The loneliness

[pet chipmunk]

How do I meet people? Friends? Does anyone ever play cards or anything? I have never felt this alone, unless I've blocked it out... My special needs son went to a friend's for the weekend... I'm supposed to have a boyfriend but I'm completely alone... I hate this... 

[widower2]

I'm sorry. And I can definitely relate.

Aside from family and friends, may I suggest checking out Meetup.com.....it's sort of a construct that allows local people to create local social groups of all kinds, based on age, interests, hobbies, etc...there are even sometimes widow/widower groups. They are either free or very cheap (the most expensive I ever saw was $15/yr) and no pressure to attend anything in particular; you can pick and choose what you want. FWIW 

 

[ThereIsAField]

Yes it's so strange, isn't it. I've found making friends easy, all my life. But ever since this happened... Sigh... I've even actively pushed away the friends I do/ did have along the lines of "YOU DON'T GET IT SO GO AWAY"... Definitely my "fault"... And the loneliness is intense, it feels existential sometimes... I feel like I've lost all my friendship-skills and at the same time, when I meet someone who might be a friend my brain is like "NO THEY'D JUST BE THE SAME AS THE OTHERS". I dunno... I sort of understand it but I sort of don't. My friends are/ were decent people... They didn't treat me poorly, or anything... But I feel like this whole experience has changed me... Like experiencing pain this deep, this raw, this strange, this life-changing... Has made me someone different to who I used to be. So those old friends are the friends of the "old me". And I have no idea who this "new me" is nor who the friends of this new me are supposed to be.

I also feel like age is a factor... somehow in your teens and twenties, it feels like meeting new people and making friends is "what you do" and the reason you're alive... But later, everyone has got partners/ families/ careers... and making friends and being friends becomes this totally different dance... I remember with friends in high school, we'd spend 6 hours a day at school together and then we'd be on the phone in the afternoon for another 3 hours or at each other's houses for hours and it was just hours and hours and hours of that. These days, to meet a friend, it's a scheduling thing... Trying to "find" an hour for coffee where both of you have time is juggling so many things and then you eventually find a day/ week where it "fits". It's so different to how it felt when we were young, isn't it?

[ThereIsAField]

Oh and I forgot to add Covid... I feel like the whole social-distancing thing and everything happening offline... it's become a thing for me... It happened at a time when I was isolating anyway and Covid sort of cemented that in place... I don't know if I'll ever get back to "normal, pre-pandemic" levels of interacting socially... ?

[pet chipmunk]

I've always been a friendly person... Acceptance and family I've craved my whole life... I had a mother that hated me and as I got older the more it showed... I had 5 babies starting at 17... My mom took my first 3 after my third was born... I made the mistake of trusting her and signed a paper for temporary custody... Well there was nothing temporary about it... Got pregnant with my 4th, married cuz I kept getting told to do the right thing and I'd get my kids back... Ended up having my last 2 within my first year of marriage.... He's the one that nearly killed my youngest when he was 5 weeks old by shaking him.... I didn't have family support for any of this... Not my family or his... My youngest is still with me and he'll be 18 soon... However, because of being shook, he has cerebral palsy and autism and he won't be able to live on his own or get a driver's license... 

I grew up in the country without a phone... It wasn't very often that I could stay with a friend and I actually don't ever remember having a friend stay over with me... 

Anxiety has always been an issue with me... I stumble over my words, sweat and well panic... I couldn't figure out why my anxiety is acting up but I wouldn't shut up... It made no sense... But apparently that talking fast, stumbling over my words are anxiety... I'm great at any job that I do... But I am limited because of my son and being alone... It's probably my anxiety writing this cuz I'm really bad at jumping from one thing to another.... 

[KayC]

I had an active social life before Covid, everything changed, I find myself more and more alone, esp. with the winter snows and isolation.  Just keep trying to get out there, the ways widower2 suggested.  You could contact the friends you pushed away and explain simply to them and see if they'll consider going out together more once again.  Tell them you need them and want some contact.  Hopefully they'll understand.

