my dad died from a cardiac arrest and i couldn't help him

[machi]

i feel like ive written this multiple times now and i feel exhausted and sad. ive been on a few other platforms trying to find someone who could understand or any form of support. finding none. i know i may need grief support if not therapy or counselling but its very difficult to get it here. im not even sure what im doing or feeling anymore now. i'll try my best to explain again.

 

i'm 26 years old. i lost my mum 5 years ago, it was very sudden. she had been just fine before. it was unexpected to say the least. since then it had only been me and my dad. my mum used to take care of my dad and after she passed. me and my dad sort of just looked out for each other. people would think im the one taking care of my dad, since he'd been sick for a long time but rlly. it felt like he was looking after me, even until his last breath i could sense he was worried for me. 9 days ago he passed away from cardiac arrest, he had heart failure for a long time now and this was something i always feared but knew would come. it was really traumatic and it was sudden too. though ive been in pre-grieving for a while, it was still too sudden and i hadn't expected, we had just been to a hospital appointment the day before, ate out and i'd like to think i made him smile lots on his last day.

 

then the next morning it happened. i heard him shouting my name. he was calling out for my name, for me to call the ambulance, and how much it hurt, then it just turned to my name. he said my name over and over and that was the last thing i heard from afar. he was in pain. i was running around panicking trying to call for help, call didn't go through the first couple times for emergency help, tried to call my sister who lives the nearest didn't pick up. while running to get his pill to put under his tongue. it was a mess the pill was expired too because he never needed it before but it was all we had. i gave him he took it i saw him try. all the while going through immense pain. he kept calling out for my name i saw him reach for my hand, our fingers brushed. i ran outside knocked all neighbours doors trying to call for anyone someone please help my dad. i ran into the middle of the streets stopped some cars, asked someone to call for help. when i went inside again he was already blue, i remember having a thought crossed my mind "this is it" he wasn't calling for me anymore. but he was probably still there, taking his last breath. and i still was a panicked mess still trying to go outside asking for someone to please call for help. went back inside and tried to give him cpr (didnt do enough as i hoped part of me regrets this, i used to regret it so much at first but now im conflicted with the fact that if i had brought him back it would've been more pain for him.) wiped his mouth, tried to push him to his side so he didnt choke. no one went inside with me so i still asked for people to help. 

 

he's gone and im haunted by the thought that I wasn't there with him when he took his final breath. when he was in immense pain before he no longer had to feel any kind of pain.

 

most of the times I feel numb, i always felt like I wouldn't live through this if it were to happen, i knew it would sooner or later. I felt like it would just destroy me. me and my dad were inseparable. we've been through so much together. life has not been very easy on us. even back then with my mum around. we've been through thick and thin together. then when it was just me and my dad left, we became so much closer. throughout everything and despite it all, we had each other. my siblings were horrible to us. and i want to be angry at them so much, angry for my parents because they were the best most selfless parents i could ever ask for, they always put their children first, i saw how they gave my siblings everything and worked so hard for them until old age. and i have been so hurt and angry for so many years seeing how they treated us and left us. we struggled so much but found happiness in each other. it was always just us three, now I'm all alone. when my dad died, i was surprised the grief didn't kill me.

 

ive had plenty of emotions and thoughts, mostly blanketed by a fog of numbness that makes me unable to really cry or feel much. sometimes i catch myself letting out dry sobs or my breath would stutter. but i just feel this numbness and a muffled pain deep inside me that will not go away. i sometimes go from anxiety and regret/guilt of not being able to help him. i felt like i tried so many things and failed all of it. sometimes i felt like he needed a son because im just a small girl and there were some things i could not do. but i know my dad would've never wanted me to think that. he always made sure to let me know how grateful he was to have me around, and his love was something i was blessed enough to feel so immensely. then i go to just feeling crushed at the thought that after all that i couldn't save him. it was so fast it went by in a blur. maybe there was something i could've done, maybe he could've been helped. or maybe not and maybe that was when he was supposed to go. the way he was supposed to. I didn't feel this at first but part of me also thinks that that may have been for the best too. he'd been sick for a long time, he was so tired and i wouldn't want to prolong his pain. i miss him so much though. i dont know.. but God my biggest regret was not staying by his side, i saw him reached for my hand, he called my name over and over and i heard it from afar until it stopped. the only comfort i know is that i asked my niece to go into the room and my niece was standing in that room with him and id like to believe til his very last breath. but no one was holding him or telling him it was okay. he loved me and my niece dearly. but it was always only just me and my dad all the time. together. i was with him all the time but not during his final moments. if i had known there was no way for me to save him and it would be that quick, i wouldve just stayed there with him. held his hand, like i did all those years through every hardships and medical procedures. tell him i was right there. he was okay, he didnt have to worry about me. because he was always worried that if he died i would be all alone. i wanted to let him know i was right there with him and im okay. but I wasn't there i couldn't hold him when he took his last breath. God only knows how this feels. i hope he went knowing he was loved, i was there and it was all okay, and he doesn't have to hurt anymore. i hope i get to meet him again soon. both of them. im alone now. am grieving alone, i have no one else. the two people who understood me, accepted me and have been through thick and thin with are now gone. i hope to find someone who understands because this grief and pain feel too big for me right now.

[KayC]

My husband had just turned 51 when he died, heart attack with diabetic complications.  That was nearly 19 years ago on Father's Day.  I have an idea how you feel.  We were everything to each other.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[lilstarsmum]

I’m so sorry to hear about your losses, machi. Your post brought tears to my eyes, and I wish I could give you a hug. I can totally relate to what you’re going through, friend. Losing a special person can be traumatic. I’ve been in that place where I fought with different thoughts in my mind. I lost my dad 7yrs ago, and it was sudden. I still miss him, and have wrestled to believe that he’s no more. It’s not easy to go through grief. Sometimes we may experience a sense of numbness and may not want to express what’s inside. We deal with loss in our own unique way. The journey can be complex, and wounded hearts take time to heal. From what you’ve shared, I can tell that your dad loved you and he knew that you loved him. Please take good care of yourself and stay strong. I’d suggest that you see a grief therapist/counselor. You might want to check out the book: When You Lose Someone You Love by Richard Exley. Don’t hesitate to come here to share/vent whenever to want. Remember that you’re not alone in this journey. You’re loved! Sending hugs & prayers your way.