The person I loved most ever was taken from me

[vvjoris]

I had met her purely by coincidence, she came with me to my home, stayed a few days, and went to her kids. That time I had hope in my heart she'd come back, and she did, and stayed till death did us part. We had planned to get married but didn't proceed yet.

The wedding would have been a celebration of our tight love, the confirmation we had endless good feelings for each other. There was no real need for it, but it would have been the cherry on the cake. I'm not exactly young (64) I had other relationships before, but never like with Rose. It wasn't perfect, we had many fights but always ended up lying close to each other,  The bond was very strong, and I believe it still is, while even before I didn't believe in the afterlife, I do now. I think she is looking at what I am doing....

Previous relationships all seem to have been incomplete, and now my relationship is also incomplete as we couldn't do all the things we had planned to do, especially travel, she liked that so much. It's different, I am rather a rational man, but I never been so emotional as in the past weeks.  I am so hurt. I am asking myself why God let this happen while we were both so happy in our relationship. I'm sorry to say I don't believe God is good, and the explanation "it's a trial" is complete nonsense to me, I had trials enough in my life. That girl healed me and showed me the right way to go. I did the same for her, and I followed her, she followed me. I did my best to co care her 6 kids, esp the youngest ones. and my promise to her before she died was that I would keep on taking care of the kids.

Shortly after new year, she got sick, and it became more and more serious, we had to go to the hospital. Before, she had a medical checkup done and got TB meds. There were not at all enough indicators she'd have TB. In the hospital, it was established she had pneumonia, bacterial. They gave her antibiotics. She had breathing problems. Research shows the TB meds of which the doctors had said she needed to keep on taking them in combination with the new meds cause more breathing problems.  She looked at me with wide open eyes and said "I die now", and shortly after she stopped breathing.

She is always on my mind, but so is the situation she died in, as I'm sure she didn't have to die, and I blame myself for not bringing her to a better hospital, no matter the cost.

I just don't know how to get over this.

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry you lost your person.  We welcome you here among others who get it, and hope you'll continue to come here to read and post.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  Most all of us go through all of the "what ifs" in early grief in an effort to find some different possible ending as the one that happened is unfathomable....only to find there really is only one outcome and that's the outcome that happened.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

• (((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

  
  I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
  Guilt and Regret in Grief
  Grief and the Burden of Guilt
  Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
  Address Guilt When Grieving
  and this video is helpful as well

[AJ4]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  It sounds like you were very happy together and I know that it's not fair that that happiness was taken from you.  I know it's hard to avoid feelings of guilt, but please don't blame yourself.  You did the best you could with what you knew at the time.  The hospital should have also done their best, and if they did not, that is NOT your fault.  And some times people just die even with the best care available, or we'd all live forever.    

[DWS]

6 hours ago, vvjoris said:

Previous relationships all seem to have been incomplete, and now my relationship is also incomplete as we couldn't do all the things we had planned to do, especially travel, she liked that so much. It's different, I am rather a rational man, but I never been so emotional as in the past weeks.  I am so hurt.

My heart truly goes out to you on the greatest loss to you and your girlfriend's six kids. I am hoping that all of you have been able to find some comfort at this terrible and confusing time. Your story of finally finding your truest love in life after the disappointment that happened in previous relationships hits me hard. That is my story as well and sadly, I also lost my partner after enjoying four short years together. It's unjust and so cruel. 

Hopefully, you have some support around you...someone who is aware and listening to your deeply broken heart. You also have friends here who will listen and acknowledge all that you've lost. Try to be kind to yourself. That's one of the most important things during this time. Try to calm your guilt and not beat yourself up for being too emotional. The grief you have now is the continuing love you have for her. You may think that the relationship is now incomplete but in time, you will realize how it still continues. Yes, it's not happening as it was supposed to and that hurts like hell but your heart-to-heart connection with her has not ended...not by a long shot. 

[JonathanFive]

7 hours ago, vvjoris said:

She looked at me with wide open eyes and said "I die now", and shortly after she stopped breathing.

 

I am so sorry for your loss.  That is absolutely traumatizing.  Be strong.  Take care of yourself, and try to separate your emotions a little, from the final moments.  Let that go

 

[Boggled]

9 hours ago, vvjoris said:

I'm not exactly young (64) I had other relationships before, but never like with Rose. It wasn't perfect, we had many fights but always ended up lying close to each other,  The bond was very strong, and I believe it still is, while even before I didn't believe in the afterlife, I do now. I think she is looking at what I am doing....

