The whining thread

[HisMunchkin]

So for the past few days, it's been rather "not so great".  I've been having bouts of anxiety, followed by a sense of melancholy, and I'm feeling so very tired.  It's not too bad.  I've had way worse days, but I wouldn't call it "o.k." either.  Aside from other stressors, one related to my husband's death is our yard.  Now that spring is finally here, I will need to take care of some garden work that my husband used to take care of.  Problem is, I can't find the shears, pruner, and saw required to do some of the work.  It might be in the shed, and I'll have to take out the hose reel and dig through the mess.  I remember my husband giving me instructions for turning off the water valve and draining the pipes in preparation for winter.  This was when he was in the hospital.  I put away the hose for the winter too.  Now it's time to take it out again and turn on the water valve, and he's no longer here to give me instructions.......  There's also a step off our wood patio that he meant to install for years, but never got around to it.  I guess I'll have to figure out how to install it myself before someone trips and falls.  It's currently just a a few wood planks laid on the metal step brackets.   Everywhere I look I'm reminded of him again.  First spring without him.

The tulips are finally starting to flower.  I remember last year, when I saw the tulips starting to flower, instead of feeling happy,  I felt a sense of dread.  Time was going by and I worried about how long my husband had left, wishing that time would stop.  This year, the tulips remind me of how time and life is moving on without him, like he's being left behind somehow.  There's a new, stray tulip on the other side of our driveway.  I think a squirrel must have dug up one of our tulip bulbs and buried it there at some point.  I wish I could tell my husband about it.  Then we'd make a joke about squirrel gardeners or some such.  I miss him so much.....

I'm also behind on housework.  I've only been able to manage the bare minimum.  If I can just sleep and not do anything at all for weeks, I would.  It's been almost 5 months, and while I think things might be slowly getting better, most days, it still feels like I'm carrying a ton of weight on me, and a brick in the chest, with moments of bursting into tears.

[end of whining for the day]

 

 

 

[WithoutHer]

3 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

So for the past few days, it's been rather "not so great".  I've been having bouts of anxiety, followed by a sense of melancholy, and I'm feeling so very tired.  It's not too bad.  I've had way worse days, but I wouldn't call it "o.k." either.  Aside from other stressors, one related to my husband's death is our yard.  Now that spring is finally here, I will need to take care of some garden work that my husband used to take care of.  Problem is, I can't find the shears, pruner, and saw required to do some of the work.  It might be in the shed, and I'll have to take out the hose reel and dig through the mess.  I remember my husband giving me instructions for turning off the water valve and draining the pipes in preparation for winter.  This was when he was in the hospital.  I put away the hose for the winter too.  Now it's time to take it out again and turn on the water valve, and he's no longer here to give me instructions.......  There's also a step off our wood patio that he meant to install for years, but never got around to it.  I guess I'll have to figure out how to install it myself before someone trips and falls.  It's currently just a a few wood planks laid on the metal step brackets.   Everywhere I look I'm reminded of him again.  First spring without him.

The tulips are finally starting to flower.  I remember last year, when I saw the tulips starting to flower, instead of feeling happy,  I felt a sense of dread.  Time was going by and I worried about how long my husband had left, wishing that time would stop.  This year, the tulips remind me of how time and life is moving on without him, like he's being left behind somehow.  There's a new, stray tulip on the other side of our driveway.  I think a squirrel must have dug up one of our tulip bulbs and buried it there at some point.  I wish I could tell my husband about it.  Then we'd make a joke about squirrel gardeners or some such.  I miss him so much.....

I'm also behind on housework.  I've only been able to manage the bare minimum.  If I can just sleep and not do anything at all for weeks, I would.  It's been almost 5 months, and while I think things might be slowly getting better, most days, it still feels like I'm carrying a ton of weight on me, and a brick in the chest, with moments of bursting into tears.

[end of whining for the day]

 

 

 

In the category of misery loves company only justifying equal actions or lack there of I offer that you have many sitting right beside you those areas you've mentioned. Being 14 months in I have no shame in admitting I have done nothing to take care of our small living space since Vickie passed. All corners of the house have the expected dust bunnies. There's no real justification for this except the deep feelings I have that does it really matter? Depression? Probably so but without her and being all alone and no visitors I view her every where I look and just as the day she left. Everything thing is her and to move anything is still to me disturbing her presence with me.

[widower2]

4 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

I'm also behind on housework.  I've only been able to manage the bare minimum.  If I can just sleep and not do anything at all for weeks, I would.  It's been almost 5 months, and while I think things might be slowly getting better, most days, it still feels like I'm carrying a ton of weight on me, and a brick in the chest, with moments of bursting into tears.

 

I'd say you're right on schedule. At least, that's about where I was at a similar point in time. You aren't "whining;" you're acknowledging the understandable reality of feeling like you were in a car that just slammed headlong into a brick wall. It's not like people expect you to get out and dance a jig. 

 

[KayC]

This could have been me at any point in my 19 year journey...surviving without them is hard.  George was so helpful, doing whatever he could to lighten my load, now I'm growing old without him, in my 70s, eyesight worsening, strength failing, things are getting harder.  But somehow doing it, somehow I've made it this far and if there's anyone I want to whine to, it's him.  Sometimes I just want him back.  I'd take care of him, if only I could lay in his arms in the night...and then I wouldn't have to have this crazy sleep schedule, I'd sleep peacefully.

[HisMunchkin]

13 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

In the category of misery loves company only justifying equal actions or lack there of I offer that you have many sitting right beside you those areas you've mentioned. Being 14 months in I have no shame in admitting I have done nothing to take care of our small living space since Vickie passed. All corners of the house have the expected dust bunnies. There's no real justification for this except the deep feelings I have that does it really matter? Depression? Probably so but without her and being all alone and no visitors I view her every where I look and just as the day she left. Everything thing is her and to move anything is still to me disturbing her presence with me.

But there were no dust bunnies on the day she left, right?  Are you able to find the strength to vacuum a little bit a day?  I can only manage the bare minimum, but I feel a need to do it cause too much dust and dirt could affect my dog's health as well as my own health.  I have some cobwebs on ceilings, but oddly, I don't want to get rid of them, thinking that I'd be destroying a spider's home.  It also feels less lonely somehow, knowing that there are at least some spiders around.  LOL.....  Yes, I may be going a bit nuts.

 

12 hours ago, widower2 said:

I'd say you're right on schedule. At least, that's about where I was at a similar point in time. You aren't "whining;" you're acknowledging the understandable reality of feeling like you were in a car that just slammed headlong into a brick wall. It's not like people expect you to get out and dance a jig. 

 

Perhaps I should have named it the "Letting it All Out Thread"?

 

5 hours ago, KayC said:

This could have been me at any point in my 19 year journey...surviving without them is hard.  George was so helpful, doing whatever he could to lighten my load, now I'm growing old without him, in my 70s, eyesight worsening, strength failing, things are getting harder.

🥺  You have kids, though, right?  Will they be able to help out as you grow older? 

 

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Sometimes I just want him back.  I'd take care of him, if only I could lay in his arms in the night...and then I wouldn't have to have this crazy sleep schedule, I'd sleep peacefully.

*big hugs* 🧸

 

 

I was woken up by anxiety again last night.  Was able to go back to sleep, but then woke up with feelings of panic in the morning.  Didn't want to get out of bed.  Just wanted to hide under the duvet and wait for the anxiety to pass.  I've been trying to follow this lady's advice and practice "Willingness", where willingness means to sit with and engage with what you are currently experiencing.  It is not "liking your emotions" or wanting to feel them.  It's a choice to allow yourself to experience what you are feeling.  For anyone finding it difficult to cope with certain emotions, e.g., anxiety, grief, depression, etc., I highly recommend watching the whole video. 

