First Anniversary of Mother's passing

[Tuti48]

My mother, who I was very close to, died a little over a year ago. Three and a half years earlier, she had a heart attack and a stroke and became disabled. She was in her early seventies, youthful and energetic and had a wry sense of humour.

I became her primary caregiver. It was exhausting, as she needed full-time care,  but I did my best to give her the best quality of life possible. She was still lucid and did her best to overcome all these new challenges. Even though her health condition was frail, she was in good spirits and would try so hard to improve. She really was a trooper. 

Her life, mine and my sister's, entirely changed but we adapted. At first, relatives and friends would come over and offer to help out, but, eventually, they went back to their regular lives and would seldom visit. My mother was very much an introvert, so she didn't mind.

For me, it was a challenge. I was working full-time and also looking after my mother, albeit with my sister's help and  nurses we hired. However, I was in charge of her house, drove her to all her medical appointments and physical therapy, did her shopping, took care of her dogs, and arranged outings and other activities. It became another full-time job. The pandemic was another challenge, but she never got COVID and was never actually scared.

I had absolutely no time for myself but was happy to be there for her. We would watch tv together, go on drives to the park and the beach, sing songs from her youth, practice French and Italian, and I would bake cookies and pies for her.  I know she would have preferred her old independent life, but this was the best I could do.

We knew she would not recover but did our best to make her life as pleasant as possible. I did feel a sort of anticipatory grief from the very beginning, as well as anxiety, something like waiting for the other shoe to drop at any moment.

Early last year, her heart finally gave out and she passed away peacefully at home, with my sister and me by her side. My father, who was separated from her but with whom she had a civil relationship, came to say goodbye, as well as some relatives and close friends. It was how she wanted to go. I was relieved because she always said she didn't want to die in a cold hospital room. 

The first few weeks I felt relief because the three and a half years had been hard on everyone, especially her. I was also mentally exhausted about this long ordeal and needed to rest and not have to take care of anyone for a while. However, after a couple of months, this awful loneliness set in. I also lost my job at the same time, so, suddenly, I had nothing to do and felt a bit useless and lost. I also felt I couldn't reach out to anyone. I tried a couple of times and people said the wrong things, which made me feel worse.

I tried to remember my mother before her stroke, but could not. I also felt sad for her, how lonely she had been after her separation from my dad and how she had endured a lot of health-related emergencies in her final years. She was hospitalized twelve times between late 2019 and early 2023. 

There were several months last year during which I felt very isolated and misunderstood. I really felt that I couldn't talk to anyone because I shouldn't dwell in self-pity. A few friends actually made me feel bad about complaining. I told a friend that it was the most difficult year of my life and she replied: "for everyone". I haven't shared anything with her after that. Another friend, whose dad died a couple of months before my mom, told me that she felt horrible the week he died, but that now she's ok, busy with work. I didn't know what to reply. I just felt more and more alone.

Things are better now, but there are unexpected moments when I feel overwhelmed by grief.  Except for a few very precious friends, most people quickly went back to normal, not checking in or really showing much concern. It may be because I always act cheerful and in control, so they may not know that I am in pain. I have always made everyone feel at ease. My sister told me that she thought I was stronger than her, as she was all over the place while I didn't show my sorrow.

However, when I do talk about my grief, there is little response. I can understand it in people who haven't lost a parent as they can't know what it feels like, but this has happened with my best friend (who has lost both parents), and, worst of all, with my dad's family.

My paternal family act as if my mother's death has no importance. They were never close to her, but I thought they were close to me. However, it's like my mom never existed. They never mention her, they never ask me how I'm doing, whenever I mention her I'm met with silence or a change in subject. I used to be close to my cousins but they seldom call and, when we do get together, they talk about anything else. It took me a while to realize what was going on but now I am really angry and hurt by this.

The worst one is my dad. He has several unresolved issues with my mother, and he never mentions her, or, if he does, he says negative things about her. The other day, his girlfriend asked me how I was dealing with my grief and he said something like: "oh, poor little 40 year old orphan". I was shocked at his callousness. I am single and have no children, so my mother was the most important person in my life, and, the most painful thing for me, I was the most important person in her life. There is no one left who loves me that way.

When I told my therapist about this, she became silent. I think she didn't know what to say. I feel as if this anger and resentment I feel towards my father and his family at ignoring my mother and my grief, is going to fracture my relationship with them. The problem is that I don't know how to approach the subject.

I've always got along with my dad and it's always been light-hearted and warm. I wish I could tell him how hurtful he is being but he gets very defensive. I also feel that he is afraid something like this could happen to him, that this has hit home in a way. And, I also think he feels a bit jealous about the care I gave my mom, as if I loved her more than him.

So, this is where I am at, a year after my mother's death. I have a new job and it's going well. I am starting to date again, after having no interest while she was ill. However, the emptiness is there as well as the feeling that I really have no support system. I read someplace that grief needs to be shared. That is why I'm so glad I found this forum. I hope I am able to find people who are grieving like me and to be able to provide support as well. Thank you.