[DWS]

6 hours ago, ThereIsAField said:

Sigh... I've even actively pushed away the friends I do/ did have along the lines of "YOU DON'T GET IT SO GO AWAY"... Definitely my "fault"... And the loneliness is intense, it feels existential sometimes... I feel like I've lost all my friendship-skills and at the same time, when I meet someone who might be a friend my brain is like "NO THEY'D JUST BE THE SAME AS THE OTHERS". I dunno... I sort of understand it but I sort of don't. My friends are/ were decent people... They didn't treat me poorly, or anything... But I feel like this whole experience has changed me... Like experiencing pain this deep, this raw, this strange, this life-changing... Has made me someone different to who I used to be. So those old friends are the friends of the "old me". And I have no idea who this "new me" is nor who the friends of this new me are supposed to be.

Thank you for trying to explain what is so hard to explain! Reading your words strikes right to the heart of this emptiness and loneliness for me. I know that some of the "old me" is still there but this "new whatever me" is the old plus the weird mess of what this horrible loss has cultivated. I'm not at all the person that my friends remember and the messy part is I don't want them to think I am. I somehow want this loss...my loss...continually acknowledged which isn't fair to my friends and family but I have to find some way to do it. But I know sweeping it under the rug and rejoining past friends in an attempt to come back to life isn't it. Perhaps the hope is for renewal.   

[shawnt]

Fitting into the new is hard, I am just starting to understand how deep and fundamental the changes are. I no longer fit with some friends and even some relatives or maybe they don't fit with me . In grief or not the older we get the harder it is to make real friends, everyone has a life , ours is diminished by our loss but we still need space to let them in. For me I am more withdrawn and not as accepting as I once was and of course that limits social possibilities. Loneliness is a painful part of our path our partners are not replaceable. My business forces me to interact, my son's forced me onto dating sites  (frightening, painful but it has some rewards and emotional costs) Every church and community centre has dinner socials and card nights and ALL the people who attend are lonely for one reason or another, heavily attended by widows and widowers. For us it takes the strength and will + desire to reach out and do it. Each of us chooses the way for ourselves as hard as that is to do alone, no action is a decision and for some the right one.

For me I think back to being the new kid on the playground on the outside watching the fun, for me it was always more fun to join in than to watch.

[pet chipmunk]

I keep thinking that I shouldn't have to do this all over and over again... My husband knew me... He knew my past and understood me... He was it... Why would I ever need to impress or connect with anyone else.... I've been hurt so much in my life and even while we were together, he helped me through so much... We were happy... It definitely changes you... It's not fair... I know that there will never be another Joe... I really feel blessed that he was in my life... My son keeps saying that he misses him and wants to see him... But "he's dead", he'll say.

My whole life changed when Joe came into it... It changes again when he passed... It's just gonna keep changing... I adapt... Change is that much harder when you have a child with autism and they don't handle change well... But it's always changing.... My son doesn't like school and can't wait to graduate... But when he does, he's gonna hate it cuz everything will change... Always does... 

Nobody can replace my husband... I really know that and I don't put anyone up on the pedestal that I have him on... 

This is just all so hard... I could pack up, take off, and nobody would care... I don't have family that wants anything to do with me... I haven't been on Facebook or social media for almost a year.... 

[Boggled]

11 hours ago, Eternityhope said:

How do I meet people? Friends? Does anyone ever play cards or anything?

The library in the town 25 miles away from where I live has "coloring" meetings;  even though "coloring" is NOT my personal cup of tea, I toy with the idea of "just do it," just to have a chance to MAYBE talk to one or more human beings!   Playing cards seems like it would be more fun than coloring!   🥴

9 hours ago, ThereIsAField said:

And the loneliness is intense, it feels existential sometimes... I feel like I've lost all my friendship-skills and at the same time, when I meet someone who might be a friend my brain is like "NO THEY'D JUST BE THE SAME AS THE OTHERS". I dunno... I sort of understand it but I sort of don't.

"it feels existential sometimes," me too.  (went and heated up a cuppa coffee to ponder) ... I did call up a woman friend we'd met and clicked with but then lost track of, several years ago.   And she's friendly ... but.   But it feels so thin and weak!  after what I've realized was the most fulfilling relationship I'll ever have in my life ... with my husband!  Who died!  and everything changed, EVERYTHING changed!  and I/we have to grow around the huge gigantic loss, deal with sorrow, deal with many individual emotions, and also with the now emptiness and silence!   I've got a few small routines:  coffee!  in the morning (and I try to make it as good as possible because somehow having really good coffee helps!) ... write down, list, things I want to get done and do them bit by bit, 6:00 p.m., turn on the "news," (and that's a major break from SILENCE), TV on till bedtime but I don't watch it ... just let it go on, I told myself I was turning it on for HIM the first year or more;  now, it's turned into a routine ... routine seems to help.  

