Hello, anyone here from 2015?

[silverkitties]

I started here in February 2015, some 4 months after my mom died on October 4, 2014. 
 

I was phenomenally depressed as I was closest to her. When I lost her, I lost my world. 
 

Anyway, I’m wondering how all of you are doing—Missionblue, Reader, May, Everly, Mariesgirl. I know there are a few others whose identities I clearly remember but not their names. There was one terrific lady down in Australia. 
 

I can’t help but think the 10th anniversary of our parents’ passing is approaching. I hope all of you are doing better! I know I still have some rough days when I tend to think of my mom—like when one of my cats died unexpectedly last May. 
 

In the meantime, I’ve written some articles on Medium about my experience with grief. The first was boosted which meant the powers that be deemed it worthy of wider distribution. 

https://medium.com/thirty-over-fifty/losing-a-parent-can-still-hurt-when-youre-over-50-c75c6524403f?sk=8aea29d6d97c6ad1730e84015ed1776a

The 2nd piece is about all the weird coincidences I encountered.

https://medium.com/the-wind-phone/the-signs-the-dead-leave-behind-can-comfort-us-a914bce91111?sk=f9a58e80ac2d54868fc918b647c0bdd6

One thing I want to say: I thank everyone here who has been so supportive of me in every way. 

 

[MissionBlue]

Hello, Silver!  I don't check in as often as I used to, or I would have replied sooner.  It's hard to believe it's almost ten years since we joined the forum.  I am doing better, but I still miss my dad very much and always will. 

You may recall I was preparing to sell my childhood home, the one I shared with my dad for over 50 years.  I'm still here.  Aside from losing my father, moving is the hardest thing I've ever done.  I
think I have a mental block, but it's more than that.  I want to move and start a new life, but I have no idea where to go.  I love San Francisco, the beautiful city of my birth, but I might be priced out.  It would be so much cheaper to live in another state.  California is not called the Golden State for nothing.  Home insurance prices are skyrocketing because of all the wildfires.  I have to move because this home needs more repairs than I can afford on my own, but there have been financial, emotional and other obstacles, such as my housemate being seriously ill.  I find myself being a caregiver yet again! 

I read your articles on Medium.  They were all excellent and moved me to tears.  You are such a gifted writer!  I relate so much to what you went through with your parents.  I also was estranged from a gifted but narcissistic parent who was incapable of unconditional love.  In my case it was my mother, a talented pianist, violinist and music teacher who never gave me music lessons.  That sums it up right there!  I was raised by my father after my parents divorced when I was three.  I stopped seeing my mother when I was five.  This made me much closer to my father than most people who are raised by both parents. So I understand very well how you felt about your dear, wonderful mother. 

I lost both my parents within two months of each other at the end of 2014.  Though I had a little more contact with my mother as an adult, my grief has been focused mainly on my father.  However, recently I was making AI photos of my mother using an app called Reface and I started to miss her for the first time.  I missed the memories I never had with her.  The only meal I can remenber her ever cooking for me was French toast in her hotel room during one of my last visits with her as a young child.  Sadly, she suffered from bipolar disorder, so it wasn't really her fault that she couldn't love me or my dad who was very lovable and a good man.  He was the hero of my life. 

On NPR, I recently heard a Ted Talk by writer Anne Lamott entitled, "12 Truths I Learned from Life and Writing."  She reflects on life, death, and 'learning to endure the beams of love.'  You can view it on YouTube:

She said, "It's so hard to bear when the few people you cannot live without die.  You'll never get over these losses, and no matter what the culture says, you're not supposed to.  We Christians like to think of death as a major change of address, but in any case, the person will live again fully in your heart if you don't seal it off. 

Like Leonard Cohen said, 'There are cracks in everything, and that's how the light gets in.'  And that's how we feel our people again fully alive.

Also, the people will make you laugh out loud at the most inconvenient times, and that's the great good news. But their absence will also be a lifelong nightmare of homesickness for you. 

