What makes your grief unique?

[DWS]

In those first few weeks of learning about grief, I would often read that everyone's grief is unique. Since then and during all of the time spent here in the needed, sweet companionship of others discussing and dealing with their awful losses,  I do see that each of us have our distinct lives, histories and circumstances that result in making our grief unique.

I know that what I desperately needed all of this time (other than having Tom and the world I knew back) is to share my emptiness with someone who totally gets my pain and thankfully, I found that here...but then, ultimately, that only goes so far when I discover that my situation or history isn't the same as others. Those differences might be obvious things like where we live (small town, city, etc) or family relations (youngest/middle child/oldest, only child/ one or two siblings/ large family, supportive/combative) or our ages (young adult/still working/in senior years); and then there are the far more deeper things that may differ: introvert or extrovert, our history of self-esteem and self-confidence, healthy or ongoing health issues, our body image and comfort, previous relationships and marriages, the all-important issues surrounding money and wealth, our outlook on life, and so on. 

I've been able to pinpoint the things that make my grief unique which I would like to share later but I thought I'd start this conversation as I think it is important to explore and understand it for ourselves. All of this grief is large and overwhelming but we all do have legitimate and specific reasons why it's that way. This is a topic that I've been wanting to start for months. What is it that makes your grief unique?

[HisMunchkin]

For me, I think the following combo might be what makes my grief unique?:

- I've been quite the hermit, so finding social support isn't very easy for me.  Also, my immediate family have issues so not much support there either.  My husband was my family and best friend. 

- We don't have any kids.

- Because no one else even came close to being as close to my husband as I am, (with the exception of his mother, but she lives in another country and they've been living in different countries for three decades), it feels like no one else around me is as affected by his death as I am.  It's quite a lonely place to be in.

- Other major stressful issues also came up right around the same time as my husband's passing, so it's been extremely overwhelming.

- I don't drive, and used to depend on my husband for most of my transportation needs.  So it's been a challenge getting around.

- I'm going to turn 50 this year.  Not many people lose their spouse at this age compared to those who are older.

 

That's all I can think of right now.  Those are all factors that might make my situation a little harder than most, but I'm sure there are things that make it easier for me than most as well.  For instance:

- Financially, I'm doing o.k.

- The good thing about being an introvert, bordering on full hermit, is that I am usually o.k. with being alone.

- I usually try to think more positively (though I find that much of it has been impeded since my husband's death).

- I still have my dog whom I love dearly.  She's gives me reason to keep going.

- I found a message board with awesome, supportive people who has helped me cope with my loss!

 

 

[KayC]

@HisMunchkin I can relate to what you are saying, I was 52 when my husband died, he'd just turned 51.  To know what makes my grief unique, you'd have to understand what made our relationship unique!  We were together all the time when not working, we were so close!  We could read each other's thoughts, he adore me and I him.

I too feel the dogs I've had (three since he died) have kept me going...as have the cats, and I've had some special ones.

[Boggled]

20 hours ago, DWS said:

I know that what I desperately needed all of this time (other than having Tom and the world I knew back) is to share my emptiness with someone who totally gets my pain and thankfully, I found that here...but then, ultimately, that only goes so far when I discover that my situation or history isn't the same as others. Those differences might be obvious things like where we live (small town, city, etc) or family relations (youngest/middle child/oldest, only child/ one or two siblings/ large family, supportive/combative) or our ages (young adult/still working/in senior years); and then there are the far more deeper things that may differ: introvert or extrovert, our history of self-esteem and self-confidence, healthy or ongoing health issues, our body image and comfort, previous relationships and marriages, the all-important issues surrounding money and wealth, our outlook on life, and so on. 

Tendency to spirituality?   - that's me, I THINK.  I've started reading:  Evolution of the Word: The New Testament in the Order the Books Were Written: Borg, Marcus J.: 9780062082107: Amazon.com: Books   ... frankly, because I have my doubts about how exactly the Bible really tells what happened! ... and man, reading Paul's epistle to the Galatians, such convolutions in his expression!  ... I keep on keeping on recognizing, "what do I know?  NOTHING!"  

