I lost the love of my life on valentine's day

[littlemamas]

I want to keep myself anonymous but I lost the love of my life and the sweetest boy I had ever met on Valentine's day. Before him I was in the most toxic relationship(where my ex was cheating on me on a daily basis and I lost myself in that relationship) I kept going back to my ex for 2 years before I finally called it quits. The male figures in my family were not the best too my brother blocked me and my father never used to keep his promises. My sweet boyfriend used to keep all of his promises and he passed away right after his first chemo session. I am so hurt. I am asking myself why did God let this happen knowing damn well he made me soooo happy. That boy healed me and showed me what true love was. He was so sweet that I used to call him my sweet baby and he used to call me Mamas that is where my nickname comes from. I miss him so much. My heart is broken into small pieces. I grew up in a house where my mum used to call me a hoe and made me feel like no man would ever want me . But he wanted me and he wanted all of me. I had stopped thinking about marriage right after my toxic relationship but with him I ready to get married to him whenever. I used to be scared of getting married because of my parents marriage and how toxic it was. He was reassuring and kind. I now have friend getting engaged and married and I am like surely he would have proposed to me if he was still here. I was lowkey about my relationship. I never posted us. I don't know where this cancer came from. I know he was in so much pain and I am glad that he is no longer in pain but I miss him. I keep thinking of what we could have been. I had planned on spending the summer with him and now he is gone forever. We had been talking for a year and dating for 7 months and it hurts really bad. I am trying to think of what I can do with my life now that he is gone and I can't think of anything. He was my favourite person, the rainbow in my dark cloud and now I am back again to square one. I am hurting so bad I am like they should hvae taken me with him.
These are just the thoughts going through my mind. I miss him everyday.

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  Nothing harder.  Welcome here, it helps to come here to read and post.  Details may vary, but we get what you're going through to some degreee or another. 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Marq]

i am so sorry.   its horrible and makes no sense

[JonathanFive]

Welcome, I am very sorry for your loss
 

I can empathize with you, “feeling like somewhat of an outcast,” and then finding somebody that made you feel, “ok, great, better,” and then losing that magical person

No doubt, it is heartbreaking.  Hugs to you

Keep reading the board, again I’m sorry for your loss

 

[littlemamas]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry.  Nothing harder.  Welcome here, it helps to come here to read and post.  Details may vary, but we get what you're going through to some degreee or another. 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

Thank you for your kind and sweet word😔 the list has really been helpful and is making sense.

[KayC]

There isn't a timeline for anything, everyone's journey is unique.  Hang onto the list as what will speak to you one time will be different another time.  My heart goes out to you, this is really difficult in the beginning.  I remember listening to his music, making a large collage of his pictures by timeline, which I used at his memorial, I still have it nearly 19 years later.  God bless you.  There will be others along shortly.

[AzgirlUK]

I am terribly sorry for your loss. It will be three months tomorrow that my husband died. I'm learning to just try to take everything day by day, I hope as the days move by that your pain will lessen. But, it's a long road. I'm think I'm feeling a bit down myself. But, God bless and take it day by day.

[littlemamas]

1 hour ago, Sim7079 said:

So sorry for your loss @littlemamas. It is the hardest thing in this world losing the one you love so much, your favourite person - no other pain like it.

The sorrow and heartbreak we can all relate to on this board, but of course everyone’s grief and journey is unique.

Hoping you have a good support system of friends and family, that really helped me in the early months and the first year of pain when it is so raw. Walking in nature also helped. It’s just over two and half years since I lost the love of my life and I just take one day at a time as the pain and heartbreak is always there, just some days I can carry it better & do everyday things & other days I can’t!

Keep posting here as it does help too.

 

 

I’ve had some friends who have said some really mean things but I do have a great support system😔 I will eventually get a tattoo in his memory. When I tell my friends about the tattoo they are like oh what is your future husband going to think about the tattoo… like how can you even think about me in a relationship knowing damn well I just lost the person I was supposed to get married to eventually. 
Im hurting because of him I started thinking about marriage again now that he’s gone what do I do with all those plans and feelings😔 I finally had a man who loved me and was obsessed with me and I was going to be able to tell my mum that someone wanted me😔 now he is gone forever. My friends are treating it as if it’s a regular breakup but it’s not. If he was still here we were going to be together I know that😔 …

[KayC]

I got a tat with George and my symbol and sentiment.  