I'm taking a guess here, but I THINK/GUESS I'll never find another really soulmate/fulfilling relationship again.  The thin weak friendship/s will be all there is ahead in terms of humans, until I die.   But I HAD the relationship with a person who wholeheartedly loved, supported, conversed freely, and grew-together, intertwined! with me.    I've developed my little routines, I have my little projects, I read my books, I go to the library, I get out when I feel like it, but I don't feel like it much.  Seems like it's at least for NOW, better to just "reach out" occasionally -- VERY occasionally -- and I'm trying to understand!  myself, life, the afterlife, arrgghhhhh.  hunh.    (I'm giving it up for now ... "I dunno!"    )

[DWS]

16 minutes ago, Boggled said:

The library in the town 25 miles away from where I live has "coloring" meetings;  even though "coloring" is NOT my personal cup of tea, I toy with the idea of "just do it," just to have a chance to MAYBE talk to one or more human beings!   Playing cards seems like it would be more fun than coloring!   🥴

Ugh....just shoot me now if colouring books is one of the suggestions out of grief. Nope...nada! But isn't it maddening just to be giving it a consideration?!!

[Boggled]

33 minutes ago, Eternityhope said:

I keep thinking that I shouldn't have to do this all over and over again... My husband knew me... He knew my past and understood me... He was it... Why would I ever need to impress or connect with anyone else.... I've been hurt so much in my life and even while we were together, he helped me through so much... We were happy... It definitely changes you... It's not fair... I know that there will never be another Joe... I really feel blessed that he was in my life... My son keeps saying that he misses him and wants to see him... But "he's dead", he'll say.

My whole life changed when Joe came into it... It changes again when he passed... It's just gonna keep changing... I adapt... Change is that much harder when you have a child with autism and they don't handle change well... But it's always changing.... My son doesn't like school and can't wait to graduate... But when he does, he's gonna hate it cuz everything will change... Always does... 

Nobody can replace my husband... I really know that and I don't put anyone up on the pedestal that I have him on... 

This is just all so hard... I could pack up, take off, and nobody would care... I don't have family that wants anything to do with me... I haven't been on Facebook or social media for almost a year.... 

wow, I feel a LOT the same way.  What you say about life changing and keeping changing and adapting is true, eh?  Your post is making me think.  I don't know much about autism.  What is it?  I'm sorry your son doesn't like school ... got any GOOD links about what is autism and what's it like?

[pet chipmunk]

I actually tried the coloring... I done coloring apps on my phone for a couple years... I've been doing counted cross stitch and puzzles as hobbies... All my walls have finished puzzles and framed cross stitching that I've done... Right now my table is empty, as of maybe 2 days ago... A clean slate is my reason... I've got ideas of what I should do... Like cleaning my son's room while he isn't here.... But I'm lacking motivation big-time... I would love to play cards... I know how to play many card games and I'm a quick learner.... I like bingo too... I always thought that I had an older soul inside me...

[Boggled]

8 minutes ago, DWS said:

Ugh....just shoot me now if colouring books is one of the suggestions out of grief. Nope...nada! But isn't it maddening just to be giving it a consideration?!!

oh, that really made me LAUGH.  i'M STILL LAUGHING.  🤣

[pet chipmunk]

My son didn't get diagnosed with autism til 2017 and it changed everything... There's many levels of spectrums of autism... My son is on the lower end, where he's maybe a ten year old in a 17 year old body... I'm still learning but emotions they can't comprehend... It's definitely challenging... 

Some common shows have autistic actors too... Bones... Sheldon on Big Bang Theory... 

They don't 'get' sarcasm at all... Routine seems to really help... Everyday I learn something new... He has super sonic hearing... Really bad eyesight that he denies having.... I have the added complications with the cerebral palsy too... His right side was affected by the stroke he had when he was shook....

