Change or stay the course?

[DWS]

I thought I'd bring up the topic of confronting questions of making changes...whether they be major ones or minor. I don't know if I should just blame it on spring but I'm currently dealing with feelings of agitation and maybe even restlessness. I've never been good with change and losing my partner Tom has been the most enormous one to ever deal with so it has stood to good reason why I've wanted everything to stay just as it was. 

But right now, I'm looking at my place, going from room to room and noticing things that need to be changed, updated or replaced. I'm looking out into my backyard and seeing a couple of the projects that Tom and I were working on that came to a complete stop. I'm now wondering if I have it in me to continue with them despite how much it will hurt. I have made some changes in the house...painted the kitchen cabinets that we were in the midst of planning. I adopted my cat Daniel and now look at a cat tower in the corner.....but I feel this current agitation is pushing me further and it's kind of overwhelming.

I've noticed there are common traits for many of us here. Lots of us are homebodies. Many of us are introverts and not very gregarious. No doubt, many of us are not great with change too. I will often feel great angst for those here who have had to make major changes after the deaths of their partners and spouses. I've been fortunate that I haven't had to do anything so severe. 

But make changes or simply ride it out (again) and stay the course. Are you tackling these questions? Have you made big changes...or thinking of them?

[shawnt]

Yes,yes,yes.

I get a sqishy feeling when I am uncertain and then I delay. Others I judge on whether it will be a step up or back. It's the sentimental things that feel like she is being erased, getting rid of her mini-van, clearing her drawers, replanting her garden that sting the most. But stuff like retirement and finishing our cabin leave me baffled because I am becoming someone new and I don't know that guy very well yet . I have found that there are some things I absolutely loved to do with her that I actually don't like to do alone or with anyone else for that matter. I know it's not rational but when I experience that I feel like I am betraying her or her memory.

[LMR]

36 minutes ago, DWS said:

I thought I'd bring up the topic of confronting questions of making changes...whether they be major ones or minor. I don't know if I should just blame it on spring but I'm currently dealing with feelings of agitation and maybe even restlessness. I've never been good with change and losing my partner Tom has been the most enormous one to ever deal with so it has stood to good reason why I've wanted everything to stay just as it was. 

But right now, I'm looking at my place, going from room to room and noticing things that need to be changed, updated or replaced. I'm looking out into my backyard and seeing a couple of the projects that Tom and I were working on that came to a complete stop. I'm now wondering if I have it in me to continue with them despite how much it will hurt. I have made some changes in the house...painted the kitchen cabinets that we were in the midst of planning. I adopted my cat Daniel and now look at a cat tower in the corner.....but I feel this current agitation is pushing me further and it's kind of overwhelming.

I've noticed there are common traits for many of us here. Lots of us are homebodies. Many of us are introverts and not very gregarious. No doubt, many of us are not great with change too. I will often feel great angst for those here who have had to make major changes after the deaths of their partners and spouses. I've been fortunate that I haven't had to do anything so severe. 

But make changes or simply ride it out (again) and stay the course. Are you tackling these questions? Have you made big changes...or thinking of them?

I don't think my experience is typical - if such a thing exists at all, so it may not help you at all. I moved a year after my husband died because my sister in England had been diagnosed with cancer. I didn't really think about it, it was all instinctive, I just knew I had to be there for her. It's not that it's been a bad move but after two years I still feel unsettled. I long for my old home, the familiarity of everyday surroundings. My grief journey is not going well. I'm not exactly in denial but I have this overwhelming lack of understanding of what death is. Nobody knows of course but I have this really strong feeling that I have missed something important. It's like trying to do algebra when you've missed the lesson on multiplication. There is a big glaring gap. I wonder to myself if I wouldn't be feeling this way if I had stayed in my home. I realise that I did so much without fully being aware, even two years afterwards.  All I can say is it is easier to make a change than to undo it afterwards so think very carefully.

 

[DWS]

35 minutes ago, shawnt said:

It's the sentimental things that feel like she is being erased, getting rid of her mini-van, clearing her drawers, replanting her garden that sting the most. But stuff like retirement and finishing our cabin leave me baffled because I am becoming someone new and I don't know that guy very well yet . I have found that there are some things I absolutely loved to do with her that I actually don't like to do alone or with anyone else for that matter. I know it's not rational but when I experience that I feel like I am betraying her or her memory.

The fear of erasing them from memory is a biggie with me. The passage of time keeps trying. I still haven't been able to get back out for long walks yet. That's one of the changes that I'm going to try to make now that better weather is back but without him by my side, I know it's not going to be easy for me. I keep trying to look for paths where we never walked.

[DWS]

39 minutes ago, LMR said:

I long for my old home, the familiarity of everyday surroundings. My grief journey is not going well. I'm not exactly in denial but I have this overwhelming lack of understanding of what death is. Nobody knows of course but I have this really strong feeling that I have missed something important. 