I felt this more in the beginning.   I do now, too.   I think and hope, that the intertwined bonds between my husband and me do carry on, right through the "veil."  I am sorry you have to go through this, vvjoris!   For me, it's been the hardest experience I ever want to go through, certainly the hardest I've ever had to go through!  It's horrible.  For me, the PAIN was what I wanted to stop;  mostly it has, but it took a long time and a lot of all kinds of things, many books read, (they didn't help MUCH but you do want to read on what has helped others), meditating (helped a little) reading on the internet  ... KayC's list is good (above).  All you can do, take one hour, one minute, one day at a time.

[vvjoris]

12 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I am so sorry for your loss.  That is absolutely traumatizing.  Be strong.  Take care of yourself, and try to separate your emotions a little, from the final moments.  Let that go

 

It was indeed shocking and traumatizing she repeatedly said "I die now". I didn't believe it at first, I thought she was panicking, she was on an oxygen cylinder after all, but the issue was she didn't absorb enough oxygen in her lungs. She must have realised that. I see her looking at me with her brown eyes wide open at least 50 times per day. I wonder if this will ever go over, as I don't think I can live like this very much longer. What kind of life do I have if all the time I think about and I see my beloved girl that is gone now. I follow the advice given here, it helps, but it wont bring her back.... I'm thinking I'd better die also, but whats in the song "Suicide is painless", I don't really believe...

[Marq]

On 2/28/2024 at 10:34 PM, vvjoris said:

I had met her purely by coincidence, she came with me to my home, stayed a few days, and went to her kids. That time I had hope in my heart she'd come back, and she did, and stayed till death did us part. We had planned to get married but didn't proceed yet.

The wedding would have been a celebration of our tight love, the confirmation we had endless good feelings for each other. There was no real need for it, but it would have been the cherry on the cake. I'm not exactly young (64) I had other relationships before, but never like with Rose. It wasn't perfect, we had many fights but always ended up lying close to each other,  The bond was very strong, and I believe it still is, while even before I didn't believe in the afterlife, I do now. I think she is looking at what I am doing....

Previous relationships all seem to have been incomplete, and now my relationship is also incomplete as we couldn't do all the things we had planned to do, especially travel, she liked that so much. It's different, I am rather a rational man, but I never been so emotional as in the past weeks.  I am so hurt. I am asking myself why God let this happen while we were both so happy in our relationship. I'm sorry to say I don't believe God is good, and the explanation "it's a trial" is complete nonsense to me, I had trials enough in my life. That girl healed me and showed me the right way to go. I did the same for her, and I followed her, she followed me. I did my best to co care her 6 kids, esp the youngest ones. and my promise to her before she died was that I would keep on taking care of the kids.

Shortly after new year, she got sick, and it became more and more serious, we had to go to the hospital. Before, she had a medical checkup done and got TB meds. There were not at all enough indicators she'd have TB. In the hospital, it was established she had pneumonia, bacterial. They gave her antibiotics. She had breathing problems. Research shows the TB meds of which the doctors had said she needed to keep on taking them in combination with the new meds cause more breathing problems.  She looked at me with wide open eyes and said "I die now", and shortly after she stopped breathing.

She is always on my mind, but so is the situation she died in, as I'm sure she didn't have to die, and I blame myself for not bringing her to a better hospital, no matter the cost.

I just don't know how to get over this.

 

I am so sorry.  It is terrible and’s unfair

[vvjoris]

6 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

I do believe that love and connection carries on & is with us always.

Although I am not a religious person, the bond will always be there, and she will always be in my heart. I talk to her, I write to her, but I am so sad she can not answer, unless in my imagination. That makes it even more difficult than it is already. 

I count the days since she died, I ask myself how long will I grieve, and I am quite shocked some people here are talking about multiple months, even years of grief. What kind of life do I have if I am unhappy all the time because I miss her so much?

[KayC]

And even if one is not religious, who is to say where they are, what they're doing?  I like watching videos of the great unknown, the galaxies beyond...the more we learn about them the more we realize how finite and tiny we and our planet really are.  We get caught up in what is going on around us, politics, prices, climate change, etc. but really, there is so much more out there that we don't know!  It helps me believe anything is possible and I continue to talk to George, of course when he starts to answer me back you can have me committed...except you all will be right there with me!

[JoeSzy]

Man I'm so sorry to hear that. There's so much of what you said that was similar to me. I'm in my 40s and I was with the love of my life for under 6 years before I lost her to lymphoma and pneumonia. I'm not religious but she was the one thing that almost made me believe so yeah the thought of it being some kind of a test makes me furious... We went through so much to be together and then to lose her I'm sure will mess me up for the rest of my life. I also wish I'd done something different when she was at the hospital. I hope you find some peace.

[KayC]

@JoeSzy Welcome here!  I hope you'll continue to read and post, it helps, esp. since this is a place one can know they're heard and understood by others that get it.  Change names, dates, details, we're all going through similar, different timelines.  Like a family from all over the world.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.