 

 

[Boggled]

19 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Aside from other stressors, one related to my husband's death is our yard.  Now that spring is finally here, I will need to take care of some garden work that my husband used to take care of.  Problem is, I can't find the shears, pruner, and saw required to do some of the work.  It might be in the shed, and I'll have to take out the hose reel and dig through the mess.  I remember my husband giving me instructions for turning off the water valve and draining the pipes in preparation for winter.  This was when he was in the hospital.  I put away the hose for the winter too.  Now it's time to take it out again and turn on the water valve, and he's no longer here to give me instructions.......  There's also a step off our wood patio that he meant to install for years, but never got around to it.  I guess I'll have to figure out how to install it myself before someone trips and falls.  It's currently just a a few wood planks laid on the metal step brackets.  

I ran across this same thing recently when I didn't know how to charge the dead battery in our riding lawnmower.

I started just taking "baby steps."  like, if you can't find the shears, pruner, and saw, and they might be in the shed, and you'll have to take out the hose reel, the first baby step would be ... just take out the hose reel.  Maybe after you do that, you'll have the energy to dig through the mess, or maybe you could just quit for the day.  Yes it's true with everything growing fast, it seems urgent, but you can only do what you can do.   Do you know where the water valve is?  is there some reason it's hard to turn on?  and  the step off the wood patio ... he meant to install FOR YEARS ... so really, is it that urgent?  At least you can just ponder on it, think about what would be the way YOU could do it.  

[foreverhis]

15 hours ago, widower2 said:

I'd say you're right on schedule. At least, that's about where I was at a similar point in time. You aren't "whining;" you're acknowledging the understandable reality of feeling like you were in a car that just slammed headlong into a brick wall. It's not like people expect you to get out and dance a jig. 

 

That sums it up well and is a good analogy.  People can see when you're all banged up and injured in a car crash.  Unfortunately, they either don't see our grief or they're unwilling/unable to look closely enough to see it permanently etched into our faces and in our eyes.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

🥺  You have kids, though, right?  Will they be able to help out as you grow older?

No, live too far away and work all the time.

Good video!

[HisMunchkin]

6 hours ago, Boggled said:

I started just taking "baby steps."

Ya.  I've been baby stepping.  Problem is, there is so much I need to accomplish these days.  Yard work is low on the priority list, but still  a hassle when I think about it.

 

6 hours ago, Boggled said:

Do you know where the water valve is?  is there some reason it's hard to turn on? 

No no, turning on is easy.  Turning off took a few more steps.  My husband gave me instructions when he was at the hospital.  Now that it's time to turn it on, it just reminds me of him and how he's not here to give me instructions anymore.  Just another shot of grief.

 

6 hours ago, Boggled said:

and  the step off the wood patio ... he meant to install FOR YEARS ... so really, is it that urgent?

It's a tripping hazard, so I'm worried about that.

[widower2]

20 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

Yard work is low on the priority list, but still  a hassle when I think about it.

I like yard work. Trade you that for the house work.   

[KayC]

Years ago when married to my kids' dad, we had steps from the ramp (about 8 ft up) that led to the back yard.  He had this habit of doing something 90% and not finishing it.  In this case he never installed a rail on those steps.  When 5 months pregnant with my son I slipped on one and hit my tailbone on every step on the way down.  Started bleeding.  Doctor told me I could have miscarried my son and to rest...I never used those steps again. When I had the ramp rebuilt I did so without steps.

I reached the point where I stopped turning on the winter water, you had to turn a bolt in the ground in the backyard, it took more strength than I had and I'd have to get a man to turn it on for summer and off for winter, I finally quit using it.  I can hook up a hose inside my electrical room if I need it.  When my son installed a new valve in there though, it's much harder to shut off, again, easy for a man, not so easy for me with my hand injuries and loss of strength.  

And widower2, I could read between the lines in the positives thread and I understand, just wanted to say that.

[widower2]

???

[KayC]

15 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I had a nice long phone conversation with Vickie's daughter tonight.

15 hours ago, widower2 said:

I envy that. I'd elaborate but this is the "positive" thread   Glad you have that though.

 

 

[HisMunchkin]

Anyone else noticed what she said at 14:43 - "Even the ultimate form of harm, suicide, it's not caused by emotions, but by the desperate need to escape emotions.", etc.?