It's so unfortunate that all of this happened all at once for you. You likely weren't able to get enough time getting acquainted and accustomed to your husband's absence in your everyday world. Your lack of understanding likely comes from having everything taken away so death feels like a total obliteration of everything familiar. For those of us who didn't have such great change, we have had to learn to cope and adapt with the silence and the ghosts of our pasts in our familiar surroundings and I suppose that really does help us gain acceptance eventually. 

[widower2]

I don't think (generally speaking) people should make any big changes (moving, dating, etc) for at least a year if not more to allow themselves time to "regroup" as much as possible. Obviously a situation like LMR's is different and it can vary for anyone though. I want to move (this is not a house we were in so that isn't a factor), but have been very reluctant to, and couldn't figure out why...but then I realized no small part of it is not accepting that "moving on" aspect, not just meaning losing her, but accepting that my life has not "paused" because I lost her...time moves on just as quickly whether I live here or elsewhere, but some goofy part of my brain can't accept that. It takes comfort in thinking my future life elsewhere will be better, so it's OK if this one more or less sucks. doh.

[LMR]

2 minutes ago, DWS said:

You likely weren't able to get enough time getting acquainted and accustomed to your husband's absence in your everyday world. Your lack of understanding likely comes from having everything taken away so death feels like a total obliteration of everything familiar. 

I hadn't really thought of it in those terms but you are right. Sometimes it feels like my whole life never existed.

[Boggled]

such a good question, DWS, 

that phrase "stay the course" is where I'm at ... and the phrase itself is a bit laudatory, eh?  rather than "stay stuck in the mud,"  🙂 for instance.

I agree with LMR too:  

36 minutes ago, LMR said:

All I can say is it is easier to make a change than to undo it afterwards so think very carefully.

well MAYBE it's a matter of "time" but I'm still and may for at least a long time, or maybe all the rest of my life, just not change things as much as possible.

It came up with the coffee pot again, in my head.  A 12-cup coffee pot for one person for one day ... wouldn't it be better to have a smaller coffee pot with a smaller block of coffee grounds in a narrower diameter, (or maybe a cone shape) that the water would go through more effectively ... but I'm NOT doing it ... yet.  Will this coffee pot last forever?  or maybe the next 20 years?  Dunno!   

[DWS]

13 minutes ago, Boggled said:

that phrase "stay the course" is where I'm at ... and the phrase itself is a bit laudatory, eh?  rather than "stay stuck in the mud,"  🙂 for instance.

Okay....that got me crying. All along, I've been thinking I've been stuck but the "course" was changed and that's why I'm lost. Staying the course is putting trust in the path ahead. Making some crazy change because of this agitation would put a screw in that (and maybe not a pleasant one). 

[Boggled]

I got this from the library:  Microshelters: 59 Creative Cabins, Tiny Houses, Tree Houses, and Other Small Structures: Diedricksen, Derek: 9781612123530: Amazon.com: Books

and something in me is really enjoying just going through the pages, looking at all the different kinds of mini shelters.  We have a semi-finished half-a-shed that WE were going to make into a red-light spa using infrared bulbs ... we had a nice carpenter who bought a bunch of cedar fence boards to line it with ... well, never happened.  But I sort of dream a little.

Could it be this part of me enjoying the book and doing the dreaming, is a part that's getting ready to "break loose," "start a new life," change?   change myself?  shift over to another aspect of "me?"  all I can say, (that's a great phrase, "all I can say," isn't it?  because it's tentatively making a small statement while tacitly admitting I don't know ANYTHING) is, I'm enjoying the book.  

[Boggled]

10 minutes ago, DWS said:

Okay....that got me crying. All along, I've been thinking I've been stuck but the "course" was changed and that's why I'm lost. Staying the course is putting trust in the path ahead. Making some crazy change because of this agitation would put a screw in that (and maybe not a pleasant one). 

so what you're saying is it's good to stay the course?  and because you're agitated(?) you might make a mistake?  by going off-course?  or 

the course was changed ... and that's why you're lost ... 

but if the course was changed, HOW could we "stay the course" when the course itself has changed?  

I was reading "stay the course" as "hold on to the memories and just keep on keeping on as much as possible the same way/life we were doing before our loved one died.  

Though WITH huge sorrow, WITHOUT their comfort and support and PRESENCE ... 

One thing I've been doing IN MY HEAD lately is just remembering HIM and remembering HOW I FELT "before."

 

[HisMunchkin]

My husband's passing was a profound change for me.  It caused not just ripples, but more like a tsunami of rearrangements (/disorder) to my subjective world.  So whatever I don't have to change for the time being, I won't change.  Too much change in a short period of time can be really stressful, especially if it involves letting go of something that had sentimental value.  

