Addict Wife

[Jim1982]

I need to vent. My name is Jim.

I miss my wife. I left her two years ago. She gave our kids to CPS within a week of my leaving. She became a crack-cocaine addict. She has been on crack continuously since July 2022. Her advanced cognitive processes are burnt. She's like an animal now. She sells her body for crack every day. 

I am getting our kids in mid-May. I relocated 1600 kms away when I split so CPS is sending the kids to me.

I cried today, for half an hour. I sobbed and it was loud. I haven't cried like that since my Mom's funeral in 2012. I have a headache from it. I get headaches easily as I have a brain injury. 

I dreamed about cuddling with my kids so I woke up disappointed this morning. Then I saw my email. She made a new account (again) and sent me another long, angry, rambling letter. It was the first time I heard from her in almost a year. These two happenings combined and made me break.

I love my wife still. Due to all the men she has slept with and due to the constant fighting in the household before I left her, I will never let her in my home again. An old man from Alcoholics Anonymous told me maybe someday she'll get better and I can have her back. I didn't argue with him but I knew it was a fantasy. She is sexually repulsive to me now and she is definitely still aggressive in the home. I know this because she has done no programming to fix her aggression.

My heart is broken. My romantic love went with her, the last of it. I am old enough that I am beginning to feel tired. Dating sounds as fun as a beating. I am emotionally cold as well, with everyone except my kids.

I am a veteran. I do not work due to my injuries. My life will be fully devoted to my children. I'll be about 60-years old when my kids leave the nest. I will spend my last years gardening, fishing, and hunting. Peace and solitude, followed by a lonely death in my old age. Due to my smoking, obesity, injuries, and all the drinking I did, I expect to die shortly after my kids move out.

I miss my wife. I love my wife still. She was my only one I ever had. I never had a long-term relationship other than her. She was a sexy, young girl when we met. She was 20, I was 35. She was beautiful, a head-turner. She was my prize. She set right all the years I spent alone. I never had great sex before her or since. I never got to date a pretty girl. She gave me all the things I missed out on.

I see her in my dreams a lot. Always the same dream about me trying to find her and get her to come home, and she always runs off. 

She broke me. I have no joy except the tiny bits I force out to make my kids feel okay. I never have a positive emotion. I rarely have a negative emotion. Therapy seems to be helping though.

I have her image I chase in my dreams. I have the remainder of my life to spend first with my kids and then alone. I have these tears which came back just now.

I love you, Carolynne. I love you and I hate you and I miss you. 

[KayC]

And I don't blame you for all of the above.  I am so sorry.   You have your kids then?  

[Jim1982]

5 minutes ago, KayC said:

And I don't blame you for all of the above.  I am so sorry.   You have your kids then?  

Date of Return is in mid-May. I did everything CPS wanted, plus I had to pay $9,000 in trips because I had to "gradually increase custody" but from a long distance. The last trip was here in our new home. They left again last week.

10 weeks of AA meetings and gym will make the time fly by. I'm all messed up mentally from the kids leaving again. Good habits will help me.

[KayC]

Just remember why you're doing this, the kids are worth it.

[KayC]

@Jim1982 How are you doing?