Members Sarah1008 Posted March 29 Members Report Share Posted March 29 Hello, I'm needing some advice please and this is the only place I can ask for it. I've received my husband ashes and all he told me to do with the ashes was to keep them so that when I die, we'll be buried together. My husband's family and my husband cut each other off years ago as he was an alcoholic and they didn't tell me at the beginning, there was other relationships and well it was messy! They never turn up at our wedding years ago, they never took to me and only a few months before he died, did my husband admit to me everything and explained why they never took to me. He was lying to them about me and causing a lot of slanders accusations to anyone that listened and besides all that, I regarded him as my soulmate, my best friend etc primarily cos he separated me from my family and friends that I had. I'm receiving therapy and speaking to my counsellor he sounded that he had narcissistic traits. I'm needing advice about what to do with his ashes? He has other grown-up children from a previous marriage and they are wanting the ashes. I am the executor for his estate and currently going through the courts to get closure and I've been told that I'm the one who has legal responsibility to deal with his ashes and I'm receiving messages from his children telling to hand over the ashes, or split them equally - before he died he was adamant that he didn't want his ashes to be split but I've heard from his kids that he changed his mind. Now, the man was a pathological liar but I'm stuck! I don't know who to believe. I don't want to give the ashes to his kids but they have known him their whole lives but I was there when the **** hit the fan with his drinking and none of his family wanted to know including his kids and he was sober for a year before he died but unfortunately, I don't have anything written and signed to say what he wanted done with his ashes afterwards. I've heard more from his kids now than I've ever have done and I just want to be left alone to get on with my life but one of them is saying that everything (including the house) should be split equally. My solicitor is aware about this situation and has told me to hold tight until everything is gone through the courts, which can take up to a year. In the meantime, I can't move house, and I'm very nervous in my own home, I've bought and installed cameras but still don't feel safe. What would you do? Give his ashes to his kids after the estate is finalised and severe all contact or keep the ashes as he wanted me to do (he told me when he was sober) but his kids will wind me up till I crack! I don't know what to do and I'm just wanting closure for this. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted March 29 Moderators Report Share Posted March 29 I'm sorry for your loss and all the additional stress of this situation. I don't think it would be appropriate for anyone here to advise you on what to exactly; I think it gets down to what do YOU want to do. You're the executor for his estate, so his kids have no say in it. If they're harassing you or threatening you, most states have laws against that and you can take action...if they leave hostile voicemails, make sure to save them (evidence). Also if they ever had a key to the house, change your locks and of course keep the doors and windows locked at all times. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 29 Moderators Report Share Posted March 29 What do YOU want to do with the ashes? That is what counts, not what they demand. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ThereIsAField Posted March 30 Members Report Share Posted March 30 Hmm... Is there any place that he loved/ felt at peace? I wonder whether you could scatter the ashes there and then let everyone in his family know that's where they are scattered because it was a special place for him, so they can visit and grieve there, if they want? Just an idea as a compromise of what might sort of consider everyone's feelings involved, including yours and his, even though he was a difficult person .......? I think, if possible, everyone deserves a peaceful place of rest and family members deserve a place to grieve no matter how difficult they may be or how messy their lives may have been. It sounds like you don't want to keep his ashes and eventually be burried with him...? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 30 Moderators Report Share Posted March 30 Honestly, if it was my first husband, who was a monster, he doesn't deserve anything. I flushed my wedding ring down the toilet at the end of that era, perhaps his ashes should have the same ending, but alas he's still alive and thankfully I won't be in charge of his ashes. In order for you to understand, this man was the worst monster anyone could encounter, he never went more than two weeks w/o hitting me, I could tell you stories but it does no good to dredge it up...he was horrid to animals too. Killed my dog on my 21st bdy. Put our three little kittens in a garbage can at a gas station miles away, on and on...caused me hearing damage... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ThereIsAField Posted March 30 Members Report Share Posted March 30 Kay, I come from a family with abuse too. I still think that every human being deserves a peaceful resting place. I think the people who were subject to the abuse can't be the ones to be in charge of that. I've got relatives too, where I will not be involved in making those choices regarding their resting place, because I have no generous feelings towards them at all. But I think every human being deserves to have *someone* who's at least neutral making those decisions for them. If we're not in a place to do that, then we should step back from those decisions. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 30 Moderators Report Share Posted March 30 1 hour ago, ThereIsAField said: If we're not in a place to do that, then we should step back from those decisions. Then maybe there lies the answer. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shawnt Posted March 30 Members Report Share Posted March 30 I think you should do what feels right for you. With that said remember the ashes are not him, they are just a reminder of him and have no more value then their sentimental worth , no more or less than a picture or a ring or a pair of his socks. They only have the value you put on them( or someone else as the case may be) 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JonathanFive Posted April 2 Members Report Share Posted April 2 Ashes in an urn, bodies entombed are a memorial, constructs of ethics and dignity. The value of the ashes is the value of the life that was lost. The ashes were not here, when the person wore the socks, the person was here... not the same thing 🙂 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 2 Moderators Report Share Posted April 2 Agreed...dust to dust, when I scattered George's ashes, those are long gone with the wind and rain and snow...but still it's marked with a tombstone and will always be symbolized to me by that marking the spot...one day we'll meet again and the first thing I'll do is give him a big hug! Don't know about our "new bodies" but I'm sure we'll be able to hug! (What is a heaven without hugs!) 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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