[Boggled]

9 minutes ago, Eternityhope said:

I actually tried the coloring... I done coloring apps on my phone for a couple years... I've been doing counted cross stitch and puzzles as hobbies... All my walls have finished puzzles and framed cross stitching that I've done... Right now my table is empty, as of maybe 2 days ago... A clean slate is my reason... I've got ideas of what I should do... Like cleaning my son's room while he isn't here.... But I'm lacking motivation big-time... I would love to play cards... I know how to play many card games and I'm a quick learner.... I like bingo too... I always thought that I had an older soul inside me...

well cleaning your son's room sounds like a good idea to ME.  

I get it about lacking motivation.  Seems like that's one of the things you get more of, by being around other people SOMEHOW ... to ME.  

I'd bought a "coloring book" back when my husband, Steve, was still alive, tried coloring ONE page... NOT my thing!  which is why I'm STILL LAUGHING about what DWS said;  I guess mebbe coloring get-together wouldn't be that good of an idea?  but if somebody like YOU were to be at such a meeting, EternityHope, would it be POSSIBLE that we would recognize one another's personhood ... probably neither one of us would be that much into it?  but we could talk to one another at least.  It wouldn't be the same as our husbands were.  Though.

[DWS]

11 minutes ago, Eternityhope said:

I've been doing counted cross stitch and puzzles as hobbies... All my walls have finished puzzles and framed cross stitching that I've done... Right now my table is empty, as of maybe 2 days ago... A clean slate is my reason... I've got ideas of what I should do... Like cleaning my son's room while he isn't here.... But I'm lacking motivation big-time...

Something that I've found therapeutic is creating art. It's one of those things that was suggested in the coping-with-grief playbook (something I snubbed at the start) but it really does have its genuine effectiveness. After watching endless Youtube videos of others painting and creating, I got into it myself using a technique of making up various textured paints....adding anything from drywall compound, grout, mortar, sand, or baking soda. I've painted things around the house like old vases, jars and a lamp. They've all turned out so awesome. This ugly old lamp that I once painted green (don't know why I did that so don't ask) but now it looks like it's made of stone! Now I keep looking for things in the house that could use a new look.

 

[pet chipmunk]

I'm a talker when I do get out... Sometimes I may say too much to strangers but I have nothing to hide... My son is also very friendly to strangers... He's just mainly mean to me... I've wanted to write about my life since highschool but was always waiting for that happy ending.... I think that if I met you at any random place, we'd be able to socialize... I'm generally liked and everybody seems to love Nick too

[Boggled]

I just read an article (top article in my search engine) from Mayo Clinic:  Autism spectrum disorder - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic

there's a reference to study on a possible key link to autism:  Mayo Clinic 'mini-brain' study reveals possible key link to autism spectrum disorder - Mayo Clinic News Network

"excitatory cortical neurons" there aren't enough of them ... it's interesting to me ... maybe partly because this change I've experienced has me wondering, "am I crazy?" sometimes  (laughing) ???????  ... maybe grief also causes neuronal changes.  Maybe I could do with a few more "excitatory cortical neurons."  ???????    

and Eternityhope, if you like Bingo, I THINK Catholic churches go in for that, anyway, wherever you might could find Bingo (during the time your son is in school?) that would be at least SOMEWHERE to go and SOMETHING to do with other human beings, might at least be worthwhile to check out?

 

[Boggled]

24 minutes ago, DWS said:

I've painted things around the house like old vases, jars and a lamp. They've all turned out so awesome. This ugly old lamp that I once painted green (don't know why I did that so don't ask) but now it looks like it's made of stone! Now I keep looking for things in the house that could use a new look.

You did good on that lamp, DWS!   I used to paint, with acrylics and then with oils, on canvas, learned to gesso canvas and try to stretch it on a frame ... all that was long ago before I met my husband.  The biggest thing I remember about painting was that it intensified my visual PERCEPTION so that when I looked away from whatever I was painting, for instance going outside, I'd notice SO MUCH MORE visually, shadows and gradations of colors.  Anyhoo, that's the biggest thing I remember about painting; maybe I'll start up again ... maybe.  I've got my little list of "things to do," and right now, I'm going back to my stack of different kinds of tomato seeds ... picking out what kind/s of tomatos to grow this year ... enjo9yable, for me.