[shawnt]

Tricky to think about . Emotions are who we are, maybe ,maybe not. Isn't the pain emotions cause another emotion ? Snake eating it's tail. I guess if we could step out of ourselves and not feel it could offer relief but wouldn't that also preclude happiness? Perhaps that's the illusion that hard drugs give.

Not sure it matters, if I don't feel my grief am I still me?  It becomes academic ; I am who I am , I feel what I feel. 

For me; the question becomes can I change for the better and how do I do that. I think that is the power of this site, other people sharing their story. Grief is universal, all of us here suffer but each path is different and the wisdom of others shows me new ways to think about things and perhaps give me hope .

Thank you all.

[HisMunchkin]

3 hours ago, shawnt said:

Tricky to think about . Emotions are who we are, maybe ,maybe not. Isn't the pain emotions cause another emotion ? Snake eating it's tail. I guess if we could step out of ourselves and not feel it could offer relief but wouldn't that also preclude happiness? Perhaps that's the illusion that hard drugs give.

Not sure it matters, if I don't feel my grief am I still me?  It becomes academic ; I am who I am , I feel what I feel.

I think the theory is that you are not your emotions, and you are not your thoughts.  You have emotions, and you have thoughts, but that they don't define you.  Something like that.  Kind of goes against Descartes' "I think, therefore I am"...... I think.

[shawnt]

Maybe I lack the imagination or insight to divide myself into what I feel and what I think. I do agree that just because I feel something it does not makes it real or that I have to act on it. We all have an inner self but I am not sure that is different from my outer self ( except of course in my mind I am taller, better looking with more hair and of course dogs and children love me; or at least that's what my Mom told me). I think the writers point was my emotions only have the power I give them?  Having a hard time thinking about this. Can't quite grasp the full idea and express it in a way that makes sense. One philosophy states that desire is the root of all unhappiness and if we can live a life as it happens without expectations we will be pain free. ( feels like bullshit to me) I miss my wife every single minute and her absence makes me less and I can't see a way that that will change.

[DWS]

On 4/22/2024 at 4:33 PM, HisMunchkin said:

Anyone else noticed what she said at 14:43 - "Even the ultimate form of harm, suicide, it's not caused by emotions, but by the desperate need to escape emotions.", etc.?

As grievers, we are being a good friend to ourselves by allowing ourselves to feel our emotions and grieve...to cry, reminisce and be sad without putting pressure on ourselves to end it. Trying to escape the hurt, to deny it or take on a valiant persona that we're strong and able to withstand the pain can eventually lead ourselves to ruin further down the road. Once I became fully aware of the grief-is-love-with-no-place-to-go idiom, any stress of trying to escape the sad emotions and "get over it" was relieved. I carry this pain daily because my partner was taken from my everyday. I don't ever have to "get over it". I actually feel stronger because of how this solidifies this love. 

[JonathanFive]

I would say that " it's okay to desire our wives/husbands/partners, and to miss our loved ones, and to want them back." 

What would be the definition of "perpetual suffering?" We say, "Okay, I can't have my wife; I will buy a Corvette." However, upon finding no happiness in the Corvette, you decide to take a cruise to the Bamahas, and upon finding no joy, you choose to purchase a new Rolex. Upon finding no happiness, you decide to acquire a new mansion.

I like to think of everything in terms of "compassion." When confronted with loss, we have compassion. We have compassion for the life that was lost, and we must also have compassion for ourselves, because a part of us is lost when we lose our loved ones.

From a psychological perspective, "we have emotions based on loss."  We analyze to understand emotions. Now, we have all these feelings, thoughts, and emotions. Our entire life experience is shaping our response to the loss event. Our mind starts to go backward and forward in time, attempting to find the solution to the loss - that is not necessarily the construct of desire as it relates to suffering.  If we allow ourselves to be in the present moment, we can experience our emotions and accept them without letting our feelings (perspective) interfere and without analysis (thinking) informed by our experience.

This is particularly insightful in the context of loss, as we have no control over it. We are mortal. Life is not permanent.

