the love of my life

[Sad Artist]

I lost my sweet girl two weeks ago. I was lucky in ways that so many other pet owners are not, I had time to prepare and I was with her in the end. Last March when my dog, Frankie was 13, she started having mobility issues and began showing symptoms of dementia. I didn't even know dogs could have dementia until her vet told me Frankie had it. I knew that even though she was having some confusion, displaying sundowning, and having anxiety at night that we still had some time together. She still wanted to play, eat, and go for walks, she was still very much herself. Slowly over the past year the dementia worsened to where she was constantly trying to turn left even though that wasn't the direction she wanted to go in. Her vet as well as a second opinion vet wondered if she had a brain tumor but since Frankie never experienced seizures, it was ruled out. 

During this past year she started developing muscle atrophy in her hind legs, worsening arthritis in her hips, and she lost 9 pounds. Often times she wouldn't be able to get up on her own and would have accidents while being stuck on the ground. I spent less and less time out of the house so I was there when she needed me. I also slept less and less while the dementia intensified to be with her at night, to try and calm her. I didn't mind this, naps could be taken, I work from home, I am somewhat of a homebody, I wanted to take care of her, she was the love of my life. Honestly I feel like I could've gone on like that forever if it meant being with her. 

Three weeks ago my boyfriend and I met some family from out of town for dinner, when we returned home Frankie was stuck on living room floor and she had soiled herself. She was panting and anxious. I comforted her, kissed her and she looked so sad as I was cleaning her off. The guilt I feel about not being home with her is crushing. This had happened before and I really began to worry about her quality of life and if I was holding on too long. I made more vet appointments and was told I was in a window of time where it would be advisable to let her go, it all depended on how much more of a decline I wanted to witness. I made the impossible choice to let her go and had in home euthanasia.

Over the past couple of weeks I've been reading a lot of people's stories of loss here and what is somewhat comforting to me is a lot of us experience so much guilt. The guilt we experience seems to run the gamut of experiences of loss here, no matter how we lose our beloved pet. I feel guilty I held on too long but now that its spring and her arthritis may have eased a little, I feel guilty that let go too soon. I feel guilty that right before the vet came to the house, she was anxious. I feel guilty that once she finally laid down and stopped panting, the vet sedated her and she tried to get up and my boyfriend and I kept holding her so she wouldn't get up and stumble around. I feel so much guilt and regret, like so many of you.

Mostly though I miss her so much, this is most excruciating pain I've ever gone through. I am lost without her, I don't know what to do with myself. She was the source of so much joy in my life for 14 years and the only unconditional love I have ever known. I am so thankful I was her mom, that I got to love her and take care of her, she was so beautiful, smart, hilarious, I've never loved anyone as much I love her. I sleep with her favorite toy now and I still wake up every night, thinking she's there. I'm heartbroken and cry into her bed every day. 

Thank you for reading this, it is comforting to know that others experience this because they so profoundly love their pets and I'm not alone.

[KayC]

I lost my Lucky girl because her arthritis was so bad, her leg would go out from under her.  She had ran with motocross and had a very bad accident down a ravine when she was  year old and had to have a spring put in her ankle, the vet warned that she would have issues.  I was her third owner by age 2.  I gave her a forever home and she was euthanized when she was 14.

My heart goes out to you.  It is very hard to lose a beloved pet no matter what or when.  You gave yours a good home.  Please do not beat yourself up, if she could tell you anything, it would be thank you.

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died over 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

She used to always curl up her lip and grin at me when I'd get home from work...she hadn't done that the last two years.

[Nay]

You are not alone. Our pets and the way they love us, is something so pure, it’s just hard not to feel we’ve let them down in some way. You didn’t want her to suffer… making that decision is the hardest, bravest, most loving thing you could do. 

[Sad Artist]

Thank you, your message couldn't have come at a better time. I thought the guilt had subsided but for some reason last night and this morning it reemerged. Thank you for your kind words, you helped me remember that letting her go was to prevent her suffering any further from her almost constant anxiety and pain. Thank you.

[Sad Artist]

I've been experiencing a three day grief burst, I'm unsure if anything specific triggered it. It could be that on this upcoming Saturday it will be one month since Frankie passed. The time of us being apart will only increase, that separation will only expand, the thought of it is devastating. I was doing better last week especially, just short bursts of crying, mostly at bedtime. I started a new routine and I thought that might be helping. Yesterday the routine was difficult, today I have no desire to stick to it even though I was enjoying it a few days ago. I'm trying to give myself grace today, I know I want to get back to it soon, I just can't stop crying today and I have no desire to do anything. When I'm not crying I catch myself just staring off into space. I feel so empty, I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I have a ridiculous amount of vacation time built up since I was unable to leave her for such a long time, I should take a trip but I don't want to go anywhere other than to the past when we were together.

[KayC]

I understand.