young age Lost my mom at a young age

[JayJay G]

Hi everyone, I know this is probably like any other thread but I figured I should share my story, I don't usually do things like this but this is my attempt in trying to process my mom's death. 

My mom passed away in a car accident that I was also in, I tend to blame myself for not preventing this from happening. (ex. I should have made sure she was wearing a seat belt, I should have told her to pull over when she told me she was tired, I should have kept her awake) but those are all things that I DIDN'T do. I wish I could go back and maybe try to prevent this from ever happening. Neither me or my mom were wearing seat belts, we both flew through the windshield as the car flipped. My mom however fell harder than I did, I suffered a spine fracture, a punctured liver, 4 fractured ribs, and a hip fracture. I'm not sure what my mom suffered, but whatever it was it caused her to die.

I was 14. My mom was a single mother, so I didn't have any other adult/parental figures in my life. After she died my siblings and I got separated.  I went with my father, my older sister went with hers, and my nephew went with our grandma (moms mom) . None of us wanted to be separated considering the abrupt changes.  Nothing like this could have been expected. I was in the passenger seat beside my mom and there's not amount of words to explain the guilt that I feel. I sometimes think, 'I killed her' . I know that it's not true but, it's hard to change my mindset. I have really bad SI and have pretty bad SH tendencies. Its hard for me to continue living without her. She, and my siblings, were all I had and now.. it feels as if my world has crumbled.

It's been 3 years and I am still trying to process what happened. I miss her more than ever and I don't understand why she had to leave us. 

Thanks to everyone who is reading, if you have any advice on how to not self blame, how to cope with SI or SH, anything really. Please let me know, I could really use some support and maybe even a friend. Thank you guys