Feeling alone

[4ever215602]

New to the group. I lost my “wife” 10 days before our wedding a few months ago. We were together almost 8 years. We were each others everything. She was  is and will always be my soulmate. I’m in therapy I talk about her to others I have books I’m doing everything they say will help heal but I’m always sad. I’m isolating more: I’ve cut myself from most of the world. Yet if you saw me I would be smiling talking about life and the day like it is any other day. Nobody would know the struggle I’m in when I get home and am all alone. I miss her so much. I’m just so numb and lost and I feel like a burden when I talk to others about her like they are tired of hearing me and want me to just move on. I’m doing the best I can do but this is real trauma and I never thought I would be in this position. So many dreams and goals and love and now it’s all gone. It’s especially hard on a night like tonight where I can hear people outside laughing and having fun and enjoying their weekend and I’m sitting home alone in the dark with my puppy missing the one person on this earth I was meant to be with. Like I said I’m doing what I’m “supposed” to be doing and getting the help I need. It’s just every morning I wake up im wishing it was a bad dream but she’s not there and it wasn’t a dream. Just wondering how many others feel like this and what you all do when your alone just to not be as sad and have a little hope. I’m grateful I took action right away to have the help I need but nothing puts her hand back in mine. Thanks Everyone. 

[widower2]

I'm so sorry (and hello from an ex-Tucson resident). Don't worry so much about what you're "supposed" to be doing and do what works for you. I hope this site can help in some way. It's a great group of people who "get it." 
 

[WithoutHer]

You are far from alone in your situation. Many here like myself are alone in their grief. I also am alone and a recluse because of my loss. Like you I also am caring for a pet, 3 actually, and if I didn't have them I don't know what I would do. There is no getting away from the grief. It really is as everyone says a one day at a time experience. It's good that you've taken the steps you have so early on and I hope in time it helps you to cope with the awful feelings we were forced to live with. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Welcome here, there will be others along soon.  It's a place we can read and post and know others hear us and get it, our details may vary but for the most part, we understand as we've been there.  No timetable, we're all unique.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[DWS]

8 hours ago, 4ever215602 said:

Like I said I’m doing what I’m “supposed” to be doing and getting the help I need. 

My heart truly goes out to you on such a horrible loss for you. Practically every word that you wrote in your introduction is something that most of us here could have written. Your ongoing rollercoaster of feelings is what is usual, common and expected...but sadly, we end up fighting with the rest of the world (and sometimes with ourselves) that want us to start to "move on". We get that here and, boy oh boy, do we understand that pressure. It's good that you sought therapy. I did as well for about a year and a half. What I found was that, despite my ongoing sadness and emptiness, I was thankful that I had the ear of my therapist. Our sessions were completely focused on my partner, our relationship, and the loss of him in my life. She was there listening and acknowledging my pain. She wasn't going to take away my pain. She knew she couldn't and I knew she couldn't. Grief needs that attention because those of us who lost our one and only are in a constant state of trying to process our loss. 

[4ever215602]

Thank you for everyone’s kind words and advice and all the positivity. We were working on starting a family so since the housing market it insane right now we had just gotten a new 2 bedroom apartment so we had the extra room in case we ended up having a baby. I said we will stay here a year and then buy a house. Obviously that didn’t happen but I am great friends with one of the leasing agents. She has been part of the support system I now have. It was her idea for me to get a puppy and I thought it was too soon but I got her and Luna (my frenchie) has been my best friend during this very early difficult time. She gets me out of the place to walk her she shows unconditional love and she is just an amazing puppy. I’m actually headed out soon to see my best friend I’ve had since I moved to Arizona. His religion and God talk had pushed me away before but gives me comfort now so we are going to his church. This is the same Church where I found a grieving group and also a men’s group I have joined. I find myself having to go go go sometimes just so I’m not sitting alone sad because as I had said I tend to be more comfortable isolating these days. I moved apartment units into a 1 bedroom because it was too difficult to stay in the previous units. I have her pictures all around as for now some days they give me comfort and make me smile seeing her and other days they make me sad I only see her through these photos. This response was in response to everyone’s comments and I tried to talk about something each of you had brought up. Thanks again for being there as it seems we all feel some of the same things so it’s nice to know I’m not alone. I hope everyone has a nice Sunday. 

[AzgirlUK]

4ever,

I'm sorry learn of your loss. My husband died three months ago, so I like many here understand what you are going though. It's painful to remember my husband's passing, but sometimes I laugh out loud remembering better days. I know that your wife on the other side is pulling for you. They are free while we're still working with and within this material world. I may be returning to Arizona and New Mexico  later this year to be closer to my family, so Life in Arizona is something I can relate to.

Life feels like it's spinning out of control at times, I am still working to level myself out. When you feel those spinning days, try to remember something good and then put on foot in of the other. God bless

[HisMunchkin]

I am so sorry for your loss!  Welcome to the board.  It sounds like you're doing all you can to get the support you need, which is very good.  Other than that, only time will heal, I think.  Time, and adapting to life without the one we love, one day at a time.