My husband was also my constant.  The "outside" world could turn upside down but "our" world was stable, if that makes any sense.  Good changes were enjoyable when he was here.  We worked on our garden together and did the "landscaping" ourselves.  Granted, we were extreme novices so the end result wasn't exactly great, but the process was enjoyable.  Now, just about every shrub and perennial in our yard reminds me of our time planting them.  Kind of bitter-sweet.  Then there are bad changes, like the pandemic, which was made much more bearable and much less scary with him by my side.  Looking back, if he wasn't with me during those years, I would've been driven mad.  Instead, I felt safe and secure.  So, given that he's gone now, changes are much less pleasant for me, at least at this point in time.

 

1 hour ago, shawnt said:

I have found that there are some things I absolutely loved to do with her that I actually don't like to do alone or with anyone else for that matter.

I have those too.

 

1 hour ago, LMR said:

I'm not exactly in denial but I have this overwhelming lack of understanding of what death is. Nobody knows of course but I have this really strong feeling that I have missed something important. It's like trying to do algebra when you've missed the lesson on multiplication. There is a big glaring gap.

I'm not sure if your experience of "overwhelming lack of understanding of what death is" is the same as mine, but I often find myself wondering, "Where did he go?  Why isn't he here anymore?" often accompanied by a sense of agitation as if stuck on finding the solution to a puzzle.  Does that sound like something you experience?  

 

  

[LMR]

13 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

 

I'm not sure if your experience of "overwhelming lack of understanding of what death is" is the same as mine, but I often find myself wondering, "Where did he go?  Why isn't he here anymore?" often accompanied by a sense of agitation as if stuck on finding the solution to a puzzle.  Does that sound like something you experience?  

 

  

I do wonder just that. It seems impossible for him to no longer exist. That feeling of agitation and even panic is what I feel too. I'm always searching for the solution.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

I don't think (generally speaking) people should make any big changes (moving, dating, etc) for at least a year if not more

Or five, just  my experience...for what it's worth.  If you must financially, you must.

[LMR]

Also, the things I brought with me, the sentimental things, have less power in these unrelated surroundings, either for pain or comfort.

[DWS]

1 hour ago, Boggled said:

so what you're saying is it's good to stay the course?  and because you're agitated(?) you might make a mistake?  by going off-course?  or 

the course was changed ... and that's why you're lost ... 

but if the course was changed, HOW could we "stay the course" when the course itself has changed?  

I was reading "stay the course" as "hold on to the memories and just keep on keeping on as much as possible the same way/life we were doing before our loved one died.  

Sorry....I'm thinking of the course as the journey of my life. Tom's death changed the course...or the direction of it. "Staying the course" puts me on a trajectory unknown (even though in actuality, the path I was on before he passed away was unknown as well...familiar and comfortable as it was). I guess what I'm saying is that I'll keep with it and trust it rather than try to find my way back to where I was. This definitely makes sense of my disinterest in socializing and reconnecting with a circle of friends. And that could change down the road as well but it's the forcing of myself to get back to where I was that keeps causing distress and aggravation. 

[DWS]

48 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

I'm not sure if your experience of "overwhelming lack of understanding of what death is" is the same as mine, but I often find myself wondering, "Where did he go?  Why isn't he here anymore?" often accompanied by a sense of agitation as if stuck on finding the solution to a puzzle.  Does that sound like something you experience?   

I went through strong moments like that for months and months...confused and asking "why were you taken from me?" It's not quite like that now for me but there still are moments where my memory of him brings him so close that I again stare at his chair...picturing him there in such a clear view...and wonder those questions. 

[HisMunchkin]

7 hours ago, LMR said:

I do wonder just that. It seems impossible for him to no longer exist. That feeling of agitation and even panic is what I feel too. I'm always searching for the solution.

Same.  You are not alone! 💝 

[Roxeanne]

16 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Where did he go?  Why isn't he here anymore?"

Those are questions without answers...it's weird he is not here anymore! It's still surreal for me...

but now i am more aware of the cycle of the entire universe...even the stars die! Everything live and die...

I'm trying to learn the cruel lesson of losing him!

16 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Good changes were enjoyable when he was here. 

Good changes are so good!!

When i met him all changed in my life, happily i went along with it!

I'm not good at bad changes...

I resist, i suffer and then i adapt

As we say in Italy: non capisco ma mi adeguo!

I don't understand but i adapt...

it's all i can do in front of his obstinate absence!

 

[Bob1948]

" It's the sentimental things that feel like she is being erased, getting rid of her mini-van, clearing her drawers, replanting her garden that sting the most."

