Lost my mom 5 days after Christmas from cancer In a span of 3 months now I'm grieving and now have anxiety and panic attacks about her and death

[lovemom1994]

Hi this is my first post so my mom was diagnosed with cancer of the kidneys 3 months ago and it spread to her bones and spine she really couldn't do much radiation for the tumors cause it would leave her very exhausted but her pain was unbearable she would scream in pain and cry and cry and I would take care of her 24/7. She also had to get hip surgery cause her hip broke and once that happen we thought maybe that would help with her walking but it only lasted like 2 weeks. Her tumors in her spine shifted her spine making her paralyzed from the waist down so now we had her in her bed they cause she couldn't move from her waist no more plus with all the cancer she really didn't have that much power anymore I cleaned her I fed her when when ever she was hungry which was not alot in her mind she new she was gonna die from the beginning in my mind I had hope but at the same time I knew also that it wasn't looking good but I think shock took over me so it didn't effect me. Anyways after her being at the house for a few weeks her pain got really bad were we didn't know what to do and she told me what should I do should I stay at the house or should I go to the hospital and I really didn't know what to do but in the end we called the ambulance and took her to the hospital. Once she was at the hospital they did new test on her to see how she was doing and they said there was nothing left to do and to put her in hospice. I remember it was Christmas and I was with her that Christmas in the hospital me and her at night my last Christmas together and we were watching the pope give the service and she stayed up all the way up to 2 am with all the pain she was in and all the drugs she had in her and I was next to her the whole time till she fell asleep. In 3 days she was sent to hospice we went with her and once we arrived they gave her a bath we went back to the room and she was joking around and laughing that was the last time I'd see her laugh and make jokes she had hunger and got her a Italian beef her fav food which would be her last meal we thought she would be good so I was going home and my brother stayed with her and literally 30 minutes going home I got a text from my brother saying the nurses say she doesn't have much time left and I had a feeling while going home I was gonna get that message. I went back and she was completely different she was in so much pain they had to give her alot of morphine she still was talking but it was not like how she was talking earlier I talked to her and I broke down and cried in her arms cause I knee it was getting closer. The next day she woke up and she was looking around confused and saying let's go home let's go home my brother said yes we're gonna go home and she smiled but it was sad smile and thst image will never ever go outta my mind and then she went back to her sleep and that was the last time I'll see her with her eyes open. I never liked how she was breathing in the end with rattle snake breathing. And then by next morning I saw her take her last breath and she was gone yet I didn't cry idk why I didn't I think I was in shock thru all of this process of her cancer from taking care of her and everything. Once It was her funeral everybody was crying except me idk why and idk why I have guilt for that the only time I cried was once they closed the casket on my mom. After all that it was just me and my dad at the house its just so lonely and quiet I miss her so much and now I got anxiety and panic attacks cause of all this it's so hard I get em because I miss her and I'm not use for her to be gone I was always with her 24/7. I also get anxiety and panic cause I think either I'm dying from it or I'm gonna die I think I'm just scared and have fear after seeing everything my mom went thru. And now I don't have nobody to really check on me like how she would check on me. I've even gone to see the Dr to get a checkup and they checked my heart and blood and everything came back normal the only thing was I had somewhat high blood pressure and he gave me Xanax but other than that I was good but I never feel good. I'm sorry if this was so long but I haven't really expressed to really nobody what I feel until I found this place hopefully someone reads this and either could help me or I can help them

[Traz]

Hi lovemom1994,

I'm so sorry your lost your mom to cancer and right at Christmas too. My dad was in the hospital, sick from cancer over Christmas and died New Year's Eve. I'm sorry that you had to watch your mom suffer with so much pain. Cancer is cruel. 

Please don't worry or feel guilty about not crying at first. It took me about 6 months to be able to release my emotions. I think shock was the reason and it's pretty common. You'll hear this a million times, but everyone experiences grief in their own way and in their own time. 

After my mom died, I started watching YouTube videos about Near Death Experiences. It brought me so much peace and changed my feelings about death. Out of everything that I tried to help my grief, hearing other people's stories about the afterlife was the most healing. That's just a suggestion, but there are books on Amazon about grief, podcasts and possibly support groups within your community. 

You mentioned you are living with just your Dad now? Is it possible to express your feelings or share the grief between yourselves? Do you have siblings, friends or co-workers you could reach out to?

I'm glad you went to the doctor and maybe he could suggest a grief counsellor down the road if you're still having difficulty. Losing a parent we love is one of the hardest things we go through during our time here. You are definitely not alone that way. Keep reaching out here too. There are so many going through the same thing. 

Take care, sending  hugs 💗

[Tedd23]

I can't fully comprehend the depth of your pain, but your words echo a profound journey of love, loss, and the overwhelming void left behind. Your strength in caring for your mom is evident, and the complexities of grief and anxiety are truly challenging. It's okay not to have all the answers and to feel a range of emotions. Seeking support, whether through professional counseling or sharing your thoughts here, is a courageous step. Your mother's memory will always be a part of you, and it's okay to grieve in your own time and way. You are not alone, and your feelings are valid. Take one step at a time, and consider reaching out to others who may share similar experiences. You deserve care and support as you navigate through this difficult time.