Saying goodbye to my sweet boy has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do

[JenniferR2024]

We lost our handsome boy unexpectedly on March 1st, only two days ago. We live in a split level home and I found him at the bottom of the first set of stairs by our front door. We only had him a short while, about 1.5 years. But we found him initially at an emaciated 5 lbs and we nurtured him to a total of 18 lbs. Our gentle giant. I miss him so much. And his death is really torturing me. 

We have an indoor camera, but it doesn't show that direct area of the room. The last I saw of him was laying on his favorite rug at the top of the stairs. He was facing away from the steps. Then all of a sudden he quickly turned around and almost leaped accidentally down the stairs. It was obvious he did not have his placement on the steps. He was very clumsy on the stairs, but this was something else. Either he miscalculated how close he was to the stairs and really did accidentally fall, or some type of event happened that made it so he couldn't get his footing. Shortly after the fall, we could hear a thrashing-type sound and one short little groan-like sound, and then just the trashing noise for 5 minutes. I'm not sure if he was having a seizure, but that's kind of what it sounded like. The sound though.... it kills me. I will never listen to it again. When I found him, he had no obvious injuries. No blood, no vomit, no urine, no feces. Nothing. He looked like he was laying in a comfortable position with his eyes just slightly open. But his tail was slightly poofy, making me worry he was terrified in his final moments. And that's what kills me most. I have no idea what happened to my handsome boy. Did he accidentally break his neck/back? Was he trying to stand up (thrashing sound), but made it worse in his final moments and accidentally caused irreparable damage? Or did some kind of event happen before he even fell? Like maybe he was having a stroke, was frightened, meant to go downstairs, but couldn't catch himself, and then he fell. And then maybe he did sustain a head injury which only worsened the outcome, and then he seized and passed. I don't know. Nothing brings me comfort. His death was so unexpected. I thought we had a lot of years with him yet. I genuinely thought he was going to pass after our other cat who is almost 10 years old. I never anticipated he would leave us so soon. He just had a clean bill of health in December.

All I know is I miss him with all of my being. I'm really struggling. I don't know how I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow and pretend like everything is fine. My Duggie was my best companion. I've never had a bond with a furry friend like this in my entire life. My husband is struggling also, but he's been really strong for me because he knows how close I was with our Duggie. I feel like a piece of me is missing. It's so delusional but I still look where he normally would be and not seeing him there just kills me each time. I don't know how to move on without him. I can't eat, I can barely sleep. It feels so surreal that he's gone. 

[KayC]

OMG, I am so sorry!  How horrific!  
 

You can rest assured your kitty is at peace now...

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died over 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[AJWCat]

Oh my heart absolutely breaks reading this. I am so sorry for the sudden loss of your sweet boy @JenniferR2024 

I lost my cat several years ago under mysterious circumstances (looked like poison maybe) and it was a violent death. Devastating. So, when I tell you I understand your grief - the struggle you are in right now - and worse, the mental torture, trying to work out in your mind what happened, I do. 

All I can wish for you is peace. It will take time. It's a slow process. You gave him a really good life. Sadly, too short for whatever reason. You will likely never know. I finally gave up trying to figure out what happened and just let myself grieve. Go easy on yourself... let go of the guilt and blame. Again, truly sorry for your loss.  

[foreverhis]

I’m so sorry you lost your wonderful boy.

There is no way of knowing exactly what happened and I don’t blame you a bit for not being able to watch or hear the recording again. One thing I am sure of is that you are not to blame, though I also know it will take time for you to truly believe it. We’re the ones left here, so who can we blame but ourselves?

You gave him the best gift of all, love. He knew that. There’s little else in this world more precious than that.

Everyone here knows the amazing gift of unconditional love and the agonizing depth of grief when losing it. You are not alone.❤️