That said, "it's perfectly logical to miss your wife/husband/partner/loved one" and "desire this person back."  I do not think there is anything wrong with that.  In fact, I would even make the supposition that without that longing or missing, the suffering of loss would be even greater.  Missing our loved ones is human compassion; our longing or want for them to return - as forever impossible as that return to us will be in this life, in this current moment, is what frames and shapes our compassion; it is the timelessness of our love.

[shawnt]

Thank you both. Two new ways to expand my thinking that I feel are helpful.

[widower2]

My landlord just told me they plan to sell this house. I'm left with two decisions which I both hate: buying it from them or moving. I never planned to live here long term but the idea of moving esp when I'll be doing it all myself is overwhelming. I feel sick to my stomach.

[HisMunchkin]

On 4/24/2024 at 9:45 AM, shawnt said:

except of course in my mind I am taller, better looking with more hair and of course dogs and children love me; or at least that's what my Mom told me

😄

 

On 4/24/2024 at 9:45 AM, shawnt said:

I miss my wife every single minute and her absence makes me less and I can't see a way that that will change.

I think the idea behind "willingness" is to acknowledge that pain when it comes, feel it, examine it, but don't judge it or try to avoid it.  I'm just guessing, but the message I got was that you will adapt to it, and trying to avoid it would just make it more intense.  And then try to comfort it like it's a child.  When it's calm enough, then you can go on about your day and function better.  @ 14:58 she also makes a distinction between willingness and wallowing and surrendering or giving up or giving in.  I think the more you tell yourself that you "can't", the more you will feel that you can't.  And then the more that you feel that you can't, the more you'll think to yourself, "I can't".  If I repeat to myself something like, "I can't see a future without him.  There is no point in life anymore!" over and over again, I think would have an effect on my mental state.  And imagine if someone else kept telling you, "There's no future for you anymore!  There's no point to your life anymore!", what would people think of such a person? 

It's not a cure.  It might not bring joy to your life.  But it might help lighten the load a bit.  For me personally, I've been practicing that "willingness" that she had prescribed to my morning anxiety.  I find it pretty helpful in making it more bearable.  But to each his/her own.  Whatever works for you to get through each day.  Be kinder to yourself and try to take care of yourself each and every day.  I also imagine my husband's presence.  That he's with him each and every step of the way.  I find that helpful too.

 

On 4/24/2024 at 11:48 AM, DWS said:

As grievers, we are being a good friend to ourselves by allowing ourselves to feel our emotions and grieve...to cry, reminisce and be sad without putting pressure on ourselves to end it. Trying to escape the hurt, to deny it or take on a valiant persona that we're strong and able to withstand the pain can eventually lead ourselves to ruin further down the road. Once I became fully aware of the grief-is-love-with-no-place-to-go idiom, any stress of trying to escape the sad emotions and "get over it" was relieved. I carry this pain daily because my partner was taken from my everyday. I don't ever have to "get over it". I actually feel stronger because of how this solidifies this love. 

I think that's spot on the idea of "willingness".  

 

On 4/24/2024 at 11:51 AM, JonathanFive said:

I like to think of everything in terms of "compassion." When confronted with loss, we have compassion. We have compassion for the life that was lost, and we must also have compassion for ourselves, because a part of us is lost when we lose our loved ones.

Agree. 👍

 

On 4/24/2024 at 11:51 AM, JonathanFive said:

If we allow ourselves to be in the present moment, we can experience our emotions and accept them without letting our feelings (perspective) interfere and without analysis (thinking) informed by our experience.

I think that, too, is spot on the idea of "willingness".

 

On 4/24/2024 at 11:51 AM, JonathanFive said:

That said, "it's perfectly logical to miss your wife/husband/partner/loved one" and "desire this person back."  I do not think there is anything wrong with that.  In fact, I would even make the supposition that without that longing or missing, the suffering of loss would be even greater.  Missing our loved ones is human compassion; our longing or want for them to return - as forever impossible as that return to us will be in this life, in this current moment, is what frames and shapes our compassion; it is the timelessness of our love.

So even in grief, we find beauty.  It's because we love.  It's because we have compassion.