This morning I woke up around 3:30 am, unusual for me, and going through my head was "the difference between life and non-life," "life has to come from life," and "seeds are alive," but when they die, they don't have a spirit do they?  when a tree dies, does it have a spirit?" ... "what is spirit?"  "Only life can reproduce? ... nope, robots can reproduce."  ... tendency to spirituality ... sometimes things happen, though, that seem to be ... ARE ... "miraculous."

17 hours ago, KayC said:

To know what makes my grief unique, you'd have to understand what made our relationship unique!  We were together all the time when not working, we were so close!  We could read each other's thoughts, he adore me and I him.

We too were together all the time, we too were so close!  I WISH I could read his thoughts but he was much more (Meyers-Briggs) "sensing" and I was more "intuitive," I THINK.  

and there was always this deep trust that I had in HIS capabilities, whereas I distrust my own.  

"Solitude;"  in my case, I have such a lot of it!  But also it equals "privacy," which at least I IMAGINE I have a lot of, too.  

"ability to interact with people," HIS ability was tremendous, me, pitiful.

People say "we were two halves of one whole," which I can agree with;  but!  which halves?  which part lived and which part died?

really, the uniqueness comes from the huge variety of possible variables, on each of which we have "our place," and each of which interacts with all the others.

[shawnt]

As a coping technique I tend to not think of my circumstances as unique. I try and look at the wholeness of the human experience. If you love deeply and suffer a loss it is inevitable that you will grieve. If you live long enough everyone you love will go before you ( is that luck or a curse ? ) 

I don't want to downplay your thought because I do believe it is vital to understand why our grief is debilitating us as individuals but for me it feels more survivable if I look at it as a part of the overall human condition and cost of of a good life. For me loving fully brings joy and the loss brings devastation. You can't have one without the other, the only unknown is who goes first because eventually we all go.

I want to apologise because this whole entry is a massive downer. I think that facing mortality is what makes our brief lives all the more precious and fully embracing our loves all the more sweet.

Perhaps that's what makes my grief unique ?

 

[DWS]

On 3/30/2024 at 9:34 AM, shawnt said:

I don't want to downplay your thought because I do believe it is vital to understand why our grief is debilitating us as individuals but for me it feels more survivable if I look at it as a part of the overall human condition and cost of of a good life.

Unfortunately, that would have us looking at our loss rationally and all of this would be so much easier if we could just follow the logic that none of us live forever. But the majority of us soon abruptly learn that anything we learned about picking up the pieces after a loved one's death has been blown out of the water when it personally happens to us. Often added to the traumatic loss of our partner or spouse are the secondary losses that mount up big time. Some of the big ones are the loss of our dreams, our hopes, and our future outlooks which are all individually based and unique. Understanding that our grief is unique helps us cope with our individual loss. If someone mentions to me that so-and-so over there got over their partner's loss within a few months, does something like that imply that I should too? If I then use that as the barometer for grief, that only can add to my grief if I start thinking something must be wrong with me because it's now been well over a year, two years, or five years. Understanding the differences of circumstances, of personalities, of the aftermath, of support circles, etc are vitally important to our mental and emotional well-being through all of this. That's where the uniqueness comes in and helps give us perspective on why our person's death puts us on such a difficult personal journey. 

[Marq]

It’s Easter and I’m at work crying in a spare room. It’s Easter and’ There’s no presents or candy for the girls. I didn’t think to buy any. They’re adults, but Dorothy always bought presents Abe candy for them, no matter their age.  But I didn’t even think about buying anything. Because Dorothy was going to buy them. But Dorothy is not here. So I’m trying to pull myself together, crying in the back room, thinking about how broken everything is without her

[shawnt]

I agree. Our paths to our loves and theirs to us allowed the relationships to be their own thing of beauty the lives shared together built the bond. The surprising thing to me and the hardest to understand is how the future has been erased or altered in a way that I can't seem to comprehend. I was useful and vital with plans and dreams of what came next and now I am a lonely nincompoop with no idea of what comes next or even what I want. No way back ; but forced to go on without her. I miss her.I miss her.I miss her.

