I've decided to move house

[ThereIsAField]

I don't know if it's the right decision or not, but I think it's something I need to do.

There are good memories too, but also lots of painful ones, associated with this house.

Especially the past 7 years of grieving, where I've felt so stuck, so half-dead myself, have really tainted this house for me.

I feel like I don't have a future here.

The thought of moving is quite daunting and scary. Some days I feel like I can muster the courage, other days I feel like I can't.

I've started packing things in boxes, sorting through things, making piles of stuff to donate, throw out, etc.

I'm not enjoying that work at all. It just feels really depressing and overwhelming.

But I do feel some relief at finally having made a decision and that things are going to change and I'm going to feel less stuck.

[KayC]

I wish I had your bravery, I wish you the best with it.  Do you have any idea where you'll go?

[DWS]

That's quite a bold decision to make. The back and forth of it all is definitely something I'd be doing as well...but I imagine that's something you've been doing for a couple of years. Deciding on a new path is you taking some control over the horrible tragedy that you had no control of. Maybe control over our loss is something that all of us here eventually search for and try to achieve in some way. 

I think one of the things that likely is the scariest is the thought of new surroundings but depending on where you're planning to go (a smaller house, a condo, apartment, shared accommodation), you likely won't be surrounded by total newness. There will still be all of the keepsakes and treasures of your life to keep that sense of comfort.

Is the sorting of things and packing in boxes the first step in this or are you further along at already having listed the house? Just the thought of getting a realtor trudging through my place gives me the shivers!!

[ThereIsAField]

I've found a new place... I've opted for shared accomodation on a farm... I've been isolating so much these last few years, that I think it's a good option. I like the people there, they're down to earth and people I can conceive being friends with.

None of it feels real tho. I'm randomly packing stuff but I feel like I'm in a trance. I'm hoping to have the place ready to let realtors and potential buyers in by summer time.

The house and garden here are just way too big for me to manage on my own... I think it's contributed to a sense of helplessness, overwhelm and depression. Feeling like no matter what I do, it's never enough. And it's so hard to motivate myself when everything feels pointless anyway.

I've been putting off moving for so long, but eventually I guess things got bad enough to reach a breaking point and I realised I had to start taking action, else it would get even worse.

I've let this place go so badly, just stuck in the depths of grief and letting life carry on without me.

Now I have to do all the work that I've left undone for so long. I have no idea how to get it done. I cry a lot and feel like I want to give up a lot, but I know I have to push through this.

I hope that when it's all done, I'll be rewarded with a sense of living a bit lighter, with a big burden removed from my shoulders.

And I hope that living in shared accomodation with nice people will force me to partake in normal life interactions again.

[ThereIsAField]

One thing I'm finding "interesting" is that I used to be much more attached to my possessions. Since losing my soulmate and my sense of being alive, possessions have come to matter very little. I'm finding it quite easy to let go of stuff and just get rid of it. I'm sick of so many possessions.

[LMR]

I'm familiar with that feeling of being in a trance from my own move. I have vague memories of wandering around at 3am with a binbag. Moving continents made it necessary to pare everything down and I kept only those things with an emotional attachment, including most of his clothes! I think I just couldn't accept the idea that he wouldn't need them again. Somedays I sensibly tell myself what an idiot I am, but they're still here.

I wish you well. As you aren't moving too far away I'm fairly confident this will be a good move for you.

[DWS]

2 hours ago, ThereIsAField said:

And I hope that living in shared accomodation with nice people will force me to partake in normal life interactions again.

Shared accommodation on a farm actually sounds quite wonderful to me! As difficult and onerous this will be for you, it certainly sounds like a very appealing new place to go to. But, as you say, the hard task of going through things awaits. 

2 hours ago, ThereIsAField said:

One thing I'm finding "interesting" is that I used to be much more attached to my possessions. Since losing my soulmate and my sense of being alive, possessions have come to matter very little. I'm finding it quite easy to let go of stuff and just get rid of it. I'm sick of so many possessions.

All of that is what I alluded to in my "uncluttering/decluttering" thread that I started a few months back. What a task that is but it's interesting to hear that you've reached that part of letting go. During my grief time, I found myself watching many videos on minimalism and feeling all of that out for myself. A couple of weeks ago, I noticed some empty party platters sitting in one of the closets. Do I need those now? Do I need 20+ wine glasses? Will I ever plan a large gathering here again or is it time to let all of that go? Tough questions for us to face!

[Jemiga70]

22 hours ago, ThereIsAField said:

None of it feels real tho. I'm randomly packing stuff but I feel like I'm in a trance.

Wishing you the best with your move.  I have to say that I resonate with much of what you write in this thread and in your other posts, so thanks for sharing.  I know that trancelike feeling well, and I know what you mean about not giving a carp about material possessions much anymore.  I was forced to move a few months after she passed; that was traumatic -  the move I mean, on top of the other trauma.  Then a year later I decided to leave Asia (with our cat) permanently and ship our household goods to my parents' house, where I've been living for almost 2 years.  I could buy my own place tomorrow if I wanted to, but the utter loneliness would probably kill me, even with our / my cat.  My folks just crested 80 so in a way it's good I'm there to pick up the slack and watch out for them. Plus, with them in the house the loneliness isn't as brutal. If I do leave at some point, I wouldn't rule out shared accommodation, not so much to save $$ but rather to stave off loneliness.

