Not sure what I’m doing or how to feel

[Strainedteapot]

Hello everyone, I come here today to try to I guess talk to others who get how I feel, I lost my mum very suddenly on the 1st of March, she died of an undiagnosed heart condition which was a total shock, we had literally just spent 3 days away together me and her (something I am so So grateful for) but the sudden loss the day we came back it’s shocking to me, I know she’s gone but I can’t wrap my head around I’m never going to see her again and that is some hard pill to swallow. 
I was very close with her after I lost my step dad in 2015 to brain cancer and my real dad in 2014 to a heart attack, I’ve lost several members of family including my nana and my auntie as well in the last ten years. 
 

my mum had a closed direct funeral which no one could attend and I understand that and respect her decision, she was organised after my step dad passed she put everything into motion so that if anything happend I’d know what to do where and how, although I never thought it would happen I’m sure many of us don’t, I think I’ve done everything so far with sorting her estate out correctly and have help from my solicitor, I just guess I feel so sad because obviously I never wanted to do this, it’s like sorting through her things I can’t keep everything but I don’t know what to keep everything is sentimental everything is a memory of her and me, I don’t want to wallow in grief she wouldn’t want that but I’ve cried everyday my chest feels so tight I actually hurt if that makes sense. 
 

im terrified I will die the same way especially as now that is my mum dad and grandad with heart attacks I have spoken to my gp but I don’t fully open up I’m scared I have my husband I know I’m not on my own but it feels so lonely I feel like I’m alone even though I’m not if that makes sense the silence is deafening some times. It’s 4 weeks 1 day since she was taken and I’m heart broken I keep saying to myself I don’t know how to do this without her yet I still somehow wake up and plough through but the overwhelming sense of missing her is crippling me.

I have a big family and out of everyone only one showed up for me the day after I’m angry I expected more from my family but my husbands side really showed up for me his mum flew 4,500 miles to help me for a few weeks that I’m grateful for beyond belief but yeah my own family I just meh 

I guess I thought I knew what grief was loosing so many people but this, this is a whole other level and I feel like I’m going to be sad forever and I don’t know what to do or how to cope with it 

thank you in advance if you’ve got to this point I can ramble but any advice or experiences or if you’ve been here or are here unfortunately I’d be grateful just to hear from you.

C x

[KayC]

All you can do is take care of yourself physically and voice your concerns to your doctor who can order periodic tests, etc. to ascertain what is going on with your body. 

I am sorry for your loss.  
Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song