 

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

My landlord just told me they plan to sell this house. I'm left with two decisions which I both hate: buying it from them or moving. I never planned to live here long term but the idea of moving esp when I'll be doing it all myself is overwhelming. I feel sick to my stomach.

☹️ 

What bothers you the most about the idea?  The hassle of finding a place?  The paperwork?  Packing?  Moving?  Unpacking?  Etc.?

[KayC]

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

My landlord just told me they plan to sell this house. I'm left with two decisions which I both hate: buying it from them or moving. I never planned to live here long term but the idea of moving esp when I'll be doing it all myself is overwhelming. I feel sick to my stomach.

I am so sorry, something like that is a shock.  Praying you find the answer within yourself to do what is right for you.

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

My landlord just told me they plan to sell this house. I'm left with two decisions which I both hate: buying it from them or moving. I never planned to live here long term but the idea of moving esp when I'll be doing it all myself is overwhelming. I feel sick to my stomach.

I can totally relate to how you feel but probably for different reasons. When I had to sell my house because of divorce and single income I felt very lucky to have found the place I'm in that I could afford and have my animals. The fortunate thing is even though the years with Vickie living with me, she didn't work and I didn't want her to, because of the low rent I am in the best financial position I've ever been and that's strictly on SS and a very small pension now. My landlady who lives on the same lot far behind me is now in her 80s and I worry what might happen when she's gone. The place is two apartments so she gets the fair market rent for a house around here between the two. If I had to move all of a sudden I wouldn't find another place like this and that scares me.

[widower2]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

What bothers you the most about the idea?  The hassle of finding a place?  The paperwork?  Packing?  Moving?  Unpacking?  Etc.?

All of it. It's overwhelming. The easy choice is just buy this place and avoid all of that, but again I don't want to be here long term...and if I buy, when I'm ready to move, then I have the hassle of both buying and selling a place.    

[HisMunchkin]

Have you taken a peek at what's available that you might be interested in moving to?   https://www.realtor.com/

or https://www.zillow.com/

[widower2]

Of course.....and there isn't jack.

[HisMunchkin]

🥺

[HisMunchkin]

Today, I had a hard time opening a jar of tomato paste.  I would usually ask my husband for help but....... well, you know.  Almost twisted my wrist, but I finally got it opened.

[KayC]

Thunk it good all the way around on top, then grip with something soft and rubbery while you turn it.

[HisMunchkin]

56 minutes ago, KayC said:

Thunk it good all the way around on top, then grip with something soft and rubbery while you turn it.

I dunk the metal cap in hot water, dried it, then used a dish washing glove to grip it.  Still pretty hard for me, but I managed to get it open. 

[widower2]

Next time I'd try putting the cap under hot water (so it expands, making it looser). I've also done the whack it with a knife thing. I wish I had one of those rubber grips too though, my hand strength is also not what it used to be.

[Sparky1]

Yes, my strength also isn't what it used to be, I've been using a rubber vice jar opener I got on Amazon. Works like a charm. 

[Gail 8588]

On 4/26/2024 at 1:30 PM, widower2 said:

My landlord just told me they plan to sell this house. I'm left with two decisions which I both hate: buying it from them or moving. I never planned to live here long term but the idea of moving esp when I'll be doing it all myself is overwhelming. I feel sick to my stomach.

I am so sorry you have been hit with this dilemma.  Both options have massive downsides for you, and that stinks. 

On the bright side, if you move you will be free of your nemesis groundhog.  

[HisMunchkin]

6 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

hedgehog

Hedgehog?? 😍

[Gail 8588]

Sorry, it was a groundhog Widower2 has been battling in his backyard. I corrected my post.

[HisMunchkin]

21 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

Sorry, it was a groundhog Widower2 has been battling in his backyard. I corrected my post.

Groundhog!! 😍

 

[KayC]

Computer problems all day, exhausted, eyes and neck hurt, hopefully things go better tomorrow.  Had to update another browser by entering pws in my site. Weird, some work in one browser but not the other. Started with USB mortgage not working in Chrome, have had that with a couple of others on occasion. Not a fun day.

