It’s 2 and a half years later now.

[Roseapple]

In December 2021 the way I looked at the world changed. I changed too. There is a before and an after now. I had painted a future and dreams I was trying to achieve. I had met him only a year before it all, it was crazy! I never fell so hard for anyone, I never met someone that I felt that I could not live without. I was never so sure about anything in my life and it all finally made sense. Years of feeling rootless without anything grounding me. He came into my life so unexpectedly and turned everything upside down. We started making plans for the future. We talked about kids, he already had two, I was just about turning 40, we talked about the possibility that we might not be able to and how we would feel about it. 
Then everything descended to chaos. His headaches and vision issues turned out to be brain cancer. They did a scan and found more cancer in the lungs. He was not ready to give up, he fought hard, he was getting so tired, he at some point did it only for us, the people that loved him. He did not want to leave me behind. Then Covid got him and they had to stop the chemo. Not much later the doctors decided that he needs to be put on the ventilators. We had our last phone call that day. We said good night and I told him to call me when he wakes up. We did what we had done so many nights before. He said, I meet you in my dreams, you have my heart. This phone call haunts me, did I know then? Saying goodnight was the hardest and most painful moment of my life. 3 weeks later he passed away, the cancer progressed so fast without the treatment. 
I was not able to be at the funeral, lockdown was only lifted a few days prior. Even if I had been able to travel, I doubt anyone would have wanted me there, it was probably for the best. I just never got closure somehow. A part of me will never believe that he is dead. 
Back then this forum and the people in it helped me by sharing stories by feeling for each other. 
I am doing well even though the pain will stay always as will the love I have for him. But it is true, we grow around the pain around the grief. We all find ways of living with it. There is no manual unfortunately, nothing that works for everyone. We all need to figure out ourselves what works. 
I went to a fitness camp in Thailand! After it all happened, I ate bad, I drank too much, I did definitely not care about fitness. I gave up on myself. Last year when I went to this camp the first time, I was looking for a restart. Even though I am still not on “track” it gave me back some confidence and strength. 
I feel for all of you here that have lost their love as well, I hope you all can find something that works for you, to come back to life. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry, to go through all that during the pandemic...I'm glad you're doing some better now.  So hard.  

[Muad Dib]

My heart is with you Roseapple. Thank you so much for sharing your story of your lost love. He was a lucky Man... however brief the time you had together.

[Bou]

I lost my husband on Dec 19th 2021

Covid.  He went into the hospital not feeling well.  Another relative took him as I was working.  He didn't bother to get dressed went in his slippers.  I fussed with zipping his jacket for him but never ever did I think I would not see him again.  One week.  A big blur.  He was so sick I could hardly understand him but he rattled off everything I needed to do always looking out for me and his family.  

I ache for him still.  He was my everything.  I am putting one foot in front of the other.  My heart aches for all of you struggling with grief.  Grateful for this place to vent and let it out.  

 

 

[KayC]

My friend's husband did also, a year ago Feb. 4.  A helluva way to die.  He got long hauler's Covid.