I hope being in a house with others gives you some of what you need.

[Boggled]

On 3/2/2024 at 4:14 AM, ThereIsAField said:

I feel like I don't have a future here.

To me, "future" seems to be just waiting to die to join my husband ... but I don't WANT to die!  To me, this sense you have, that "future" is a PLACE, that the PLACE makes a difference, is, in itself, hopeful.

I'm in a beautiful but very isolated PLACE that we chose 20 years ago so it's not about PLACE, for me.  It's more about figuring out who I am, and now, just my stuff and my doings that are so very few at this point, that I have to take guesses at ... and ACT UPON which, without my husband, is strange to me, (my latest mantra is just "into the strangeitude!") ... but we have to take some steps, baby steps or big steps, for you this is a BIG STEP!  I am sure you have pondered and thought about it and really, it's great that there is this farm with people who hopefully will be good in some way for you!    People are people, IMHO be as cautious as possible still even though it sounds as though you are "throwing in" with people you have probably vetted as much as possible.    Best wishes to you ThereIsAField.

[ThereIsAField]

20 minutes ago, Boggled said:

To me, "future" seems to be just waiting to die to join my husband ... but I don't WANT to die!  To me, this sense you have, that "future" is a PLACE, that the PLACE makes a difference, is, in itself, hopeful.

Heh... you're totally overestimating me... I too feel like I'm just waiting to die... And I have NO idea whether a change of place/ setting will put a dent in that at all... I guess deciding to move is kind of an act of desperation... I can tell I'm not going to get unstuck here... So mixing it up and trying something different seems better (less-worse) than going around in the ever same circles...?

52 minutes ago, Jemiga70 said:

I hope being in a house with others gives you some of what you need.

Thanks, I hope so. I think I've been very lucky to find this place... Like everything in life, it's a mixture of positives and negatives, but a) it really fits me and my current situation and b) the people there are really down to earth, genuine, kind, have a sense of humour and are respecting of each other's space.

 

20 hours ago, DWS said:

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed some empty party platters sitting in one of the closets. Do I need those now? Do I need 20+ wine glasses? Will I ever plan a large gathering here again or is it time to let all of that go? Tough questions for us to face!

Yeah. This grieving thing is such a weird best. (Complicated grief, in my case.) Such a weird mixture of depression and acceptance. When I was younger, I wanted to be "so many things". Now, I'm happy just to make it through each day and what I need for that is ridiculously few possesions. If moving wasn't forcing me to address the question of what do I keep/ what don't I keep, I'm sure all of these now redundant possessions would have just stayed, cluttering up my space endlessly. But moving is sort of forcing me to decide. Also, I live on the ground floor currently, but where I'm moving to is on the 2nd floor and I have to carry everything up 2 flights of stairs. When I took the first trailer load of stuff there, I swore to myself to be more determined about sorting things out, because every "oh maybe I'll keep this" was going to be lugged up those stairs by me personally.

I'm still finding that I'm keeping quite a few "maybes" because my brain just can't cope with deciding everything right now. There's a few boxes of "stuff" that I'm taking to the new place and will be able to sort through there, at my leisure, once the move is done.

21 hours ago, LMR said:

I'm familiar with that feeling of being in a trance from my own move. I have vague memories of wandering around at 3am with a binbag.

Right... I can't seem to concentrate and make proper plans... I just keep doing random tasks... I guess in the end, I'll get it all done, but it's such a weird process. I used to be someone who'd make plans, organise everything, number things, have backup plans... Heh, a control freak? Now my brain is just all "Ugh, whatever..." and I'm just trying to keep going and trying to trust that it's for the best, somehow.

[Sar123]

2 hours ago, ThereIsAField said:

Such a weird mixture of depression and acceptance. 

This is where I find myself in year two. My depression is like a low grade fever - not horrible but just enough where I don’t enjoy things much although there is the exception of my 22 month old grandson who I only see on video calls. Year 2 is like waking up from a nightmare and finding the nightmare is real then having to accept that my husband is gone and that I will miss him forever. My biggest hurdle right now is finding a purpose in life. I haven’t found anyplace I want to volunteer yet, but I am looking.  It’s just hard figuring out what I need to do next to get out of this funk I’ve been in now for several weeks.

 I hope to be where you’re at in the next couple of years when it comes to moving. I know I will have to at some point because this house is too big for me to keep up, and like you, I’ve let things go.I’m starting to donate and throw out things again, but I have a long way to go in that department. My motivation is to not leave a huge mess for my kids to clean up if something was to happen to me.

Good luck to you in your move:)

[HisMunchkin]

I wish you the best of luck, ThereIsAField!  It sounds like it would be a welcome change and it might turn out very good for your mental health!  Keep us posted?