That was exactly how I felt the other day. It has only been2.5 months but I retired from the military and there are things that must be done in a short period of time. Updating her status to deceased, changing beneficiaries etc. I was reluctant to do this because at the end of the day I was emotional basket case. I described it as her slowly disappearing.  As for her personal things I am not ready to take that step, it would be like losing her all over again.  I struggle with the question, "who am I" after 54 years of marriage it has always been Jill and Bob. 

[KayC]

I never knew your names...Jill and Bob, I like that. ☺️

[Boggled]

11 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

As we say in Italy: non capisco ma mi adeguo!

I don't understand but i adapt...

there are so many thoughts, great thoughts, on this thread!  I am so messed up ... I tell myself sometimes, then I counter it with ... no I'm not. 

At least, getting on this site, I/we can know that other people are going through similar, so not alone in this, not just me, not unusual, not completely, other people feel like this too.  

11 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

but now i am more aware of the cycle of the entire universe...even the stars die! Everything live and die...

I look around here at the grass coming up, the flowers, the trees budding out, the lily starting to shoot up from the wreckage of its old dead leaves, yes it cycles, yes it's natural.  

I hope that I can adapt, the bouts of grief still hit, but not as often, but when they do hit, they're strong.  Maybe "the course" of our lives is just this natural cycle?  ... I now have four cats!  They WERE non-existent just about a year ago, only inside their mama who showed up and was welcomed by me in dead of winter, 2022;   NOW they're young cats, rambunctious and something "new" for me!  to learn to "adapt" to, and I get ANNOYED!  they pooped in the bathtub!  and in the other bathtub too!  arrrggghhhhh!  but it's good to have something to be annoyed at, it brings me into NOW.    NOW.  With "just me"to deal with cat poo!  hurrah!  yay!  I CAN deal with that.     So I can make a smiley face.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

16 hours ago, Bob1948 said:

I retired from the military and there are things that must be done in a short period of time. Updating her status to deceased

I know what you went through.  Copy of the death cert to the ID office on base, eliminates our spouse from DEERS, feels like erasing her from existence.  I kept her dependent ID card and still carry it in my wallet.  

[KayC]

I still carry my husband's driver's license...just let anyone try and take it away!  I don't care if it's legal to carry it or not, he was MY HUSBAND!!

[DWS]

17 hours ago, Boggled said:

I look around here at the grass coming up, the flowers, the trees budding out, the lily starting to shoot up from the wreckage of its old dead leaves, yes it cycles, yes it's natural.  

That's something that has always fascinated me with gardening and I'm so thankful to my friend Marina who introduced me to perennials years ago when I met her. I'd been living in my house for two years at that point and would buy a few annuals for the place. Those were the plants that I knew. You plant them in the spring, they look nice in the summer, then die in late fall. The next year, you go out and buy new ones.

But perennials are so different. You plant them and they rise from the ground, do their thing in producing leaves and flowers, then die off before the cold winter months. Their roots withstand the brutal temperatures and at first, you wonder how will it cope....but in spring, new life emerges. It's a cycle that just happens...usually without fail. So they keep with their course despite what happened to them in winter. They count on warmth and the sun shining again to bring them to life...renewed life. 

(Sigh)

[KayC]

My primroses made it through the winter and bloomed during the snows, I need to buy some begonias and pansies and irises and plant them.

[shawnt]

Some things we will never know. Some people pretend they know and that's ok because the alternative is more fear than they can take.

I get the uncanny feeling she is beside me , often when I drive I think I feel her presence . Most likely wishful thinking or perhaps a mini stroke. Either way I like that feeling, it makes me cry every time but somehow it gives me a bit of comfort. I miss my wife.

[Boggled]

On 3/15/2024 at 9:45 AM, widower2 said:

I don't think (generally speaking) people should make any big changes (moving, dating, etc) for at least a year if not more to allow themselves time to "regroup" as much as possible.

On 3/15/2024 at 11:03 AM, KayC said:

Or five, just  my experience...for what it's worth.  If you must financially, you must.

I agree, trying to "stay the course" insofar as my life with my husband, it IS the course of my life, but as I'm interpreting it, the course did change BECAUSE my husband died, but ("but" again) the course of my life, as with my will it intertwined into the life of my husband, was changed by my husband but (again) my husband's life was changed by being with me!   And after 20 years of intertwining, I AM a different person but it has been by my own choice.  Now my husband is not present every day, every minute, as he used to be, and I MISS HIM, miss his presence, just typing that has me crying!  But the rest of the world is still here, and I'm still alive in it.  Many "things" all over "our!" house remind me of him which is only right.  But in my head, I'm trying to remember AROUND his death, back to the years of time we had together, the happy mundane everyday times I think we both imagined would never end.  Yes it's a shock that they did end!  But!  He is here in my memory and so many reminders everywhere in "our" place, and "staying the course" seems to me (at this particular moment) entirely feasible.  

