Lost my emotional support

[Candy Nutt-Melton]

I lost my emotional support a few days ago. I have no control over my emotions and feel lost and so lonely.  I miss her so much and find myself wishing she could just come back to my. She was so much more than a cat she was my child. I miss her so much

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know it to be great, I lost Kitty over four years ago, she was 25 1/2.  You might say she lived a good long life, and she did, but that was just all the more time to build up a bond with her,

You can rest assured your kitty is at peace now...

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died over 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[AJWCat]

I am so sorry for your loss.  My cat was like our child too for 10 years until our tragic loss of him. I know where you are.

Please come back and write more, tell us about her, it may help you to share. We do understand your pain here. 

[Candy Nutt-Melton]

I've had bigginz since the night she was born. She was born with a cleft lip which caused her to have what looked like a double nose she also had no tail. We were told she wouldnt survive a year. She would have turned 5 on the first. She was a tiny 7and ahalf pound of fafo. She was always by my side. She loved to go on car rides, hot dogs and chocolate milk. She would sense my anxiety and come and head but  my hand or arm and talk to me with a little meow like I'm right here mom. I thought going to bed and falling asleep with out her would be an issue, but the waking up without her is so much worse. I fall to pieces several times a day. I miss her so much and just want her back. My bigginz was so much more than a pet. She was my baby my child.

[KayC]

Well she certainly is adorable.  My heart goes out to you.

[Candy Nutt-Melton]

I have a question. I feel a little stupid. Like everyone yes I talked to my Bigginz often through the day. Now she's not here for me to talk to and I know writing is a good way to cope with grief I've started writing letters to her. Anyone's thoughts would help

[foreverhis]

22 hours ago, Candy Nutt-Melton said:

I feel a little stupid. Like everyone yes I talked to my Bigginz often through the day.

No need to feel stupid about anything.  Writing a journal or letters is a good idea, but there's no reason at all that you can't continue to talk to her out loud too.  I talk to my husband (less than at first) and sometimes talk to our two most special companion animals, who I miss to this day even though it has been more than 15 years.

Talk to Bigginz.  Tell her how you feel, reminisce, cry.  When you're ready and able, you can regale her with stories about your day.  Maybe they can hear us and maybe not.  What matters is that talking out loud to those we love helps us or at least, it certainly helps me.

[Candy Nutt-Melton]

4 hours ago, foreverhis said:

No need to feel stupid about anything.  Writing a journal or letters is a good idea, but there's no reason at all that you can't continue to talk to her out loud too.  I talk to my husband (less than at first) and sometimes talk to our two most special companion animals, who I miss to this day even though it has been more than 15 years.

Talk to Bigginz.  Tell her how you feel, reminisce, cry.  When you're ready and able, you can regale her with stories about your day.  Maybe they can hear us and maybe not.  What matters is that talking out loud to those we love helps us or at least, it certainly helps me.

Thank you, foreverhis, I just miss her so much. I can't seem to make it though the day without bursting into tears at any given moment. I talk with my husband about her alot. But like a caring  husband he trys comfort me. When he learned I was writing letters to her he voiced his concern. I feel guilty because he loved her and misses her to. He didn't have same bond and he doesn't understand I'm only trying to cope with the lose of what to me was my child because I do have other babies that depend on me. Thank you for you kind words of understanding. I'm just lost with out her. 

[KayC]

I agree, we often talk to our husbands that are gone, so why not our dogs?  My husband has been gone nearly 19 years, I still talk to him whether inside my head or out loud with my voice.  I also did journaling but it's more rare now.  Doesn't mean I miss him any less.

So go ahead, talk away!