[HisMunchkin]

11 hours ago, ThereIsAField said:

I also feel like age is a factor... somehow in your teens and twenties, it feels like meeting new people and making friends is "what you do" and the reason you're alive... But later, everyone has got partners/ families/ careers... and making friends and being friends becomes this totally different dance... I remember with friends in high school, we'd spend 6 hours a day at school together and then we'd be on the phone in the afternoon for another 3 hours or at each other's houses for hours and it was just hours and hours and hours of that. These days, to meet a friend, it's a scheduling thing... Trying to "find" an hour for coffee where both of you have time is juggling so many things and then you eventually find a day/ week where it "fits". It's so different to how it felt when we were young, isn't it?

Definitely!  For me, I also find that I've become much less social as I aged.  Lost touch with the majority of my old friends, and I don't really feel like reconnecting.  I was very happy, fulfilled, and comfortable with mostly just me and my husband.  After his passing, I feel even less social.  Like I want to crawl under the covers and just stay there.  But life forces you to socialize sometimes, so I feel obligated to put on a happy face and make small talk at times.  It really tires me out.   Making new friends?  That task seems even more daunting.

 

2 hours ago, Boggled said:

"it feels existential sometimes," me too.  (went and heated up a cuppa coffee to ponder) ... I did call up a woman friend we'd met and clicked with but then lost track of, several years ago.   And she's friendly ... but.   But it feels so thin and weak!

I hear ya...

 

2 hours ago, DWS said:

This ugly old lamp that I once painted green (don't know why I did that so don't ask) but now it looks like it's made of stone! Now I keep looking for things in the house that could use a new look.

It looks great!  Like you turned a $10 lamp from a garage sale into something that costs hundreds.  Like these ones:

https://www.fatshackvintage.com.au/products/livingstone-ceramic-table-lamp

https://www.cb2.ca/enora-white-travertine-table-lamp/s436823

May I ask, what did you use to create that look?

[pet chipmunk]

My husband was my best friend... He was truly my everything....  I have a huge birthday coming up... It's huge because both my ex and my husband were 43... They didn't make it to 44... I will be turning 44 and to me, and those that care, this is huge... It's scary... Since I lost my husband, I've been more afraid of living than dying... But you know, I put a smile on my face and do what I've gotta do... After my son graduates, he wants to move out with a roommate for other dependent adults like him... I've gotten him involved with all the services he qualifies for... But I attend the meetings and the doctor's appointments and soon court... I absolutely hate my ex husband... I blame him because he's the one that caused all this... I'm scared to death of what lies ahead... I really am

[Boggled]

2 hours ago, Eternityhope said:

I have a huge birthday coming up... It's huge because both my ex and my husband were 43... They didn't make it to 44... I will be turning 44 and to me, and those that care, this is huge... It's scary... Since I lost my husband, I've been more afraid of living than dying... But you know, I put a smile on my face and do what I've gotta do...

This reminds me of when I asked my parents, when I was maybe 10 or so, about ghosts.  And they said, very seriously but kindly, "There ARE NO SUCHTHINGS AS GHOSTS."  I probably asked a couple more questions but they came down hard on the "NO SUCH THINGS" bit.  I appreciated it!  It was quite clear (maybe I dunno NOW, but at the time, I appreciated it!)  I guess I'd use the same serious tone to you, Eternityhope ... "just because your husbands died and didn't make it to 44, that doesn't mean anything about YOUR life, or YOUR birthday."  Something along those lines.  Being "more afraid of living than dying?"  well yeah, we KNOW life is scary, eh?  But like you say, you CAN put a smile on your face and do what you've gotta do.   I guess I need to do that too.   IF I ever get myself together to go to our local Senior Center, for instance, ... all alone ... and probably not find anybody to talk to ... but get to try out their exercise equipment ... and now, here where I'm in my safe place, I CAN still just think about "should I?" "or not?" "is it worth the drive there and back?"  

You said you didn't have a phone growing up;  my one female friend grew up out in the country with no phone too.  To me, how strange!  

Your first husband, that you call your ex-husband, is dead now right?  must be, if he didn't make it to 44 ... he's the one you still hate.  

That your son wants to move away when he graduates, is sad for you ... but ... that's the way it is ... just hope he'll be okay and happy if/when it happens ... appreciate him now!  yeah.  Change happens.  "surf the wave."

 

[Boggled]

3 hours ago, Eternityhope said:

But you know, I put a smile on my face and do what I've gotta do...