My MIL, in our nightly talks, is trying to gently push me into my own idea of going to our local Senior Center and using their exercise equipment.    and day after day, I don't do it!   Those nightly talks, two old-ish ladies talking about their uneventful days, were in the beginning a huge benefit to me;  now at least there is "a human being" to talk to, every night.   Will I ever be in her position, calling one of my daughters-in-law after a son's death?  Don't even want to think about it!  I was so mad at her last night though, because she wanted to talk about the day my husband died, and I had told her "I don't want to think about that, I'm trying to remember all the rest of the time!"  But she asked me another question, and I answered, brought up the PAIN again ... and after we got off the phone, I WAS SO MAD!   do I understand myself?  hahaha NO.

[KayC]

If only people "trying to help" would not give them friendly advice about how to do this!  We all find our own way in our own time but their pushing us into something is not helpful. 🥺

[DWS]

My partner Tom showed up in my dream last night. The details are kinda fuzzy but I was involved in some sort of long walk...like a walk-a-thon type thing. There was a friend with me at one point but he disappeared and then Tom appeared beside me! In front of us was a small building with an outdoor drinking fountain. Tom took a drink. I had an empty water bottle, filled it at the fountain, and said we'll share it along the way. We began walking and I said to him "there is so much that I need to tell you"....and then unfortunately I think I woke up because that's all I can recall. But all day I've had this great feeling that we were with each other again. It reminded me of how at peace I was when I was with him. It's also a reminder to me that he'll always be with me as I plod forward in whatever direction I end up going.

[KayC]

Oh how I wish I could dream of George, but alas I don't.  Still, I feel he's with me, I can't explain, maybe wishful thinking, IDK.

[Boggled]

20 hours ago, DWS said:

But all day I've had this great feeling that we were with each other again. It reminded me of how at peace I was when I was with him. It's also a reminder to me that he'll always be with me as I plod forward in whatever direction I end up going.

that is beautiful, DWS.  

Yesterday, I was just glorying in the beauty of Spring, outside.  I got the goog speaker to play some music, and at the end after a number of contemporary pieces, I asked for "Jesu Joy of my Desiring," an old piece by Bach. 

I just stood and LOOKED at the budding trees, flowers, the garden I'd dug recently.

and it was beautiful.  btw this is NOT intended to be "spiritual," it's WHAT HAPPENED, pure and simple.  But it, and the Spring, ARE beautiful, in my opinion.  Sometimes things are so very BEAUTIFUL, they make me cry!   

[DWS]

The monotony of grief is what I'm feeling right now which is something that can prompt change. Heavy-heartedness, anxiety, angst, restlessness...just a ton of grief stuff. Thank goodness the sun is shining this morning. 

[Boggled]

On 3/19/2024 at 10:56 PM, DWS said:

It reminded me of how at peace I was when I was with him. It's also a reminder to me that he'll always be with me as I plod forward in whatever direction I end up going.

This, the memories of feeling complete, at peace, supported, being part of a whole, and LOVED, this will always be with me, too, no matter if I plod or run down the wrong path, memories will be there until I die, and throughout this remaining life I am in now.   Maybe after I die, too.  Every day, at some point in time, I say "I MISS YOU!" ... to the air around me, because I still miss HIM and it's EMOTIONAL (do we understand emotions?  Emotions and "understanding" don't quite mix!  and emotions are deeper than "understanding," I THINK).

[HisMunchkin]

43 minutes ago, Boggled said:

the memories of feeling complete, at peace, supported, being part of a whole, and LOVED, this will always be with me

It's interesting you say that, and I wonder, when you say "memories of feeling...", do you actually recapture those feelings or do you remember in a third person's point of view?  For me, the memories are more of the latter.  I find that I am forgetting what it used to feel like, subjectively speaking.  Or am unable to recapture those feelings, even when I imagine those times with him.

[Boggled]

46 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

do you actually recapture those feelings or do you remember in a third person's point of view?

I guess I'd say I recapture those feelings.  

In my head, I am always "I," never "she."  To me, the idea of remembering in a third person's point of view is quite odd.  

But it does often involve pain, the remembering.  It seems time is involved in this, too;  as time has passed, the pain (and I suspect it's related to "trauma," still hits sharply but I'm so very used to, accustomed to, it now, I just go through it, get over it, and it (the pain part) is shorter.  There is a whole fund of memories and there is also a "basic feeling" I can go back to in my head, and maybe I'd say, I've carried it, at least part of it, somehow into "now?"  

I did a little meditating back months ago, the kind where you just clear your mind and push aside thoughts.  Then I didn't want to meditate anymore ... there's an audio thing called "binaural beats" that's supposed to help, btw, but you need headphones or some way to play two speakers.  That doctor, Eben Alexander, who came back healed, started promoting them.  Internet as usual goes on with good or bad?  um!!!???    ah, hunh, the internet.  