[HisMunchkin]

16 minutes ago, shawnt said:

The surprising thing to me and the hardest to understand is how the future has been erased or altered in a way that I can't seem to comprehend. I was useful and vital with plans and dreams of what came next and now I am a lonely nincompoop with no idea of what comes next or even what I want. No way back ; but forced to go on without her. I miss her.I miss her.I miss her.

I know exactly what you mean!  I feel lost.  I'm just focusing on the present and getting things done right now, but when I peek into the future, I'm at a complete loss.  "What now?" and also, "What for?..." comes to mind.   

[HisMunchkin]

Not to mention many, "Where are you???"

[Marq]

Some days it is hour by hour and minute by minute. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

11 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

Doing well I was thinking to myself - it is easier for people to think you’re doing well, than to think anything else.

Doing well relative to what?  That’s the thing that crosses my mind when someone asks me how I am doing.  “I’m okay-ish” is my usual answer.  “Hanging in there.”  In a previous post I mentioned being well, or okay, is kind of relative.  I can have a conversation about things going on, but there is that hole in the conversation, that muffled space that is Veronica’s absence in the world.  I feel like I am the only one here that has to deal with the crater in my life and no one else seems to get it.  Our sons and DIL have their lives and don’t seem to be affected by Veronica’s passing, at least outwardly.  If they are grieving, it is in their own manner, which I respect, but nothing that I can tell.  I almost feel like I should see something from them, but that is unfair and selfish of me to want them to feel like I do.  In my mind, they are the part of the world that has moved on while I carry the burden of grieving for my bride.  Sometimes I don’t like myself for having those thoughts, that the kids should be showing more signs of missing their mom.  

[Marq]

8 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

I almost feel like I should see something from them, but that is unfair and selfish of me to want them to feel like I do.  In my mind, they are the part of the world that has moved on while I carry the burden of grieving for my bride.  Sometimes I don’t like myself for having those thoughts, that the kids should be showing more signs of missing their mom.  

I understand what you are saying.  My kids also seem to be grieving less than i am.  My oldest daughter and I talked about it.  Our daughters lost their mother, which is terrible, but is at least partly expected.  Parents die before their children.  But I lost my partner, my best friend, my most intimate  companion, the person who knew more about me and understood me better than anyone else in this world.   When I lost my wife, I lost more than half of myself.  I love my wife differently and deeper than my children love their mom.  So I understand why my children seem to be handling our loss better than I am.  But I also understand that I am alone in my grief.  no one, not even our children, can understand what this feels like.

[KayC]

You are so right.  No one misses them like we do unless they are young enough to still have a parent around, but even then, the relationship is different...it's us that were in their lives on a day to day basis and most intimate.

[ThereIsAField]

18 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

I instantly clicked to someone I met at a grief cafe recently. I could really relate and understood the feelings that she had from her experience of loss. But not a loss of a partner, loss of a father at a very young age. Now in her late twenties the pain & impact of this tremendous loss is very much still part of her life & so I think it was the navigating and carrying the grief that we clicked and related to.  She shared the above link which I found interesting.
 

She also recommended Cariad Lloyds book, You are not alone

https://youtu.be/w1vKqU1Mxhk?si=_60kXUg-0MS9Z4Yu

Just listened to this... it's really good. Thank you for the recommendation!

[LMR]

I just read an excerpt from the book - also very good.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/jan/07/ways-to-talk-to-people-grieving-cariad-lloyd-griefcast

She is giving a talk a few miles from me later this month so I might go and listen.

[RichS]

On 3/29/2024 at 1:38 PM, KayC said:

To know what makes my grief unique, you'd have to understand what made our relationship unique! 

Spot on, Kay. All of our relationships were not exactly the same, so the thoughts and grieving we experience are also unique.

[Bou]

I read back a bit on the threads.  I find this one very interesting.  So many things make my grief unique.  Our love was ours.  Its going to be unique.  

There is no one size fits all here.  All the faccets have to be accounted for.  What works today might not or will not work tomorrow.  

