I killed my sweetest baby, it's all my fault. I want to die right now.

[Pipi]

I'm seriously considering ending my life because I killed my cat. I can't even say it's an accident, even though I have no intention of hurting her, it was very much avoidable if I could've controlled my selfish behavior. Pipi was my first and only cat. We had her since she was 3 months old and she tragically passed on 2/23, she was only six years old and it's all my fault.  Pipi didn't have regular checkups for many years, and when we did do a regular checkup this year, we missed checking her heart functions. I was separated from my family for almost four years due to COVID-19, and now I'm back to see Pipi. I was obsessed with her. I love her so much so I constantly hug her, kiss her, and cuddle with her, even though many times she doesn't like it. Sometimes she meows when I pick her up, I knew she didn't like it but I never knew my cuddles would've scared her so much. Pipi likes to sleep under heavy blankets during the winter, I thought she would have a hard time breathing but when I googled, it seems that cats are able to breathe underneath covers. 

On 2/21, I wanted to cuddle with her as usual when I wanted to take a nap, she was meowing but I thought she would stop once she settled with me. She continued to meow as I put her under the blanket. Then all of a sudden she made a very weird meow. I realized I was too off and shouldn't force her so I let go and she ran off only then did I realize her back legs were suddenly paralyzed along with her painful meow sounds. Pipi never meowed like that before. I remember panicking and telling my mom immediately. Pipi was taken to the vet to find out that she had blood clots that blocked her blood vessels and was at risk of her life. The vet said the blood clot blocking was due to her heart conditions (most likely a heart attack) and didn't suggest surgery because of how weak her heart was. I gave my lovely Pipi a heart attack. We went to another vet, the same diagnosis. Within two days of treatment at home(the doctor suggested feeding pills only), she passed away in front of me. She was in so much pain. Her back paws turned purple and they were pink when she was healthy. I knew Pipi wanted to live so much, she should've had a long life. 

I hate myself so much and I don't see a way to live with this intense type of guilt and regret. I loved her so much, I had plans with my sweet girl. I even bought her new treats and helped her switch to a better diet. I watched movies with her at night, I combed her fur almost every day. I  never should've gone back home, she was perfectly fine before.  I wish I could've died for her. It's been over a month and I can't forgive myself, not now, not ever. My mom said I didn't mean to, but the fact I knew Pipi didn't like my cuddles but still wanted to cuddle. How selfish am I, forcing the sweetest cat? I've been crying so much to the point I had trouble breathing but recently this week I haven't really cried much but the extreme guilt and grief are killing me inside. I haven't been able to do anything productive since Pipi passed and I see no hope for the future since I really can't reverse time to stop my actions. I couldn't sleep or eat as usual. Now I'm thinking of ending this suffering. Pipi truly doesn't deserve to die, I do. I don't deserve Pipi. She has been my soulmate since I was 15. Even when covid hit, I would always Facetime my mom to see her.  I'm so much beyond being not qualified as her caregiver, I'm evil and I can feel Pipi's blood on my hands. I'm so sorry Pipi, I love you.  

 

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss, but you're not being at all fair to yourself. You cannot "give" someone a heart attack or a blood clot. Guilt is common when we suffer a loss; I think maybe it's because we feel guilty about still being here but they aren't. But that doesn't mean the loss is our fault or that punishing ourselves helps them in any way. Give yourself time to deal with this loss, as it does take time. I hope this site can help you in some way too. Best to you

[Pipi]

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  I met Kitty when she was 10, acquired her when she was 12-13, and she died when she was 25 1/2.  When I got her (there is a cat rescue lady across the street) this lady recommended I not get her vaccinations at her age and because she was terribly afraid of cars I didn't take her to the vet.  I tried to get a vet to pull her upper front teeth when she was 23 but no one would touch her because of her age.  Miraculously she healed herself.

I tell you this to let you know that your not taking her to the vet doesn't always have a tragic ending and it's more luck of the draw.  Yours dying had less to do with you and more to do with the luck of the draw.  I know you feel what you feel but I also want to remind you (and want you to remind yourself)  feelings are feelings...not facts.

You can rest assured your kitty is at peace now...

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died over 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[Spoon]

Sounds like you loved this cat to bits.I bet she knew that.

Gut wretchin as it is,im a 100% sure she wouldn’t like to see you like this.

You can’t for-see everything as their guardians.

We,like cats, make lots of mis judgements…it’s  what we do.

Try and make something positive of what’s happened…

Thinking of you…