 

[HisMunchkin]

3 hours ago, Boggled said:

In my head, I am always "I," never "she."  To me, the idea of remembering in a third person's point of view is quite odd.  

LOL, sorry, my mistake.  I didn't explain well enough.  I don't mean like seeing myself from a third person point of view, but more like I remember the times together in my own body, but I can't seem to recapture that feeling of security and wholeness.  I guess emotionally, it felt like I was remembering things from a third person's point of view.....  Or maybe I shouldn't have used that analogy at all cause now it doesn't make sense to me either. 😛

Anyway, I find it very hard to get that feeling of having him around back, even from memories, or trying to imagine him still being here.  There's always something missing.  Can't really explain it.

 

I just looked up "binaural beats".  Interesting. 

[DWS]

20 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

 I find that I am forgetting what it used to feel like, subjectively speaking.  Or am unable to recapture those feelings, even when I imagine those times with him.

Because your loss only happened three months or so ago, you might just be at a stage where the rawness is dissipating. That rawness of my partner's passing kept him so embedded in my thoughts back then that all I seemed to have were those feelings which made his absence so much harder to understand. Then as time passed, that all started to alleviate. I remember back then that someone here had started a topic about his concerns that he was starting to forget...that during his day-to-day, he was starting to get used to his wife's absence and that there were times in the day when his thoughts went elsewhere other than on her. This very much resonated with me and it's something that is alarming because the last thing I wanted in all of this was to forget him and also not feel the warmth of his love and companionship!!

But that's not the case at all now. Those memories are still intact. I find there are times where I will stand at the kitchen counter, stare out the window or my coffee cup, and focus on a moment with him. I don't move. I don't want anything distracting me or invading those moments of thought. I just focus and picture the scene. I need to recapture those moments to bring back feelings of the true sweetness of life with him. 

[HisMunchkin]

7 hours ago, DWS said:

Because your loss only happened three months or so ago, you might just be at a stage where the rawness is dissipating. That rawness of my partner's passing kept him so embedded in my thoughts back then that all I seemed to have were those feelings which made his absence so much harder to understand. Then as time passed, that all started to alleviate.

I think you're right.  The memories of him being ill for the past year and a half is quite prominent in my mind too.  The anxiety, the worry, the sadness, etc.  And now the grieving.  I think those feelings are much more dominant at this point in association with the thought of him.  Last night, I thought back to childhood when I had much less concerns and hadn't experienced death of a loved one yet (.... well, except for a pet hamster).  I'd spend time with my cousins, and we'd take road trips with our parents.  I could remember how carefree that felt.  Those good feelings, I was able to recapture, but not the good feelings I had with my husband.  Maybe with time, I'll be able to do that too.

 

7 hours ago, DWS said:

But that's not the case at all now. Those memories are still intact. I find there are times where I will stand at the kitchen counter, stare out the window or my coffee cup, and focus on a moment with him. I don't move. I don't want anything distracting me or invading those moments of thought. I just focus and picture the scene. I need to recapture those moments to bring back feelings of the true sweetness of life with him. 

That sounds lovely.  I hope to be able to do that as well some day. ☺️

[Boggled]

On 3/29/2024 at 3:19 PM, HisMunchkin said:

I don't mean like seeing myself from a third person point of view, but more like I remember the times together in my own body, but I can't seem to recapture that feeling of security and wholeness.  I guess emotionally, it felt like I was remembering things from a third person's point of view.....  Or maybe I shouldn't have used that analogy at all cause now it doesn't make sense to me either. 😛

Anyway, I find it very hard to get that feeling of having him around back, even from memories, or trying to imagine him still being here.  There's always something missing.  Can't really explain it.

 

Trauma.  It's a brain thing.  Well we do have the internet, I just searched ... trauma from death of loved ... got a bunch of answers ... what's so amazing to me is THE INTERNET ... being able to read all sorts of different ideas from "experts" and ... ya know, lay persons, like me.  Okay, so here's one I just read:

The Traumatic Loss of a Loved One Is Like Experiencing a Brain Injury | Discover Magazine

... but we can all search for ourselves, which ... is it TRUE that "there is nothing new under the sun?"  ... or is THE INTERNET a new thing?  (I think ... it is!)

like DWS said, you are only a few months "in."  How you do it ... carry on ... is your (well, unique, yeah) choice and YOUR brain's thing.

On 3/20/2024 at 6:14 AM, KayC said:

Oh how I wish I could dream of George, but alas I don't.  Still, I feel he's with me, I can't explain, maybe wishful thinking, IDK.

[Boggled]

okay, just hit "clear editor" as I couldn't keep on writing on the post I was writing on ... anyhoo.