On 3/30/2024 at 9:34 AM, shawnt said:

As a coping technique I tend to not think of my circumstances as unique. I try and look at the wholeness of the human experience. If you love deeply and suffer a loss it is inevitable that you will grieve. If you live long enough everyone you love will go before you ( is that luck or a curse ? ) 

I don't want to downplay your thought because I do believe it is vital to understand why our grief is debilitating us as individuals but for me it feels more survivable if I look at it as a part of the overall human condition and cost of of a good life. For me loving fully brings joy and the loss brings devastation. You can't have one without the other, the only unknown is who goes first because eventually we all go.

I want to apologise because this whole entry is a massive downer. I think that facing mortality is what makes our brief lives all the more precious and fully embracing our loves all the more sweet.

Perhaps that's what makes my grief unique ?

 

This response stood out the most to me as did others but this one hit the feels.   Thanks for all the shares that everyone brings!  I appreciate all of you.

[Bou]

On 4/3/2024 at 3:38 AM, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Doing well relative to what?  That’s the thing that crosses my mind when someone asks me how I am doing.  “I’m okay-ish” is my usual answer.  “Hanging in there.”  In a previous post I mentioned being well, or okay, is kind of relative.  I can have a conversation about things going on, but there is that hole in the conversation, that muffled space that is Veronica’s absence in the world.  I feel like I am the only one here that has to deal with the crater in my life and no one else seems to get it.  Our sons and DIL have their lives and don’t seem to be affected by Veronica’s passing, at least outwardly.  If they are grieving, it is in their own manner, which I respect, but nothing that I can tell.  I almost feel like I should see something from them, but that is unfair and selfish of me to want them to feel like I do.  In my mind, they are the part of the world that has moved on while I carry the burden of grieving for my bride.  Sometimes I don’t like myself for having those thoughts, that the kids should be showing more signs of missing their mom.  

I can relate to this.  My kids all have lives of their own.  Since his passing... my son and his family have moved.  That was last year.  A few weeks ago my daughter moved.  The loneliness has really set in as my daughter was very dependent on me.   I know they miss him and grieve but they don't know the dept of my grief...   They don't know how hard it is for me to have to ask for any help from them.  They don't know how I feel inside as it was my husband.  I am so emerged in my own grief I don't think how they must feel as often as I think I should.   Is it because we live in a world of easy come easy go.  Are they just waiting for me to pop off this earth?  Is it just the generation?  I don't know the answers and I think sometimes I don't want to know because I just have enough to handle with out adding more to my plate.  I think they just think I am ok.  I also think I give that impression because I don't want to upset anyone and I hold it all in.

[WithoutHer]

3 hours ago, Bou said:

I can relate to this.  My kids all have lives of their own.  Since his passing... my son and his family have moved.  That was last year.  A few weeks ago my daughter moved.  The loneliness has really set in as my daughter was very dependent on me.   I know they miss him and grieve but they don't know the dept of my grief...   They don't know how hard it is for me to have to ask for any help from them.  They don't know how I feel inside as it was my husband.  I am so emerged in my own grief I don't think how they must feel as often as I think I should.   Is it because we live in a world of easy come easy go.  Are they just waiting for me to pop off this earth?  Is it just the generation?  I don't know the answers and I think sometimes I don't want to know because I just have enough to handle with out adding more to my plate.  I think they just think I am ok.  I also think I give that impression because I don't want to upset anyone and I hold it all in.

In all honesty I think they just don't know the depth of your grief. They can't relate to that kind of loss. I've lost my parents other family members friends and coworkers. None of them except for my mom, which really was hard but still nothing like losing Vickie. The depth of the pain is unlike anything we'll experience. Don't beat yourself up over that. They really don't know. You can try to express it to them but it will never sink in like you feel it.

[Bou]

21 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

In all honesty I think they just don't know the depth of your grief. They can't relate to that kind of loss. I've lost my parents other family members friends and coworkers. None of them except for my mom, which really was hard but still nothing like losing Vickie. The depth of the pain is unlike anything we'll experience. Don't beat yourself up over that. They really don't know. You can try to express it to them but it will never sink in like you feel it.

So very true.  I think back to when my mother lost my father and how I know now how she must have felt.  Thank you for your kind words.