My dad aided his passing

[lucaat]

I lost my dad a couple of days ago.

Any wish I had, he always tried and often succeded in making it reality. 

I will miss him a lot.

However I am struggling a bit with a complicating issue. 

He passed at 83 with a long history of heart disease. 

I live in a different country and it is a long drive to visit him. Takes around 8 hours one way. I visited him two weeks before his death. We hugged and we talked about various adventures. 

We always enjoyed talking to each other. 

He was in a bad state. Could barely walk or eat. Always vomiting. But the doctors were out of ideas. Otherwise his old self.

He was always a sporty guy and told me 10 years ago when he first encountered heart issues, that if he ever was too weak too look after himself and could not be outside anymore he would end it himself, and that we should not be mad about this. 

He never liked relying on anyone for anything. I said that maybe a nursing home could be beneficial for him. 

The hospital called me and said that he is in the ICU after a suicide attempt by pills. 

The doctor told me that there is no chance. Even if I were to get in the car this second, by the time I reach the hospital he will have died.

At his home there was no letter. No goodbye. Just the empty pill bottle on the table. 

My mum is more angry. But she is a super strong and positive person. 

I am not only sad, but also have feelings of guilt. Maybe in these last days I should have pushed the doctors more to find the cause of the chronic nausea and vomiting. He had MRI,CT, Gallblader checks, stomach checks etc..