Our Angel on Earth

[P777]

Hi Everyone,

First my sincere thoughts go out to everyone on here who has lost someone.

My Son and I lost our Angel, my Wife/his Mammy less than 2 months ago. I was with her nearly 20 years, and my Son 10 years. There are no words in the human language that can express the love we have for her.

She died very unexpectedly, one moment she was ok, the next moment I was performing CPR to try and save her life.  Both my Son and I were with her when she died. The paramedics took only 10 minutes to arrive but they couldn't bring her back. It's completely heartbreaking. It is as clear now, as it happened one minute ago.

I know exactly what has happened, my Wife has died and she is now in heaven. My faith is very strong. However,  the pain of losing her, here on Earth is sometimes unbearable, but I am staying very strong for my Son. The reality hasn't really sunk in for my Son though. In time, yes of course it will. He has had a few cries but like I said he's only young. Whereas I am crying every day.

 

 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for you and your son's loss.  I lost my husband nearly 19 years ago on Father's Day, he'd just turned 51.  Knowing where he is and that we'll be together again is what keeps me going.  It helps to come here and post and know there are others going through this, welcome here.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[HisMunchkin]

I am so sorry for your loss!  Hope you'll find the help you need here.  You are not alone! 💝

[P777]

Thank you sincerely KayC and HisMunchkin. I am sorry for your losses. I never thought this would happen, it was completely unexpected. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

I am so sorry for your loss.  You are in good company here.  We all have been where you are now.  

[P777]

Thank you very much Rey Dominguez Jr, and I am sorry to you too for the loss of your Wife, and thank you for your service in the US Navy.

All the best to you,

Paul

[RichS]

Paul:  Very sorry for your loss. We're glad that you've found this board. It's been a valuable tool for many of us. WELCOME!

[P777]

Thank you very much Rich, and to you too. My sincere condolences to you too.

Yes, already I have found it comforting and informative.

I'm still very numb, as only 1.5 months since my Wife passed. I am extremely lucky I have my Son though.

At this point, I still can't believe what's happened, even though I know it's real at the same time.

I will say something, straightaway. I have absolutely no fear, of anything, here on Earth now. Nothing, absolutely nothing, could scare me. I know my Son, with my help, with live to a grand old age. For me, I have no fear of death either, as my Angel, my Wife will be waiting for me.

Now, I live for my Son, and his future. I have no doubt when I pass I will see my Wife again, I feel it in my entire being. But like I said, my Son is my my mission in life now, if one wants to call it that. Yes of course, I was an active parent before my Wife died, but now, I'm both Mammy and Daddy. I tell my Son straight up front, that nobody will ever be as good as his Mammy, she was an incredible person, and it's the truth. But I also tell him I am always going to be there for him, love him and try my best for him.

All the best to you..

Paul

[RichS]

1 hour ago, Paul777 said:

my Son is my my mission in life now, if one wants to call it that. Yes of course, I was an active parent before my Wife died, but now, I'm both Mammy and Daddy. I tell my Son straight up front, that nobody will ever be as good as his Mammy, she was an incredible person, and it's the truth. But I also tell him I am always going to be there for him, love him and try my best for him.

My feelings exactly on this. Chris will always be the better parent, but I'm the one left behind who owes it to my son to give him the best love and life as humanly possible. I admire you for your deep faith. I need to do a little catching up to folks like you. Hope they don't strike down this post for the last two sentences.

[P777]

16 minutes ago, RichS said:

My feelings exactly on this. Chris will always be the better parent, but I'm the one left behind who owes it to my son to give him the best love and life as humanly possible. I admire you for your deep faith. I need to do a little catching up to folks like you. Hope they don't strike down this post for the last two sentences.

