I feel like my dog passing is my fault

[Nay]

I got my sweet baby boy 10y ago. They said he was around 2 at the shelter. He was diagnosed with Cancer last year. An aggressive tumor that had metastasized to his lymph nodes. We did two surgeries and chemotherapy. He had other issues not as major - parathyroid issue we also did surgery on to correct excess calcium. His kidneys were slightly degenerated. They told us his prognosis was guarded to poor. That the treatment was to buy time not a cure… he completed chemotherapy in January and was checked and clear in February. He started losing a lot of weight which we expected after chemo because he was weaning off of steroids. After the oncologist did their follow up February and said he was ok I decided we needed to go back to our regular vet because he continued to lose weight and a lot of energy. It turned out he had diabetes. His glucose was over 700. We started him on insulin a few days later.

He had developed cataracts and was already deaf. When we started insulin he seemed OK for a few days but then he started having a lot of pee accidents in the house. It went from 3 to 4 at night then 6 to 8 day/night, all over the house, even spots where he liked to sleep. We called the vet again. She saw him and said the cataracts were getting a little worse and she tested him for a UTI it was negative. His insulin was increased one unit. 

He also began having a really hard time seeing at night. He would bump into furniture and get trapped behind our couch. it also seemed like he was having trouble smelling because they told us that he would be able to sniff his way around our house. But when we would give him his treats or food, we would have to put it right into his mouth because if we put it on the ground in front of him, he couldn’t find it…

The night before he passed my husband had to go out of town and I was here with him and my two kids (5y and 10mos). Most of the day he slept and he actually didn’t have any accidents. Then at 7:30 he went upstairs by himself and had a huge accident. I cleaned it up and put the younger one to sleep. Then I saw he had had another accident. I tried to quickly take him out for a walk, but he was resistant, walking in the opposite direction having trouble finding where to go. He peed a couple of times, and then I brought him in. He bumped into a couple things in the garage and was frustrated. Even though the light was on in the house, he didn’t come inside. I shut the main garage door and left the door to the house open so he could come in at his own pace. I got my older one ready for bed, and when I came down, he had had two accidents in the kitchen. I cleaned those up and sat down. A few minutes later I heard him peeing behind me. I cleaned it and went upstairs to shower. I left him downstairs because I wanted him to adjust and smell his way to the staircase and up. Instead he bumped around for a half hour. I went down to lead him up the stairs. He had so much trouble navigating it, I finally picked him up under his legs and put his two front paws on the steps. Then he made his way up, and I went to sleep. The next morning when I couldn’t find him he was outside floating in the pool.

I’m sorry the post is so long, I just feel like I made so many mistakes. I gave him his insulin at 8:30 AM and 9 PM. It had already been about an hour since he had finished eating. I wanted to do it earlier, but he was still grazing. When he started having the accidents, I think it was because I hadn’t given him the insulin earlier, and now the poor boy was frustrated because his blood sugar had gotten too high and he was having accidents in the house. 
We always left his doggy door open for him that let out into our side yard. The side yard connects to our backyard by walking along the house and then taking a small path to cross the back of our house and then to our pool and main yard. The great majority of the time when he went out to relieve himself, he would only go a few steps into the side yard. He had even began pooping there, even though there was no grass. He had become resistant to using the doggie door when his vision got worse but still used it occasionally during the day. At those times he would go to our main yard maybe one time and still navigated it well… like before. We knew he came downstairs at night because he was having accidents down there, but we assumed he wasn’t using his door because it was dark, and he was avoiding being in the dark and the door. A few days earlier he had had an accident and as I was cleaning it up and I put him directly into our main yard from our sliding doors. He fell in the pool we got him out but we assumed this only happened because we put him in the main yard  ourselves and it was dark. 

I should’ve fenced off our side yard. But I never thought the way he was behaving(having trouble getting around the house at night, the accidents, only relieving himself in the side yard) that he would ever in the dark of night make his way to and down the stairs, to his door, out to the side yard, along the house, across the path and to the pool. It was stupid and should’ve been more cautious. Even if I thought that was something he was unlikely to do or couldn’t do he was telling me all night something was off. But I was just reacting. Worse even, I didn’t give him any pets or cuddles that night. A few treats, food and insulin. I loved him so much and let him go out like that. It kills me he suffered. 

My husband tells me that I should stop thinking this way. The surgeon told us if he made it to the end of this year it would be “a big win.” He was miserable and had even stopped playing with his beloved tennis balls. But even if that’s true I should’ve ensured he went with dignity surrounded by our love. My heart is broken and I’m so sorry for what I’ve done. 
 

[KayC]

My dog passed his physical with flying colors...I went in to get his teeth cleaned and the next day they told me he had inoperable cancer and his liver was shutting down!!  How can this happen?  He lived two month ten days longer and then I had him euthanized, which they botched, he went out in severe pain.  I tell you this only so you'll know I get how you're feeling, he was my soulmate in a dog, my gentle giant.

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died over 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

 

[Nay]

Thank you for saying that

[Sad Artist]

I'm so sorry this happened to your sweet boy and that you're going through this. I really hope you don't mind me saying this but I think this was a terrible accident and not your fault. I don't want to take away your feelings though. You were taking such good care of him, you really were doing your best.

I'm just guessing but could you have been at least a little sleep deprived? If you were caring for your two very young children and your sweet boy who was having a such a hard time, that's a lot. I was overwhelmed just caring for my pup the last few months of her life and I don't have young children. Making decisions even if you might be even a little sleep deprived is wobbly at best. I was sleep deprived while caring for my pup who had dementia and also made some mistakes, I also thought she wouldn't do certain things but she did. 

I'm so sorry you didn't have the opportunity to say goodbye to him or give him cuddles but he knew you loved him. It's so obvious that you loved him deeply.

[Nay]

Thank you for being so kind with your words. I’m sorry about your pup. We were just seeing the beginnings of dementia in my boy, caring for that over the long term is real devotion and you’re a pup was lucky to have you.