I lost my best friend of 55 years...

[Kathy10840]

My friend/boyfriend died 3 weeks ago.  I loved him completely.  I had him cremated.  I was going to spread his ashes at 2 of his favorite places.  He was Catholic, and I just learned that isn't allowed in the Catholic church.  He had no money.   I paid $4,000 for his cremation.  I don't have the extra money for an urn & the burial.  Do you think spreading his ashes is a disservice to him & his beliefs?  I'd especially would like to hear from Catholics their thoughts.  I'm Lutheran.

 

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Re. the question, frankly, yes, given his beliefs. An urn shouldn't cost much and precludes the need for a burial. 

 

[Kathy10840]

The Catholic belief requires the urn to be buried in a cemetery or put in a mausoleum.

 

[KayC]

Welcome here!  Take your time with things, do them when you are ready.  I am so sorry for your loss.  It helps to come here to read and post, this is a caring family that is here to listen.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

I'd honor his wishes...if the catholic church believes that perhaps they'd be willing to pay for it?  Not being disrespectful, but if cost is a factor...

I had a neighbor make my BIL an urn when he died, I returned it to him when we spread his ashes 2 1/2 years later.

[ThereIsAField]

Hmm, maybe it depends on how "strict" a Catholic he was...?

If you look at my paperwork, I'm "officially" a Protestant but a) I wouldn't even know what the Protestant "rules" are re burial and b) I truly don't care. I'm a Protestant on paper, but my own individual wishes/ beliefs re burial don't have much to do with that at all.

[shawnt]

Tough one. If his beliefs were strict it was probably his wish to be buried in consecrated ground, if not I think you knowing him well would make the best decision. Go with your heart it usually knows the answer.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, ThereIsAField said:

Hmm, maybe it depends on how "strict" a Catholic he was...?

If you look at my paperwork, I'm "officially" a Protestant but a) I wouldn't even know what the Protestant "rules" are re burial and b) I truly don't care. I'm a Protestant on paper, but my own individual wishes/ beliefs re burial don't have much to do with that at all.

Protestant beliefs vary as much as the church they attend.  My church doesn't specify, goes with the individual, I think the decision is up to you.

[DMB]

Catholics are allowed to be cremated.  The ashes are to be kept together. The belief is when the end comes a person that has been cremated will be able to rise up.  Thus, having ashes scattered this would not be possible.

[KayC]

I think they can be caught up in the air regardless of where they come from...why limit God?!  

[widower2]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

I think they can be caught up in the air regardless of where they come from...why limit God?!  

It doesn't have anything to do with limiting God. It is not consistent with the Catholic faith, which is the issue in question.

  

On 4/14/2024 at 8:49 AM, MickeyD said:

Do what makes you feel good, he will be fine with that. 

How do you know that? Neither you nor I nor anyone else here does. I think she should do what he and his faith dictates, not her inclinations...unless of course she feels certain he would be OK with doing something that goes against his stated faith, which of course only she can know. 

 

[KayC]

https://time.com/6395945/vatican-cremation-ashes-policy/

[KayC]

13 hours ago, widower2 said:

Regardless, again, this isn't IMO about my opinion or yours or anyone else's, or even the OP's wishes necessarily, but her boyfriend's. If she feels he'd be OK with scattering his ashes even though he was Catholic and the Catholic faith does not permit this, fine. None of us have any idea how he would feel about it. Only she can make that call.

Exactly, but she didn't know, that's why she wrote here.  Guess we'll have to leave her to make that decision.  They can do the ashes but not in more han one place, they need marked with their name, guess they figure God needs their name too.