It is so hard when they're here, our soulmate, and then they're gone.  Don't listen to the naysayers.

[Marq]

4 hours ago, littlemamas said:

I’ve had some friends who have said some really mean things but I do have a great support system😔 I will eventually get a tattoo in his memory. When I tell my friends about the tattoo they are like oh what is your future husband going to think about the tattoo… like how can you even think about me in a relationship knowing damn well I just lost the person I was supposed to get married to eventually. 
Im hurting because of him I started thinking about marriage again now that he’s gone what do I do with all those plans and feelings😔 I finally had a man who loved me and was obsessed with me and I was going to be able to tell my mum that someone wanted me😔 now he is gone forever. My friends are treating it as if it’s a regular breakup but it’s not. If he was still here we were going to be together I know that😔 …

Friend and family say painful things when trying to say something kind.  I listen to my parents complain about each other and want to shake them.  I want them to love each other and hold each other.  Life is finite.   
 

Get your tattoo!  I’m thinking of doing the same.  No one knows what the future holds.  But we know our past, and we know our present.  And our past and present includes our love.  I’m not letting that go

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

5 hours ago, Marq said:

Get your tattoo!  I’m thinking of doing the same.

Yes, get the tattoo.  I will be doing the same, also, around summer time I think.  Our sons like the idea.  

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Marq said:

I listen to my parents complain about each other and want to shake them.

When my mom came home from my dad's funeral she started throwing his clothes and things out!  I was shocked.

[Jemiga70]

On 2/28/2024 at 5:01 AM, littlemamas said:

When I tell my friends about the tattoo they are like oh what is your future husband going to think about the tattoo

I got a watercolor portrait of her on my upper right shoulder blade.  I tell people she literally has my back.  If anyone else should come into my life in an intimate way, they're just going to have to accept the tattoo.  If they can't, then it's not the right person.

 

[littlemamas]

2 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

I got a watercolor portrait of her on my upper right shoulder blade.  I tell people she literally has my back.  If anyone else should come into my life in an intimate way, they're just going to have to accept the tattoo.  If they can't, then it's not the right person.

 

I agree and that’s what I tell myself. But he kept all of his promises called me the love of his life and kept his word😔 I want to keep my word too. I’m not in a hurry to meet somebody else and whatever but I agree if your new partner is not comfortable with your past you should leave.

[JonathanFive]

I can't even fathom dating on any sort of casual let alone serious level right now.   The thought of being with somebody else is, "so far down on the list of, (items, emotions, and changes), that I am trying to work through."

I agree that, "if somebody can't accept a former lover," than they are not the right person. That being said, "my older buddy "J" said something smart to me."  

He told me that if I meet someone else in the future, I should just say that Ricki and I were partners, I loved him very much, will always love him, and miss him, of course.  I don't have to tell the next partner, "he was my only true soulmate."   

A. Somebody just may not want to accept that the two of you could never be, "soulmates."

B. You don't have any idea what a relationship can turn into.

C. I'm quite aware, "soulmate," is once in a lifetime ---   if you are that lucky.   I've had several people tell me in the last 3 months how they have not had a, "soulmate."

Btw, full disclosure, one of my younger friends, "lol" my age friend, said, "J" was wrong to say that.  I don't think so - ymmv

[Jemiga70]

14 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I can't even fathom dating on any sort of casual let alone serious level right now.   The thought of being with somebody else is, "so far down on the list of, (items, emotions, and changes), that I am trying to work through."

Your grief is still so raw, so I totally get it, but honestly I can't fathom it either and I'm nearly 3 years in. I'm okay with that.  I'm not looking.  Actually the whole idea of dating fills me with dread anyhow. I won't do it.

However, life happens, and people just show up - sometimes unexpectedly.  Often, things I've never expected to happen will happen and conversely what I've expected to happen never does.  Sometimes I wonder if people can have more than 1 soulmate.

