Maybe I'm expecting too much?

[AllByMyself]

What do you do when there's no support? I'm an only child. My parents divorced when I was 32. It was an ugly divorce.  While my mom might understand my grief she brings a lot of negativity towards my father into the conversation. They've been divorced for 18 years and she's remarried so - it seems kind of pointless to me to complain about my dad now. 

My dad was diagnosed in April w/ stage 4 cancer. He was having trouble breathing and scans showed he had a tumor pressing on his aorta. He was literally riddled with tumors. He did Chemo and radiation but it didn't help. After 10 rounds of whole head radiation they discovered a new tumor that was unbelievably large. 

I am married (26yrs) normally I would speak very highly of my husband but lately he just upsets me. There's been absolutely no support from him, no condolences, nothing. Even on the day my dad died, I didn't even get a hug or an I'm sorry about your dad.  He did pick up a pizza so I didn't have to cook.

The last time my dad went to the hospital was on Thanksgiving day. His GF found him in a chair that morning unable to walk or talk.  I had been down to visit him the weekend before and that was the last time I saw him conscious. They had to keep him sedated because he was extremely agitated otherwise. I couldn't be with my dad because my husband had invited one of his sons and his family for Thanksgiving dinner. I really think they would have understood if they knew what had happened but my husband didn't want to cancel. And I didn't argue. But pretended everything was fine. (yeah I know, that's on me)

I would go visit every other day, even though it was a 2 hour drive there and 2 hours back. On the day he died his GF and her daughter were with him. They called me and said that there had been changes and the doctors thought his time was near. I left immediately to drive there. I had called my husband but he didn't answer. He called back after I was halfway there.  It wasn't until recently I gave a thought to the fact that my dad's GF should have called me sooner. Because by the time I got there he was gone. I feel like they didn't want me there in that moment. If changes were noticed at 6am (I noticed on the board in his room) why did they wait so long to call me? Maybe I'm wrong for thinking that way.

Fast forward to Christmas. My husband once again invites one of his sons and his family to stay here for the weekend. 2 adults and 2 kids. My husband left everything that needed done to me. I was the one making breakfast for everyone. Making sure bedrooms were set up and the house was childproof. Now here we are close to Easter and he's done it again and invited one of his sons and family to stay here for a few days.  I told him this time that I am so overwhelmed right now with everything. I'm the executrix for my dad's estate. The day before my husband's son comes I need to go to probate court. I've had to have my dad's taxes filed and discovered he owes a few thousand in back taxes. Which should come out of his estate. I'm just hoping that he has enough to cover the lawyer and his taxes. He lived with his GF so at least there's no property involved. When I told my husband I'm overwhelmed, he laughed. I'm at a loss, I just looked at him.

I'm angry and depressed and feel like I'm doing all of this alone. The one person I should be able to lean on isn't there for me. I haven't been able to allow myself to grieve because there's always something that I need to handle and I have no one I can count on to help or pick up any slack. 

I'm sorry this got so long. I know there's a lot of things probably missing but I tried to keep it short. Thank you if you took the time to read this. 

 

 

 

[KayC]

I can't believe how he's acting, where is the support? You aren't just someone to use!  I wouldn't do anything to prepare, when it's bedtime, hand your husband the sheets and tell him to get the bed prepared!  When it's meal time, make him take you all out or order takeout.  Let the son know what you've been doing!

And I'm sorry for your loss,

[StillAlive]

I think you need to discuss this further with your husband, or just do not meet his expectation. If his family is coming it is his responsibility to make sure things are ready. If he fails to do that that is on him, do not do it. Stand your ground and set boundaries. If anyone is aloud to set boundaries it is those of us that are grieving. I am sorry for you loss. I too loss my father to stage 4 cancer and was his executor. It is so difficult to process and grieve when estate business is in the way. Just know it will come to a close and that it will all work out, whether good or bad. 

[AllByMyself]

Thank you both for your replies. I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to reply back. I've been trying to get my husband to see something, anything really,  from my point of view. So far all we've just argued. Company is coming this weekend for Easter whether I like it or not. It's not that I don't love his kids. They're grown into amazing young men with beautiful families. It just feels so exhausting and I'm already exhausted. 

One good note ( I guess?) I finally had a meeting with the court and am now officially the executrix. Now the rest of the work can begin with his estate. But you're right it is hard to grieve and handle the estate

[Bogocz]

I'm sorry for your loss, as far as your husband goes he seems to be being very selfish. Did he not like your dad? I agree with you that the gf should have phoned sooner. I also agree with op that if it's HIS family HE needs to entertain them or in fact just not invite them at the moment. Has he never lost anyone so perhaps doesn't understand your grief?

I'm sorry you're having to go through this