Members anonwidow Posted April 5 Members Report Posted April 5 We lost two of our unborn children. A month later, I discovered my 23 year old fiance dead from an overdose. Punished not one, not two, but three times. How am I ever supposed to re-integrate into society? I do not qualify for therapy on the NHS despite the horrific and traumatic nature of my partner's death. I want to trade lives with literally anyone else. I feel like I'm screaming in the dark. Can I ever be forgiven for not saving his life? Will he ever forgive me? Will God ever forgive me for what I have done and failed to do? For not knowing what he was about to do? I'm only 24, my life is over before it's even begun. I have wasted my life. I have seen too much. I have lived too long. If the best I can do for him is flaccidly hover over his grave like an unwelcome ghost, as if this entire debacle wasn't a self-inflicted imprisonment entirely of my own making, like the feckless, pathetic excuse for a 'woman' that I am, then I want out. I indirectly killed the thing I love most in the world. I am my own prison guard. I created this Hell, but I'll be damned if I have to lie in it. 1 2
Moderators KayC Posted April 5 Moderators Report Posted April 5 We got a counselor for my daughter and it was income based, through Casa. It might be a consideration. Also Hospice often provides it, you can check where you live. You are not responsible for his death. I am so sorry for your many losses, that is horrific! Child Loss Child loss indefinite Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide Spouse's Suicide Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 2
Members JonathanFive Posted April 5 Members Report Posted April 5 I am very sorry for your enormous loss. I empathize with what must be absolutely devastating heartbreak. I cannot offer any advice on such a complex storm of tragedy. All I can say is that I hope you can find the self-love, self-care, and self compassion you need to begin to breathe a little; take a step back from all this, and find a support group. My heart breaks for you. Sending you hugs. Hope is not a tangible thing, neither is faith. Sometimes those constructs are as fleeting as a shooting star, but they are kind to us when we can feel them out in our confusion. 3
Members RichS Posted April 13 Members Report Posted April 13 Very sorry for all of your losses. Understandably, you are in shock right now. Jonathan Five has described your situation so well. I can only add that you come back to this board when you need to talk, ask or vent. We are here to support you and each other every day. 3
Members Marq Posted April 18 Members Report Posted April 18 I am so sorry for this terrible loss. It’s probably impossible right now, but try not to blame yourself. If you were having trouble finding Counseling, you can sometimes find counselors online, or by phone, or some religious centers. 2
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