Guilt and anger

[gypsy]

My dad passed away in February 2021, my grandmother in April 2022, and my mom in December 2023. My mom's passing has hit me really hard. She seemed to have given up on life. I had talked with her about moving in to help her with house chores and to help her in general. She had severe osteoporosis and was very clumsy. She had stumbled and fractured her feet which was taking a long time to heal. My husband really didn't want to move in and sell our home. He felt he wouldn't have his space or his things. I could understand, in a way, but I promised my dad I would take care of my mom. I am the middle child but I have taken the role of medical provider for most of my family. Around Thanksgiving mom was diagnosed with heart failure and put on the medication, Lasix. She became extremely dehydrated. I took her to the hospital and to the doctors. Eventually she passed away in December 2023 with organ failure. I keep thinking if I was at home with her I could have made sure she was eating and drinking correctly. I would have seen the signs of dehydration. I could have prevented her death. She may not have been strong enough to fight long but I could have helped her be stronger to start off. Her first great grandson was born on January 20, 2024. She never got to hold him. Am I being unreasonable, that I realized I have a bit of anger/resentment against my husband for not agreeing to moving into my mom's house earlier? I am upset at myself for not doing more but I look at him and I feel anger at him also. How do I handle all this pain and loss?

[caNdiD]

I'm sorry for this truly. Truly unsettling. When we place the burden in our shoulders it is a heavy weight to carry. But let me tell you a story.. 

My father and my mother were both drug addicts my father the dealer my mother the addict. They lost their children to the system. Eventually he got out of the game after a few bouts of prison and then later a diabetic insulin dependency snuck in. None the less his children were back in his life after his mother was able to rescue them from hell. As teens we were sperated from half of our siblings due to our mother's other marriage and abusive military husband. But we were glad to be back with our father and his side of the tree. Our other siblings stayed in the system sadly and we lost communication.  Our father became my best friend. He saved my life many times. I never wanted to leave his side. Then My dad lost his family . Again. My step mom left him with my 2 little sisters when he got really sick. She never came back. He fell into depression. One day he thought they were coming back. It broke my heart . Today's his birthday. I'm crying as I write this. My brother is 1 year older than me. He stays with me and my grandmother, he helped me take care of my dad. No one else. My dad's brother lives down the street he didn't care or come n c him. Even through my dad did everything for every1. My dad never left his room. 

I had to drop something off at work 1 day may 22 2022 it was a 20 min ride. I walked in Dad's room to give him something to drink n said dad ill be right back here drink your water. He had a camode in his room.  He must have had to use the restroom when I was gone. Cuz when I got back he was on the floor my brother and grandmother were above him yelling . I started CPR but it was to late. My dad died at 51. They carried him out on a sheet. I still remember what I was wearing . He always told me I should wear dresses . I hated dresses. I haven't worn 1 since. 

My mother after loosing all her children became homeless. Living in tents. My other siblings didn't communicate with her but my brother and I kept some contact. We were the oldest. She never left her husband till this past year so it was always hard for us. He was our abuser so we couldn't understand. I was chatting with her 1 day about how the rest of our siblings are little shits and have no respect because they weren't beaten like the eldest were. That's why they don't talk to her or us siblings. They just don't remember. The Rules and regulation. Honor and love thy family. She agreed and she had a lot of regrets, she disowned one or 2 of her children for this reason. My mother never hit any of her children. She was such a spirit always so full of color and love. So it broke my heart.  

On December 23 2023 she was crossing the street and was struck by a drunk driver while in the cross walk. Severed her leg she died before reaching the hospital. The man has still not been charged . My mother died at 52. 

The bastard she married took the cremations. We never saw her again. 

The only thing my parents left me was a hole in my heart. 

No... a legit hole called a Pfo it's a defect your born with.  Iv been having blackouts since I was 15 and super migraines and they just found out why so there Guna perform a closure. I'm 33.  All my siblings were born this way with a defect of sorts.  Not only were my parents addicts, but my grandfather had agent orange exposure. He has had cancer several times. Lucky to b alive that guy but wants nothing to do with us. 

Sometimes there's never anything you can do. And sometimes there is. I'm glad I spent all the time I could with my dad. And my sons did to. Learning. I helped my mom when I could . I wish I saw her 1 more time it had been a couple years and she only lived 40 min from me. Breaks me everyday. Missing them. 

I wish everyday I never left that day and I just checked his sugar but he probly o.d and it wasn't even my fault.... He had a bad heart too. I try everyday not be that. Blind . Distracted. Careless. Cuz we're only alone in this world when we allow it. 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for the loss of your father.   I know I can't talk you out of feeling as you do.  Feelings are just feelings though and need no actual basis to feel them.  

Most all of us go through all of the "what ifs" in early grief in an effort to find some different possible ending as the one that happened is unfathomable....only to find there really is only one outcome and that's the outcome that happened.

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well: