My partner died- then found out he was a Sex Addict

[Dotty]

My husband/partner of some 25 years died in my arms - i was strong, he was brave and he died in no pain at home with our animals beside him. He dedicated a song to me 'through the fire' by Chakka Khan' (the words and meaning of the song are very poignant although i didn't realise it at the time). 24 hours before my husband passed he asked me 'to lay with him as it might be our last time, we might not get another chance'. He  asked me 'to look after him, keep him safe ' and told me i was 'lovely'. His final dying words were  'i love you'

Then after his death i  found out he had been for most of our relationship seeing prostitutes/escorts/joined dating apps etc all in secret behind my back. I also found out he was bi-sexual. Only reason i found out is i discovered  he'd  written and published porn books about his fun times  in Asia where he used to work when he was younger. He'd left the copies on his computer- all carefully hidden but i accidentally found them when after his death six months later i tuned on his pc and discovered the drafts. I also found out more or less up until his death he was hooked on porn, webcams, on line chats, dating agencies and looking for a new partner in Thailand and telling them he was single and a Buddhist!  He had also been seeing numerous prostitutes and escorts as well in UK- both men and women likely right up until a few months before he died. To say i am devastated is an understatement- not am i dealing with his death but all the betrayals that he'd kept secret for years. To the outside world, my husband was funny, shy, successful, charming and good fun. We were seen as a successful couple. He never ever looked at a woman in all the times we were together. He was not very tactile or affectionate (he said he found it 'hard to show affection and be tactile' in a letter he wrote me before he died and also wrote 'it doesn't mean he doesn't feel it'.  He wrote 'i am the love of his life' but i find this so hard to believe. I would say my husband used to show his love for me by doing things for me rather than cuddles and kisses which of course i missed very much. My counsellor says he had an avoidant attachment style and often these characters cant do intimacy at all  likely due a trauma as young child. My husband was an only child and left a lot of the time on his own, he was brought up to not show feelings, no crying or emotion was allowed  and i think he took this through into adulthood. He certainly never liked me to cry and often walked away when i was in pain or if i was ill as an example. My husband may even had a sexual experience as a young boy but i cant be sure. My husband never wanted to talk about his parents who died when my husband was in his thirties and 'whoreing around Asia' as his books say. My husband said when i mentioned his Mum or Dad 'it brought up memories he'd rather forget' .As they both died of cancer i thought he was referring to this so i never questioned him more on the subject but now i am not so sure and wondered if there was something else? . Alas i  didn't have a clue about my husbands secret sex life and i am now left with so many questions and  of course i never ever will get  answers or closure so life seems at the moment just one big tear drop that never ever goes away.  I miss him so much, my sadness and pain is like nothing i have ever experienced. I am not even angry at him- just sad. I cant believe he led this secret sex life right under my nose and that he risked everything for sexual experiences and erotism . I'm not a stupid person and i never suspected a thing. Any one else had to deal with a betrayal after death and how you got though this mess your loved one left behind, please get in touch x

[KayC]

I am so sorry and please, you are NOT stupid for not suspecting!  This is more common than you'd think.  One of those things people don't talk about.  They keep it well hid.  Of course you miss him, he was your husband and you spent your life together.  
I am so sorry you found out this way.

I'm glad you found this site and want you to know this is a caring family, no one here will judge, we're here to listen and care...and relate to each other.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[JonathanFive]

I'm very sorry for your loss, and doubly sorry for the mess of emotions your must be going through.  I think human beings lie, "everybody lies."   In fact, I've spent a ton of time in my life studying the psychology behind sales, and my favorite sales trainer Zig Ziglar who was famous for many musings, had one that said, "everybody lies."

Zig Ziglar would say, "buyers a liars and sellers and storytellers," or frankly, "two sides of the same coin." Also, I empathize with you as my lover lied to me the morning he passed away.

One of the things I've been working on is forgiving him and forgiving myself.  We all deserve forgiveness.  Maybe your husband had faults, but he also stated that he truly loved you.  Also, try not to consider the amount or years of misactions your husband took.  Its not the amount or time, do not focus on, "how many times you were lied to, or how many times you were wronged," because that can make forgiveness more difficult.  Focus on forgiving your husband for the 1 thing about him, that hurt you.

Let yourself be angry, let yourself be furious!  This is grief, this time for all the emotions to come out.  Grief is a time of self-care and self-compassion, as much as it is a time of anger and indifference.

I can imagine how you must be feeling, and it was so brave of you to come here and share this, as it certainly is not a story many people share in terms of the type of addiction expressed.  However, there are stories of addiction on the website, and we all have experience with how our spouses behaviors, good or bad, factor into our lives, their passing, and sooner or later our own passing.

My thoughts are with you.  

[KayC]

And do get tested for STDs.  Just to be safe.

[Dotty]

Thank you all so much for your support- i really appreciate it x

[KayC]

How're you doing?

[RichS]

Dotty:  Please continue to post here. There are lots of good people on this board who are here to listen and sympathize. We do it for each other every day.