A loss in the extended family

[foreverhis]

Hi all. I am not going to go into fine details because those aren’t mine to share, but last Friday we had another loss that hit close to my heart in some ways.

My beloved baby sister hit the jackpot with her parents-in-law, whereas I did not. They’ve been very close since before she and my BIL (adore him!) married.

His dad was in his 40s when he was born, just as our parents were in their 40s when Little Miss Oops came along. His dad’s health had been deteriorating for years, but the first of the year was a turning point. He had to have surgery and there were complications that led him from hospital to rehab to hospital and finally hospice. He died Friday afternoon.

Though John and I weren’t close to them, we liked my BIL’s parents just fine and appreciated the deep love they have for my sister. It’s a tremendous loss for their family and is hitting my sister hard. In part it’s because she was pretty young when our dad died and in part because our relationship with our parents was…challenging. They weren’t bad parents or people, but they weren’t particularly encouraging or nurturing either. Both had tempers, no physical violence or anything, just too much yelling and criticism. It’s one reason my sister spent as much time with John and me as she could. We didn’t yell or criticize. John was an incredibly caring, kind man who loved her very much. My BILs parents were very supportive and caring, so my sister found a closeness with them she (and I) never had with our own parents.

Anyway, these past few months, my sister has needed a sounding board and shoulder, so I have of course been there for her. The thing is that this all started with a bladder surgery and the mental state that results from being hospitalized with UTIs and in severe pain. So very close to home for me. It stirred up a lot of my own memories and emotions. My sister was all too aware of that and walked a fine line between her needs and mine.

I find myself thinking about how much my BIL’s mom is going through right now and am relieved she has a good support system close by. But I hurt more for my sister because losing John, her big brother/dear friend/confidante, was hard for her, but this is her first time truly grieving the loss of a parent.

That’s all for now. I just needed to express my own sadness here where I know I won’t be judged for feeling sorry for myself because of the pain it brings up for me, even though it really isn’t my loss.

[KayC]

Any loss that hits us is "our loss" even if not primary.  I am so sorry for you and your sister and BIL's loss.  A neigbor lost his partner a year ago St. Patrick's Day, he has no one he can talk to about it except me.  His mom clearly doesn't understand.  I told him about our group but he's never come here.  

My heart goes out to you. ❣️

[foreverhis]

Thank you, Kay.  It is hard knowing my sister and BIL are in so much pain.  The whole family too, of course, but they're the two that are close to me.  And there have been times it's been very hard to handle the reminders, images, etc. being brought to the forefront again, but I told her that I didn't want her to hold back when she needed to just vent.  I meant it too.

[widower2]

Sorry to hear this...it's curious how a loss of someone else can hit us, either directly or as a reminder of other losses. It's great that you're there (really there) for her.

[KayC]

I feel the same, it's great you are there for them even if it drudges up pain for you...

[foreverhis]

On 3/19/2024 at 8:36 PM, widower2 said:

Sorry to hear this...it's curious how a loss of someone else can hit us, either directly or as a reminder of other losses. It's great that you're there (really there) for her.

It does feel odd to me at times. I hadn’t seen his parents in person in years. His mom reached out when John died and was quite sympathetic, which I appreciated.

I actually went and bought a condolence card yesterday. It took a while to find one that felt right to me. This one basically acknowledges that there are no words to truly express my sorrow for their loss and my empathy of the pain of their deep grief, so the best I can do is let my heart speak for me. I will send it tomorrow when I go out for an appointment.

There was never a question in our minds that my sister and I would always truly be there for each other. Despite our age difference, we have a strong bond and always have. I think back to the day I came home after living in Norway as an exchange student at 17. There’s a really crappy quality picture of a little girl racing out of the house toward me, arms outstretched and grin a mile wide, before tackling exhausted me (well, my legs) in the biggest hug ever. I swooped her up and held her tight. In a way, that’s our relationship to this day.

[KayC]

That is so neat, I really miss my Sister & BIL!

[HisMunchkin]

5 hours ago, foreverhis said:

There was never a question in our minds that my sister and I would always truly be there for each other. Despite our age difference, we have a strong bond and always have. I think back to the day I came home after living in Norway as an exchange student at 17. There’s a really crappy quality picture of a little girl racing out of the house toward me, arms outstretched and grin a mile wide, before tackling exhausted me (well, my legs) in the biggest hug ever. I swooped her up and held her tight. In a way, that’s our relationship to this day.

That's so sweet!....☺️🧡  Makes my heart all warm and fuzzy just reading that.