[KayC]

I did NOT have them in my other marriages, only with George.

#1 Monster
#2 Controller, cold, emotionally abusive
#3 My soulmate, George
#4 Huge mistake, never lived with me, preyed on me financially, still paying for it.

Do not "settle," wait for the right one or cherish your memories.  And above all do NOT do it in grief fog.  It's not rebuilding your life, it's doing it in.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

On 3/3/2024 at 10:41 PM, Jemiga70 said:

Sometimes I wonder if people can have more than 1 soulmate.

I have a couple of friends who have lost their spouses many years ago, and in the last couple of years, have met someone new to share their lives with.  Happy for them.  It’s not something I envision for myself.  Part of that is I don’t know if I could go through the pain of another loss again.  Might be selfish of me, but that’s where my mind is at now.  

[KayC]

That is a consideration.  I remember when my GF was considering it, she'd met someone wonderful a few years after her husband died.  I told her if she doesn't go for it she might never know what she'd missed.  She took the leap, moved to TX to be with him, they married and they've been happy ever since, both of them following loss.  It's been about ten years or so.  I am so glad she took that plunge, and she's closer to her family so if anything happens, they'll be there.  I never met that someone and think it too late for me now, I'd be shocked if I did but am very happy for them.

[JonathanFive]

5 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

 Part of that is I don’t know if I could go through the pain of another loss again.  

Yeah, I cannot go through this again.  I have a feeling this is going to get me in 50s.   Sometime in my, "late 50s," I am sure to die, hopefully in my sleep, over this heartbreak

[KayC]

3 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

Yeah, I cannot go through this again.  I have a feeling this is going to get me in 50s.   Sometime in my, "late 50s," I am sure to die, hopefully in my sleep, over this heartbreak

If someone was to die of heartbreak, surely I would have.  No such luck.  I'll live into my 90s, I just know it. 🥺

[JonathanFive]

19 minutes ago, KayC said:

If someone was to die of heartbreak, surely I would have.  No such luck.  I'll live into my 90s, I just know it. 🥺

I've had such a hard day, going over in my head, "I want him back, I want him back."

???????   There is no way to get him back.

[Jemiga70]

It's hard for me to go a day without talking to her, either in my mind or out loud if I'm alone.  It's not a constant all day long thing and I'm not obsessive - I just miss her so much and I miss our conversation.  I just cannot see how this is going to change in another year, or 5, or 10, or ever.

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, Jemiga70 said:

I just cannot see how this is going to change in another year, or 5, or 10, or ever.

@Jemiga70 I feel the same as you over losing Vickie. We came together both with bad past relationships and both of our lives changed for the better together. We were so content together i cannot imagine a day forward without her on my mind missing her so much. My life is now day to day loneliness that I don't see changing. Being able to voice my thoughts here does help maintain my sanity. 

[littlemamas]

6 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

@Jemiga70 I feel the same as you over losing Vickie. We came together both with bad past relationships and both of our lives changed for the better together. We were so content together i cannot imagine a day forward without her on my mind missing her so much. My life is now day to day loneliness that I don't see changing. Being able to voice my thoughts here does help maintain my sanity. 

I feel the same as you

me and my sweet baby both we’re coming from toxic relationships. We had so much love to give that that’s what we were only doing. We used to talk to each other everyday. Sleep on the phone everyday. Even if we had nothing to say we will have long FaceTime calls of 18hours from when him or I get off work till the next morning when him or I have to go back to work. Now I have no body to tell my daily stories to. He was so cute and kind he would always send me cute messages. I’m sad cancer came and took him away from me. I was so content with him he was sweet,kind, a lover boy and only had eyes for me😔 it’s not been 3 weeks since he’s passed away 

and I make videos daily to tell him about what he’s missed . We weren’t done loving each other.

i totally can relate to how you feel

[KayC]

I am so sorry you are here instead of being with him doing something you enjoy. 

[7779311]

On 3/6/2024 at 4:47 AM, littlemamas said:

We weren’t done loving each other.

You are so right. I shared 29 years with my husband, and we weren't done loving each other, either. I'm sorry you're going through this.