That's a great way to put it, I'm going to remember that one.  I've been using "into the strangeitude," since EVERYTHING seems strange to me since my husband died.  I can put a smile on my face ... and do what I've gotta do! ... too.   

One odd thing I've been noticing, when I read some things, I break into HUGE crying ... when I'm alone.  I never used to do that.

[pet chipmunk]

I've been married twice... My first husband nearly killed my son... He's still alive... And my ex boyfriend and husband were the two that died

[pet chipmunk]

I've never claimed that my fears were rational... Maybe they aren't, but in my mind, they seem to be rational...

[KayC]

If they are fears to you, they are worthy of consideration...

[martindig]

On 3/9/2024 at 9:20 AM, Boggled said:

The library in the town 25 miles away from where I live has "coloring" meetings;  even though "coloring" is NOT my personal cup of tea, I toy with the idea of "just do it," just to have a chance to MAYBE talk to one or more human beings!   Playing cards seems like it would be more fun than coloring!   🥴

"it feels existential sometimes," me too.  (went and heated up a cuppa coffee to ponder) ... I did call up a woman friend we'd met and clicked with but then lost track of, several years ago.   And she's friendly ... but.   But it feels so thin and weak!  after what I've realized was the most fulfilling relationship I'll ever have in my life ... with my husband!  Who died!  and everything changed, EVERYTHING changed!  and I/we have to grow around the huge gigantic loss, deal with sorrow, deal with many individual emotions, and also with the now emptiness and silence!   I've got a few small routines:  coffee!  in the morning (and I try to make it as good as possible because somehow having really good coffee helps!) ... write down, list, things I want to get done and do them bit by bit, 6:00 p.m., turn on the "news," (and that's a major break from SILENCE), TV on till bedtime but I don't watch it ... just let it go on, I told myself I was turning it on for HIM the first year or more;  now, it's turned into a routine ... routine seems to help.  

I'm taking a guess here, but I THINK/GUESS I'll never find another really soulmate/fulfilling relationship again.  The thin weak friendship/s will be all there is ahead in terms of humans, until I die.   But I HAD the relationship with a person who wholeheartedly loved, supported, conversed freely, and grew-together, intertwined! with me.    I've developed my little routines, I have my little projects, I read my books, I go to the library, I get out when I feel like it, but I don't feel like it much.  Seems like it's at least for NOW, better to just "reach out" occasionally -- VERY occasionally -- and I'm trying to understand!  myself, life, the afterlife, arrgghhhhh.  hunh.    (I'm giving it up for now ... "I dunno!"    )

Others are sharing in your grief and completely understand how you feel. No one can replace our soul mates so everything in life suddenly becomes trivial and mundane...suddenly grayer with memories only instead of conversation. One way conversations looking at the sky are becoming the new norm. Thanks for sharing.

[HisMunchkin]

6 minutes ago, martindig said:

Others are sharing in your grief and completely understand how you feel. No one can replace our soul mates so everything in life suddenly becomes trivial and mundane...suddenly grayer with memories only instead of conversation. One way conversations looking at the sky are becoming the new norm. Thanks for sharing.

Hello, Martindig.  Welcome!  And I am so sorry for your loss.  Hope you'll stay and chat with us.  This board has been very helpful for me, and I hope you'll find the same.  The people here are extremely kind and understanding.  Feel free to share your thoughts, emotions, and experiences.  You are not alone! 💝

[KayC]

29 minutes ago, martindig said:

Others are sharing in your grief and completely understand how you feel.

Welcome here!  I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Boggled]

On 3/9/2024 at 7:34 PM, Eternityhope said:

I've never claimed that my fears were rational... Maybe they aren't, but in my mind, they seem to be rational...

You're dealing with doing the best you can, the best way you can.  Maybe check out your local library for "activities?"  Our library in the nearest town, which is small, has a website with a calendar that shows activities;  if you have a town library maybe they also have a website.

I'm sorry, didn't mean to offend about whether your fear is rational or not.  So I'm having a bit of a problem figuring out what you're afraid of ... 

On 3/9/2024 at 1:38 PM, Eternityhope said:

I have a huge birthday coming up... It's huge because both my ex and my husband were 43... They didn't make it to 44... I will be turning 44 and to me, and those that care, this is huge... It's scary... Since I lost my husband, I've been more afraid of living than dying... But you know, I put a smile on my face and do what I've gotta do...