[widower2]

? Browser updates don't require a password (assuming that's what "pws" means). I'd be leery of that. I don't update my browser, although Windows 10 forces Edge (which I never use) updates on me. 

 

[SSC]

It’s my husband’s birthday tomorrow.  His stepbrother is coming by to pick up my husband’s collection of “flames of war” gaming and miniature items that he painted and spent tons of money on.  I’ve asked my children and grandkids if they want any of it and they aren’t interested.  So I’m glad it’s going to his brother who will at least appreciate the time and effort my husband put into this hobby.  I also found out the same brother has a son who is just getting into fly fishing and tying flies which my husband also did.   No one in my family does this anymore.  My sister did at one time but we are all downsizing and it makes more sense to give all his things away to someone who will really use it.  It’s just so hard.  Not giving it away but touching the items and going through them…the emotions it brings up.  It just SUCKS.  
 

I’ve been reading up on Swedish death cleaning.  I think this needs to be my mindset anyway.  In a weird way it will give me a “purpose” and something to work on.

@widower2 I’m sorry to hear about your predicament.  Moving is absolutely the worst.  I’ve thought a lot about moving because I think for me right now it would snap me out of my funk.  I would stop ruminating… but in your situation, where you’re not far from retirement, it’s a real inconvenience.  Do you like the area where you live?  When you retired where did you see yourself living?  

 

[widower2]

SSC sorry to hear about various things you're giving away, but glad at least some of them will have meaning to someone. I have some things I put aside that I thought my beloved's son would want...but he doesn't really have that idea of sentimental value of things for the most part, maybe because his family was a wreck, so why want mementos of that? But he and his mom were close, so I thought maybe...anyway... 

I live in a very nice neighborhood for the most part, but it's overall location sucks as it's not near anything (work, friends, shopping, points of interest, etc)...frankly I had no intention of being here anywhere near this long, but the housing market went nuts at the worst time. But I figure I'm about 5 years from retirement, so I figure I'm this far,  might as well hang here 5 more years and then when I retire I could figure out where to go. Now I either buy this house or move. Buying this house obviously would be far easier in the short term, and financially logical (tax break etc), but then in 5 years when I want to retire and move, I'd have to deal with both selling this house AND buying another. If I rent now, when I retire, it'll "only" be buying, the advantage being I don't have to worry about selling the old place and I can cut loose whenever I find a house to buy without having to worry about paying two mortgages for who knows how long.

 

[Gail 8588]

Widower2,

I really am sorry you are in this position. I've moved twice since John died and it was terribly difficult both times.   If I don't  get a workable resolution to my homeowner's  insurance problem, I may be forced to move again. 

My insurance agent hasn't  found anything for me yet, so I'm  thinking I will soon be learning  what the process is these days for getting coverage from "Citizens", the company that the State of Florida  funds.

I can't  see me going without coverage as all the forecasters are predicting a robust, very active, explosive hurricane season.  Not descriptive terms I like to read. 

I am doing my best not to think about what my options 'might' be, but to wait and see if I can get insurance. Focusing on what is actually my situation today. Today I am okay. 

I know you will be okay, but it is very upsetting to have this change dumped on you out of the blue.  It was too early in this process to joke  about your groundhog.  Wishing you strength to slog through this ordeal and arrive at the best option available. 

 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, widower2 said:

? Browser updates don't require a password (assuming that's what "pws" means). I'd be leery of that. I don't update my browser, although Windows 10 forces Edge (which I never use) updates on me. 

 

I have all my sites on different browsers and the password to each of those needed updated.  Over a hundred of them. Eye appointment tomorrow.

[KayC]

@SSC I am glad you found someone in the family to give these things to! That is huge and I am sure he'd be pleased. Thinking of you today and wishing him a happy heavenly birthday. 🎂 Wishing the two of you could be together for it, that's the hard part. 😕

[Gail 8588]

Okay, this is my vent for the whiny thread. 

