I want to die

[FatherofSon]

I lost my little boy in divorce battle to my ex wife in Y2012. Since then I miss my child who was around d 2 year old then and trying to contact him and meet him as far as possible. In y2024, he is 18 yo and still we are in touch by in last 12 years or so, he hardly calls me or visits me and give false excuses  that he will come in few days on such occassi9ns, etc ...these excuses for last 12 years has caused me angry towards him and converted my extreme love to hatred because he kept teasing me and lying and hardly meets me.  Due to this, I am feeling sad and want to die because I realized I lost him and he will never be mine and stay with me forever. Whenever I want to go out for few days I call him to take with me but he never gives proper reply and I ended up shouting and bad working him on calls making my more angry and bad person also ... i have lost my mental control and want to die so I don't harm him Andy parents more due to by sour nature...pls help