Feeling Numb

[Sarah1008]

Hello, 

I'm new to this community, my husband died in January this year and I'm totally lost. He died in his 50s and I never thought I would say to people that I'm a widower in my 40s. My husband was my life, we did everything together concerts, theatre, movies, restaurants, swimming but he was a very sick man and I ended up caring for him as well as working full time. So much so that I don't have anything in common with anyone for the past 10 years. 

Every moment was shared with him and there was no one to tell my stories too and have a laugh about them. I knew this would happen and I would mention this to him before he died cos he would ask what I am going to do once he died. I honestly never thought that day would come because he was given a short diagnosis but then he held out till nearly a year. I'm lost but I'm not broken yet as I still exercise throughout the week and I work full time. At the moment, it's still numb which is to be expected but I have no one to chat to about all the stress that comes with my husband dying. 

I don't know what to expect from posting this but maybe I'm just asking does it get easier, probably not? I am thinking about moving away and starting again but that scares me. I've never been accepted at anything and this is probably safe to say that I'm a loner. This doesn't really bother me but I would like to speak to other people who have gone through something similar. I was told by a work colleague to maybe try the dating website but that's not what I'm looking for. I'm just wanting to make connections with people who can help me feel human again but nothing romantic. There is no family on my side to talk to and my husband's family made me feel that I wasn't welcome. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this and any help/advice would be greatly appreciated. 

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. A few thoughts on your post:

- For most and most likely for you as well, yes, it does get easier...but it takes time. It's one of the oldest cliches in the book but "take it a day at a time." Today is enough. Don't worry about tomorrow or a week from Tuesday or next month etc (within reasonable limits of course, like taking care of things you have to such as wills etc).

- In my humblest opinion, it is best not to make any big decisions or changes - like moving - right off. Your situation and mindset is probably quite chaotic right now; that's not the frame of mind to be in to make a big life-changing decision.

- I'm sure your co-worker meant well, but dating at this point is IMO a horrible idea. You need time to regroup, to heal, to lick your wounds to so speak. That said, I think it is a good idea to get together with family and/or friends as much as you can or feel like it to minimize that terrible feeling of isolation. Of course if you feel like being alone, that's OK too. 

Bottom line: this is YOUR journey. Do what you think works best for you...not what others (who again mean well but haven't a clue) think you should do.

I hope this site can help. It's a great group of people who "get it." 

 

[KayC]

I welcome you here.  I am so sorry for your loss, my husband was five days past his 51st bdy when he died on Father's Day, that was 18 1/2 years ago.  I never thought I'd grow old alone, I figured he had at least 20 years left, nope.

My heart goes out to you in your loss.  The place none of us anticipated being.  We're doing it one day at a time.  Please come here to read and post, it helps, it really does.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

So very sorry for your loss, for losing the most important person in your life.  That is a common theme here on this site.  We all have lost the most important person in our lives.  My wife passed 8 months ago, and I still think this is so surreal.  She was the air that I breathe, my purpose in life.  We understand your anguish.

[Bob1948]

I too can relate to your loss. In January 2024, I lost my wife of 54 years to cancer.  It was 8 months from diagnosis to death.  In the first 2 weeks after she passed I was overwhelmed  with people who wanted to share their condolences.  After a month I went back to volunteering because I needed to get out of the house and among people. I also walk every other day.  I've  always been a quiet sort of person so its sometimes an effort to socialize at the best of times. Even with doing these things, i'm just numb.  Some days I'm an emotional basket case and I dont want to see or hear from anyone. There are other days when I dont know what to do with myself. The worse time is in the evening because this was the time we spent together.

Everything I've read, people I've spoken to and people here  all say it has to be at your own pace. As much as I want it to end I know its a journey not a race.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your tremendous loss.  Volunteering is a good move.  I hope you will come here and read and post, it helps to be here with others that get it.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[immortalgypsy]

Sending you love. Easier, I can’t speak to that. I lost my soulmate so easier is not what is happening for me. 87 days out and I am moving forward. I cry less, I am less numb. I would love the numb to stay. I am smarter and I do see forward progress. Again, sending you love and strength. 

[KayC]

20 minutes ago, immortalgypsy said:

Easier, I can’t speak to that.

87 days out, I'm nearly 19 years.  It took me probably five years or so before it got "easier" and that is a relative term, different timeline for everyone.