Yes and your Wife will be extremely proud of you. Personally speaking. I have always thought, from an early age, there is an afterlife, or the next life. Again, talking from my own view I do believe in heaven, or whatever one chooses to call it. It's the most loving,beautiful, happy place in all existence. I don't believe human beings are designed to understand what heaven really is though. For example, it would be like trying to understand what is absolutely impossible here, is actually possible in heaven. I just think it's beyond human comprehension to understand heaven. I believe myself, we are all here on Earth to do certain things, and it's a gigantic chain reaction, and our actions here have ripples across not only Earth, but to the Universe itself and everywhere. I truly believe my Wife was an Angel. She was and IS extraordinary. She is kind, giving, loving, completely selfless - to name just a few of her beautiful qualities.

I believe that what we do here, how we treat our fellow human beings is our mission shall I call it. Myself, I feel like I have changed, virtually instantly my Wife passed. I was a decent enough person before she died, but I feel I have definitely had a massive change within my being. I don't know exactly what will unfold in my life ahead. But I already know it will involve helping others.

I recently read thst grief is a potent tool to be productive. So this is what I will do, in a way that benefits other people. I NEVER want to stop grieving, to stop loving my Wife, which I won't. I would literally do anything to bring her back. ANYTHING. But I can't. So for the rest of my life I WILL honour and love my Wife, and how she lived her life, love and guide my Son and help other people as much as I can and to be a better person...

[KayC]

You are honoring her just by your amazing outlook!

[HisMunchkin]

8 hours ago, Paul777 said:

I have absolutely no fear, of anything, here on Earth now. Nothing, absolutely nothing, could scare me.

That sounds lovely.  I wish I had that outlook.  I'm not afraid of death either.  I fear life much more than I used to, though.  What makes it so you feel that you have absolutely no fear of anything here on earth now?

[P777]

9 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

That sounds lovely.  I wish I had that outlook.  I'm not afraid of death either.  I fear life much more than I used to, though.  What makes it so you feel that you have absolutely no fear of anything here on earth now?

Thank you and I am sorry for your loss.

The reason I feel that I am not scared of anything in life, is my Wife died, literally in front of me. Despite me performing CPR. Nothing, ever, will scare me here on Earth now. I literally, can do anything, with no fear. However, I correct myself in that I have one fear. This is for my Son, and he will have a good life,  without his Mammy. He will obviously have me, and my forever love and strength, but never on Earth his Mammy. 

But, as far as anything else here is concerned, nothing scares me.

14 hours ago, KayC said:

You are honoring her just by your amazing outlook!

Thank you Kay

[KayC]

4 hours ago, samstargazer83 said:

I just lost my fiance last month as well

I am so sorry for your loss!  We welcome you here and hope you'll continue to come here to read and post.  It helps to in a place where others listen and care.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[P777]

6 hours ago, samstargazer83 said:

I just signed up to this site tonight.. I am sorry for your loss Paul.. I just lost my fiance last month as well and I tried everything to help him.. I was his angel too!! I truly feel for you and your son!! Your loss was sudden and I am sorry.. Mine was challenging for the last two months, especially the last 6 days.. If you need to talk I am here for you..

Thank you sincerely samstargazer83, I am sincerely sorry too for your loss. May I ask how your fiance passed? This is an amazing community. You will find a lot of help here. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for what you both went through.  I don't think any of us care to live through what we went through at the last. again.  Hoping your heart can begin to heal with time.

[RichS]

Sam:  All of us on this board are very sorry for your loss. Please continue to post here. You'll find lots of caring people who know what you're going through.

[P777]

2 hours ago, samstargazer83 said:

On his death certificate it states his cause of death was due to late complication of metastatic testicular carcinoma, malignant cachexia, metastatic disease to liver and lungs, and acute renal failure..

He was actually diagnosed with Testicular Cancer on January 12th and it was late stage 3 at that time.. My fiance suffered and I thought the first two months were hard, it was the last six days of his life that were the hardest... actually it was very traumatic and I never want to experience that ever again..

I am just thankful his family came out here at that time because I wouldn't of been able to take care of him by myself.. And at that point he didn't want to deal with any more doctors or hospitals.. 

Thank you for sharing this samstargazer83, we are all here for you ♥️