[Candy Nutt-Melton]

I lost several huge pieces of my heart when it shattered the night of March 8th. In less than 20 minutes. My four legged child with fur had a seizure and didn’t survive. This last week has been a blur yet every second of those 20 minutes are so very clear. I have done all of the if I would haves and maybe I should haves, but truth is none of that could have changed nothing. There was no time to try and get her to a vet at 11:30 at night. We live 30 minutes from town. We wouldn’t have made it to the highway. I hate this. I hurts so much. I couldn’t save my baby. All I could do was beg her not to go while she stared at me until the light in her eyes went dark and I held her close and felt the last breath leave her body I felt for a heart beat and felt the last soft slow beat. That’s when my heart shattered into a million pieces. Nothing has felt right since. What makes this even harder is She was my ESA she helped me through so many panic attacks and overwhelming emotional floods. I can’t get a hold on my emotions and feel like I’ve gone crazy , but I’ve lost my support. She was my best friend , my child, my someone to talk to everyday for the last almost 5 years. You see I’ve had her since she was born and because she was born with a cleft lip, the vet suggested we should put her to sleep when she was about 5 weeks old, telling us she wouldn’t survive a year. She would have been 5 years old on April 1st. I’ve been asking her to give me a sign that she found her way where she was going and a couple of days ago it was chilly and lots of moisture in the air and rain starting to move in , my husband and I were headed down our driveway and a very large monarch butterfly was flying along side us. Once we turned to go out of the drive it flew to the top of a tree. Round here we usually don’t get butterflies until warmer weather sets in and never when it’s wet out and the monarchs are far and few between. So that was my sign that she got her wings. I know now that She can hear me too. She was amazing she overcome every struggle she faced. She was a tiny 7 1/2 lbs of fafo with fur. I miss her horribly and wish life had a rewind button. It doesn’t, I know I’ve been searching for one and haven’t found it. I know everything that made her imperfectly perfect is corrected now she can climb a tree without falling she can even land on her feet. She can eat what ever her heart desires without worry of biting her tongue or lip. All the things I wished for her over the last five year has come true for her. So why cant I find peace. Why am I still begging for her to be with me. Emotions slam into me like a crashing wave and I drown in my own tears. I cry myself to sleep, I cry when I wake. She sees me and I know her, she wants to fix it she wants to come headbutt my hand as to say I’m here mom, I got you ,it’s okay, I am here. Knowing I want her and can’t have her and that she wants me and can’t be here. Is such an awful feeling. As I write this tears have come and their not slowing down. I’ve heard so many times it gets easier,. When? I’m told once I get use to her not being here, well, that will never happen. I’ve even been told get another cat. My Bigginz wasn’t a damn cat she was my child. I’ve heard well you got other cats don’t you. I don’t have cats I got kids. I wish somebody understood that. I lost my child and they lost their sister . Truthfully I really do want to be okay because honestly I want her to be at peace and find the beauty of the rainbow bridge because she truly deserves that. I just hurts so much and I miss her horribly. Thank you to whoever read my babbling I just needed to get these words out. I’m so heartbroken. It’s making me sick. Thank you

[KayC]

One never replaces another. It was years before I got another cat, it's a feral cat I felt sorry for, he claimed me, he's an outdoor cat and I've never had a feral before, very different from a domestic cat like Kitty.  I had my Kitty until she was 25 1/2, there's no replacing that.

[Candy Nutt-Melton]

It was a month ago I lost my ESA. I thought I was doing okay emotionally. I could go through my daily routine without bursting into tears every few minutes. Until last week, I began to have a panic attack and I actually reach out for my Bigginz only to find an empty space. And it hit me almost harder than when I lost her. I want to scream and yell that I want her back. I need her back. I feel like I've had my heart ripped out and stomped. I miss her so much more now. I thought this was supposed to get easier as time passes. I sure feels like it's getting harder. How do I heal without my healer?

[KayC]

By it getting better with time, we don't mean a month, it can take years depending on the person, the animal, and the bond.  I still miss my Arlie.  I have a registered service dog and love him but none replaces Arlie...just as no one would replace Kodie when he goes.  It's been nearly five years.  I still hold his coat.