Is it that you think you too might DIE before you make it to 44?  or that because your boyfriend and your good husband died before they got to 44, then you're afraid of living on?  ... or just the huge SIGNIFICANCE of a 44th birthday since both of your loved persons did not make it?

[Boggled]

18 hours ago, martindig said:

One way conversations looking at the sky are becoming the new norm.

About the way I've been ... too ... the afterlife!  I think it's real, but lots of questions.  Some people on some other threads on here had called talking to their spouses "chats;"  I'm trying that but finding it difficult ... my husband was different from me, he would come up with "the unexpected," his own take that I miss but HIS TAKE can't come out of ME.  

[Bou]

On 3/8/2024 at 11:09 PM, Eternityhope said:

How do I meet people? Friends? Does anyone ever play cards or anything? I have never felt this alone, unless I've blocked it out... My special needs son went to a friend's for the weekend... I'm supposed to have a boyfriend but I'm completely alone... I hate this... 

Tell me how.  I have always been an introvert.  I don't want to be alone the rest of my life yet I don't want to put up with a lot either.  At my age I want peace, someone to do things with and that is not going to slow me down or bring over abundance of drama or stuff I don't want.  I don't drink, smoke do drugs.  I try to be a good person.  I know everyone has a past and issues but I don't want to bring into my life crud that would make me go backwards instead of forwards.  I don't want to fix someone.  I don't want to play head games that can cause heartache.   Then I feel guilty for wanting.  I am just so darned lonely.  I don't have my best friend to talk things out with, someone to say hey you want to go do this, that safety net person.  All the things.  I as well have a daughter that has her things and she went away this past weekend and I was lost.  This new world we live in I don't know how to navigate much.  I am old schoolish yet modern.  Willing to learn some.  I work from home, I don't go to church nor do I wish to go, I don't have many friends at all.  I just don't know where to meet someone.  Online dating  is a joke. Ghosted is a real thing and not nice and mean.  I am lost.  I would like to have that zest for life that I once had.  Loneliness is a true disease in itself.  Yet todays world people don't get together, they are connected to their phones , covid,  people being busy.  I love to travel. I would love to find someone that would like to travel as well.  All the things.   I hate this too..

[KayC]

We have to actively look for people, spend time with them...it's hard, I'm an introvert also.  Do things you like that involve people, volunteering, clubs, etc.

[shawnt]

I try and take a longer view. It took a long lonely path to find my Suzy and although a love like that is out of my reach . I have to assume it will be a long lonely road to whatever comes next. My job is to get up, start living and at least be open to the idea that I can have a fun day or two yet to come. Counting over and over what's been lost gets me nothing but more misery, I have to look forward to something, anything .

It is hard to remember I am not who I was. That guy left with Suzy and they ain't coming back.

Perhaps it was always an illusion that our future was set out before us. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not promised, today is and always will be what we have . Dear God; don't let me **** up today. Amen.

[7779311]

On 3/9/2024 at 8:36 AM, DWS said:

Ugh....just shoot me now if colouring books is one of the suggestions out of grief. Nope...nada! But isn't it maddening just to be giving it a consideration?!!

I say to each, his own. Coloring, especially complex designs, actually can be a form of mindfulness and also reduce anxiety. I color sometimes on bad days.

[Jemiga70]

On 3/9/2024 at 10:15 PM, shawnt said:

[. . . ] no action is a decision and for some the right one.

I've always been more of an observer than a participant. Growing older and then losing her has only amplified this. I stand outside of it all whenever I can.  I'm a nice guy, I help others when I can, but I participate in life as little as possible now. I'm OK with that. I don't need friends. I don't need dates. I don't need romance. I don't need another marriage. I don't need more stuff.  I need only perfunctory communication with my work contacts, who can send me more work and pay my invoices so I can get money to eat. Blunt perhaps, but that's the way it is now.

[shawnt]

And that's OK. We all choose our path, actively or not. One way or another how we live with this enormous loss leads us ( against our will?)  to whoever we will be next.

[widower2]

Agreed; "go with what works" has always been my motto. 

[Jemiga70]

Reminds me of a quote attributed to Frank Sinatra: "I'm for whatever gets you through the night."