Where am I right now?  I THINK I've wrapped my old life back around me and sort of hypnotized??? myself into feeling "okay."  Like, "I feel he's with me," similarly to KayC, and/or it's ME, not hypnotized, but really believing! He, and the shape of our lives together, still carry on, in me ... and also in this place we lived in together. 

and nothing's SET IN STONE.  And it still HURTS.  But it was way worse in the beginning ... for me.  A lot of crying!  I think I dissolved my eyelashes!  with crying!    And I don't have answers ... one thing I thought, reading months ago when the "5 steps" was more at the top on the internet, was "there ARE no answers!"   book after book, site after site, but where do they tell you HOW TO CARRY ON?  That was the biggest question I had, and just like "how to live?" ... there are plenty of answers, but you have to choose and just do it, whatever.  You do carry on.   The alternative is NOT to carry on.   uh.

'nuff said!  for now!

[DWS]

On 3/31/2024 at 9:22 AM, Boggled said:

And I don't have answers ... one thing I thought, reading months ago when the "5 steps" was more at the top on the internet, was "there ARE no answers!"   book after book, site after site, but where do they tell you HOW TO CARRY ON?  That was the biggest question I had, and just like "how to live?" ... there are plenty of answers, but you have to choose and just do it, whatever.  You do carry on.   The alternative is NOT to carry on.   uh.

I'm sorta thankful at the start of all of this that I didn't put any ardent interest in what the 5-step model was all about. Back then, I was glad to read how it was all misinterpreted and wasn't intended for loss and grief but thinking of it now, it does make you wonder...maybe even wish...that there were some standard procedure guidelines to follow to make your way out of the grief maze! Like a map or set of instructions that say start here, do this, now do this, follow along until you get to this point....just something that tells us that eventually there is an ending place out of this emotional pain!! Can we use others who have been here as our guides? Are they the map??? They give us hope for sure...and some guidelines...but as mentioned, our "tools" are unique. 

I watched an interesting video a couple nights ago...an interview with Hope Edelman who wrote a book called "The Aftergrief: Finding Your Way Along the Arc of Loss". I'm not sure if I'm interested in reading another book on the subject of grief but I did like her idea of needing a name for the period after the real and raw heaviness of our loss has dissipated. To say that I'm still in grief suggests that at some point I will be out of it...but how will I know?? Am I out of it now????!! (out of grief, I mean...not out of my mind). Maybe "aftergrief" is more fitting for where I am currently. Edelman's goal in coming up with a name was to have something more tangible to describe how we carry grief while going forward. Continuing bonds and creating new traditions that honour our person as we continue on over the years could be described as aftergrief. It's a good way of saying this horrible, awful nightmare happened and yes, it still hurts but not like it did and I will never ever forget because it's now a part of who I am.

[Boggled]

 

41 minutes ago, DWS said:

it does make you wonder...maybe even wish...that there were some standard procedure guidelines to follow to make your way out of the grief maze! Like a map or set of instructions that say start here, do this, now do this, follow along until you get to this point....just something that tells us that eventually there is an ending place out of this emotional pain!! Can we use others who have been here as our guides? Are they the map??? They give us hope for sure...and some guidelines...but as mentioned, our "tools" are unique. 

Seems like everything media is questionable lately to me!   

... yeah, to go back to the days of Scarlett O'Hara, the black dress, the determined time of mourning, the black armband, the six pallbearers, the cemeteries, the angel sculptures, standard procedure!  or the screaming villager-mourners, or "the drunken wake,"   and we IMAGINE how it was all "okay" after that ... well from what we read on here, it WASN'T, not REALLY.  And look at that woman, she's OLD, so ... not the same as ME, I'm YOUNG, hahahahahaha!   (sigh)  

Just read part of the book on Amazon, "read sample."  She's a goood writer.  I wonder too if giving the time AFTER the initial shock A NAME, would stick, or do any good.  and man, do I get what you're saying, 

41 minutes ago, DWS said:

I'm not sure if I'm interested in reading another book on the subject of grief

but I do keep reading, but I've got about 4 feet of books sitting in stacks on my/our dresser now, plus the ones taking up shelf space ... well one more would just add about another 3/4 inch.

[DWS]

5 hours ago, Boggled said:

but I do keep reading, but I've got about 4 feet of books sitting in stacks on my/our dresser now, plus the ones taking up shelf space ... well one more would just add about another 3/4 inch.

This sounds like where I was in my mid-30s when I hit an early mid-life wall and fell into a very dark place. I bought so many self-help books looking for answers and looking for anything to bring me comfort. Surprisingly, one of those books was Melody Beattie's "The Language of Letting Go" which I didn't know at the time was more geared around recovery over alcoholism and substance abuse. It was a book on "recovery" and that sent me a signal to read this book. It's a book of 365 passages of wisdom and self-love reminders...and it really helped.

