone to see her oncologist. She's been on a so called "miracle drug". The Doctor phoned me on Friday. I know what my Wife has to face today. I had to conceal what I knew for four days, remaining "chipper" and optimistic. There is always hope, BUT. I am, or think I am, quite literally going out of my mind.

[KayC]

Wishing you the best...