I'm a human doing, not a human grieving

[AzgirlUK]

God, since my husband's death I've turned into a human doing. Doing the wash, cleaning the house, looking for better work, taking care of the kids, dealing with lawyers who don't appear to give a damn, family that want to release his ashes, trying to deal with insurance, taking care of everything. When in the heck am I going to be able to take stock of everything that's happened these past four years??

I fought to keep us together, fought doctors and nurses who would not care for him better, stayed by his side when he needed me and he had to go anyway. 18 years just gone.  Now, I'm alone with kids trying to manage another landmine field of taxes, lawyers and insurance folk.  I'm just mentally tried. This really sucks. I'm a human doing, but it's getting hard to breathe at times.

Thanks for letting me rant.

 

[KayC]

A human doing...sounds like you're trying to shut out your grief.  Pardon me if I'm wrong.  It's okay to have a time to just sit with your grief.
3 Reasons To Let Yourself Feel Your Emotions | Huffington Post
Avoidance in Grief
https://ask.aftertalk.com/making-time-to-grieve-3/

[widower2]

I get that; I was all but overwhelmed in those first few months and I didn't even have kids to take care of. Is there anyone (family, friends etc) who might be able to help with any of it?

[HisMunchkin]

Sometimes I feel that way too.  Too busy and stressed out by multiple issues and responsibilities to grieve.  I'm a human doing while carrying a brick in my chest.  But sometimes, the reminders and pain breaks through, then it's a cry fest.  Have you at least had cry fests? 

[widower2]

To be honest, I was at times glad to have things to do just to occupy my time...if I just sat down and dwelled on everything, I'd probably be in a rubber room.  Especially having inherited her/our dog...I didn't have the luxury of just laying in bed all day. I had to walk him, feed him, etc. 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

But sometimes, the reminders and pain breaks through, then it's a cry fest.  Have you at least had cry fests? 

When I was leading a grief support group, there was a lady who'd been married over 50 years that had never cried when her husband died.  She missed him and their life together though.  From all the reading I've done, it's okay not to cry, iow, not something to worry about.  There are other ways to grieve and not everyone cries, which often is relieving btw.  Nothing wrong with her.  Sometimes we carry our grief inside of us...that's where I'm at after the initial years...

[AzgirlUK]

Thanks for the advice. I'm not use to having to ask for help because I was always giving it. But, now that my husband's crossed over I feel so darn lost. He was like my anchor, he'd didn't know how much I admired him for his courage and intelligence.  But, I keep having to put one foot in front of the other because I know he wants me to get the kids on steady ground. Yet, I feel like I'm forever a woman on the edge of a panic attack when I think about the long road ahead. But, thank you all for letting me ease the pressure cooker. I just needed a moment to have a moan. 

[HisMunchkin]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

not everyone cries, which often is relieving btw.

It IS!  And that's why I asked if she has at least had cry fests.  🧸

 

37 minutes ago, AzgirlUK said:

Yet, I feel like I'm forever a woman on the edge of a panic attack when I think about the long road ahead. But, thank you all for letting me ease the pressure cooker. I just needed a moment to have a moan. 

I have the same feelings, and I don't even have kids to take care of, although I do have my own set of challenges to face.  You are not alone!  And please do come and release your pressure cooker as much as you want!  We all do it, and it really does help.  *big hugs* to you. 💝

[KayC]

1 minute ago, HisMunchkin said:

You are not alone!  And please do come and release your pressure cooker as much as you want!  We all do it, and it really does help.  

Amen to this!