[HisMunchkin]

4 hours ago, DWS said:

o say that I'm still in grief suggests that at some point I will be out of it...but how will I know?? Am I out of it now????!! (out of grief, I mean...not out of my mind).

In the book, "The Grieving Brain", they make a distinction between grief and grieving.  See this interview, for instance: https://www.eliseloehnen.com/episodes/mary-frances-oconnor-phd-the-map-of-loss  

The distinction is really that grief is this wave of feeling and thought that comes over you ,and grieving on the other hand is the way that those waves of grief change over time without actually going away completely. And so someone after weeks, and months, and even years will usually experience less frequency or less intensity of these waves of grief. But that doesn't mean that, you know, as an example, my sister is engaged right now, and I know on her wedding day, we're going to have grief because my parents aren't going to be there to see it. And just because I know we're gonna have waves of grief, we're gonna cry. We're gonna miss them. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with our grieving up to this point. It's just in that moment, we're aware of this loss, which is always going to be true. Our parents are gone.

So..... I guess we'll always have moments of grief, just that the frequency and intensity will decrease over time?  At least according to Frances O'Connor.

 

 

[Boggled]

21 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

In the book, "The Grieving Brain", they make a distinction between grief and grieving.  See this interview, for instance: https://www.eliseloehnen.com/episodes/mary-frances-oconnor-phd-the-map-of-loss  

The distinction is really that grief is this wave of feeling and thought that comes over you ,and grieving on the other hand is the way that those waves of grief change over time without actually going away completely. And so someone after weeks, and months, and even years will usually experience less frequency or less intensity of these waves of grief. But that doesn't mean that, you know, as an example, my sister is engaged right now, and I know on her wedding day, we're going to have grief because my parents aren't going to be there to see it. And just because I know we're gonna have waves of grief, we're gonna cry. We're gonna miss them. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with our grieving up to this point. It's just in that moment, we're aware of this loss, which is always going to be true. Our parents are gone.

So..... I guess we'll always have moments of grief, just that the frequency and intensity will decrease over time?  At least according to Frances O'Connor.

That book was helpful to me.   

Right now, I'm reading Terry Pratchett's The Nation.   I think I'd read just part of it "before," and didn't like it, didn't think it was as clever or funny as his other books.  But now, "after," as I'm reading, I can relate to ... many things and feelings the hero, Mau, goes through as he carries on after returning to his home island after a tidal wave has rolled over his island, killing all the people of his "nation."  It was published 2008, looking at Mr. Pratchett's entry on Wikipedia, I note that he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2007.  And in the dedication, he put "To Lyn," (his wife).  He was a smart man.  (crying)  'nuff said!

[Bou]

On 3/15/2024 at 9:41 AM, shawnt said:

Yes,yes,yes.

I get a sqishy feeling when I am uncertain and then I delay. Others I judge on whether it will be a step up or back. It's the sentimental things that feel like she is being erased, getting rid of her mini-van, clearing her drawers, replanting her garden that sting the most. But stuff like retirement and finishing our cabin leave me baffled because I am becoming someone new and I don't know that guy very well yet . I have found that there are some things I absolutely loved to do with her that I actually don't like to do alone or with anyone else for that matter. I know it's not rational but when I experience that I feel like I am betraying her or her memory.

All of this!  In and out of all the feelings.  A sense of melancholy.  Making changes feels like erasing memories that you can't get back.  A stuck feeling.  I suck at this.  I pick and chose which threads to read and sometimes a thread just hits you in the feels.   I too am changing not because I wanted to change but because I had to change.  I feel overwhelmed often. 

[HisMunchkin]

28 minutes ago, Bou said:

I too am changing not because I wanted to change but because I had to change.  I feel overwhelmed often. 

That could be words out of my own mouth.  You are not alone! 💝

[widower2]

On 5/20/2024 at 1:59 PM, Bou said:

I suck at this.  

No more or less than the rest of us, believe me. I guess we've all had that self-loathing feeling at times. But really, how does one NOT suck at this? It's all but designed for people to suck at it, if that makes any sense. 

 

 

[Bou]

On 5/24/2024 at 12:56 AM, widower2 said:

No more or less than the rest of us, believe me. I guess we've all had that self-loathing feeling at times. But really, how does one NOT suck at this? It's all but designed for people to suck at it, if that makes any sense. 

 

 

I wish it didn't make sense but it totally does.  We are all born to die.  We are never truly prepared for it to really happen.  It's a bit unfathomable until you go through it.  Even then we all know people who have passed.  Someone just said time doesn't stop just because we want it too.  I wish I could go back in time and know what I know now.  I guess at some point we have to move forward or through the pain or shelve it or do whatever we need.  It's so hard.  So very hard.