My son is now divorced. The final papers were signed by the judge last Tuesday.  But his ex-wife has not moved out. (She has had her own new house for over a month.) She still is sleeping on his couch. She still has tons of her stuff all over his house.  Piles of books, music albums and CD's, clothes and toys, garden tools, potted plants, on and on,  that she wants to sort through, apparently at her leisure. She moved the furniture she decided she wanted, (the dining room set, family room couch and rug, bedroom furniture except the king bed, various other pieces) and he let her have it because he didn't  want to argue about everything.  But now she treats his house as her free storage unit and she sleeps over whenever she wants. 

I am really ticked off about it.  She broke his heart, told him she didn't  love him, never had, didn't  want to do any counseling, etc, so now they are divorced but she is in no hurry to leave.  (In the divorce decree, he got the house-she didn't  want it- and she took most all of their savings. So my son pays all the mortgage and expense of the house now.)

She is not paying him any rent, or storage fees.  She doesn't wash dishes,  clean anything, at his house. She just makes messes and leaves the mess for him to deal with. She has not had the kids sleep at her house even once.  The kids were at my house all weekend, and she hung out at her new house. I thought she would use the weekend to sort out what she still wanted to take and move it to her house.  No, apparently she considered painting her new house and put a few color swatches on the walls to see what looked good.  But Sunday night she was back at my son's house to "be with the kids". 

I know my only option is to bite my tongue and let them work through this.  It is truly not my business.  But it makes me mad.   I know my son will not put up with this forever, and that he doesn't  want to look like he is being "mean to mommy" to the kids right now.  They were awarded 50/50 joint custody of the kids.  But she says her house is not ready for the kids yet.   Well until she takes some of the toys and their clothes over there, it never will be ready. 

I need to just take a deep breath and let it run its course.

I just feel so bad for my baby boy. She broke his heart and now she won't  let him get on with his life.  It's  not right. 

 

 

[widower2]

Sorry to hear this Gail and that your son isn't taking charge...I get being afraid of alienating the kids, but over the long haul as they get older, I think they would understand. I hope he reaches a break point and rips her a new one. I'm so sick of people like this. It's the kind of person who if it were me she might find her car suddenly damaged one day...and I was nowhere near that place at the time your honor!

 

[KayC]

Gail, they should have specified that in the divorce, now he'll need to get an eviction notice!  No way around it.  And if it can take years to evict squatters...

I know, nothing you can do but until he takes the bull by the horns and does something, he'll have to put up with her messes and intrusion.  My daughter's XH never got his stuff out either, took some of her stuff though!  I told her I'd take a bag down the four stories to the dumpster every day until it's gone.  That's insane!  Yet he's been living with his GF all this time.  

What they put up with is theirs to live with I guess.

[KayC]

In all these years, with a metal garbage can that has a tight fastening lid, nothing has bothered it...until now.  Apparently a bear threw it around, it was extremely heavy (I couldn't right it, had to remove the marble tiles in it in order to do so).  They were after the creamer containers, tore them apart).  I didn't have much in the way of food in there, eggshells, cabbage core, coffee grinds, that's about it.  They managed to open a full bottle of stool softener I haven't used since 2014 and threw them around in the nettles, so I had fun picking them up.  The worst part is I had just cleaned and bandaged my hands (five bandages in all) from all the smashes cleaning out the carport!  Had to do it all over again.  Took 1/2 hour to pick it all up, hoping the garbagemen come before another repeats it as I'll be out of town today at the eye doctor & getting groceries. 🙏

[KayC]

What a day! Got tiny ants in my bathroom, bought a new ant bait yesterday, got overcharged 3 x as much on four packages of hotdogs for Kodie and Jazzy, called customer service (she was snippy and cranky) and got hung up on twice.  After shopping there 42 years!  $575 for two pairs new glasses, ugh!  So much for insurance benefits (my glasses are complicated).  (I have cataracts but don't need them out yet, thankfully.)

Also the bear that got into my garbage 

[KayC]

This morning a bear came up my ramp and onto my patio which is 8 ft up in the air, on stilts, and knocked over things, after Panther I think, he ran off, no blood, hoping Panther is okay.  He may never feel safe here again.

Found out this bear has been around for four days and has an injured foot so he's desperate.

Panther is finally back and eating although jumpy.