Grief and friends, time and tears will heal you to some extent.  Tears will bathe and baptize and hydrate and moisturize you and the ground on which you walk. Do you know the first thing that God says to Moses?  He says, 'Take off your shoes.'  Because this is holy ground, all evidence to the contrary.  It's hard to believe, like my tiny personal self, you realize that death is as sacred as birth.

And don't worry. Get on with your life.  Almost every single death is easy and gentle with the very best people surrounding you for as long as you need.  You won't be alone.  They'll help you cross over to whatever awaits us.
As Ram Dass said, 'When all is said and done, we're really just all walking each other home.' "

I wish you the very best, Silver.  Thank you for remembering me.  I hope the other good people we met on here are all doing well and feeling much better than ten years ago.

[silverkitties]

Missionblue!!!!! I saw your name in my claps! It was ironic that you didn’t see the one where I wrote about this group. I didn’t mention anyone by name but I think you can probably guess a few. 

https://medium.com/grief-book-club/how-i-lost-my-mother-and-found-a-healing-community-1c8a5275b89e?sk=1b21165464c585dea16d8ff7c19f86db

 

Btw, this is a friend link so anyone can read it in its entirety. 
 

Everyone here at that time was a lifesaver for me. Because I don’t know if I would have pulled through without our daily conversations. It really was the light of my existence in 2015. 
 

I recall our conversations about your house. I am in a pretty worrisome condition in that I don’t even know if I can pay the rest of my mortgage. I only want to stay there though. I don’t want to move to an apartment because I hate noise. 

There are memories too. I know if I have to move, I’m going to miss Mom all over again. As it was, one of my cats died last year and those memories of her death flooded back. (I still have one left…) 

im going to bed but I plan to watch your video. 

 

[MissionBlue]

I did see your fine article about the group and have left feedback.  I'm brand new to Medium which is a very interesting platform.  

I hope you can stay in your home.  I don't like noise either.  It's been great to live in a detached home with a big yard on a quiet street all these years.  Many homes in San Francisco are built up against each other with small yards, which can be almost like living in an apartment.  Sadly, it's the density of homes in SF which has driven up the price of fire insurance. 

I have many happy memories here, but it's not the same anymore without my loved ones.  My biggest regret is not being able to take my father with me to my new home.   However, that will apply only if I like it better than this one.  If I don't like it, then I will be happy he doesn't have to share my disappointment.

[silverkitties]

Hi Missionblue,

Sorry for the delay in posting! Have you moved already? What is the new house like?

I feel that if I were to move, I would miss my mom all over again. I know this sounds strange, but staying here has made me feel that at least this is one bond that has remained. 
How is Ernesto btw? And his family? 

 

[MissionBlue]

Hi Silverkitties:

I haven't listed my home yet.  I'd rather sell privately than have an open house, because I'm selling "as is".  My home and the cottage are not completely renovated like some of the gorgeous homes on the market, but it has other things going for it.  Fortunately, because it's an extra large parcel, it has a 582% potential for development, according to a site called City Structure.  I have a couple of interested buyers, thanks to Ernesto's connections, but I haven't shown the property to anyone yet.   More clearing out of the premises for us to do.  

Ernesto has had his health problems but he's getting better since his recent surgery.  I took in a boarder for the last six months to help with expenses, and this younger gentleman, a day laborer, just left to return to his wife and family in Mexico.  I was touched that he cried when he said good-bye to me.  He said Ernesto and I felt like family to him.  I felt the same way about him.  He was so sweet, calm and respectful, I cried after he left.  I have never cried at anyone's departure before, except when someone died.  I think someone leaving after being around for an extended period triggers the emotional memory of losing my dad.  

I can understand how you feel that your home is a last remaining bond with your mom. I feel the same way about my home in regards to my dad.  I think that is what is making it so hard to move out.  At the same time, one of the reasons I didn't sell my home before was because I didn't want to stress my dad.  My cousin's elderly father-in-law passed away while moving, even though he wanted to move in with his girlfriend.   He sat down to rest and died on the spot.  If my dad had died during or after moving, I would have been racked with guilt, even more than the survivor guilt and regret I still suffer.

I also couldn't renovate as much as I wanted to, because my dad preferred peace, quiet and privacy.

Now I must sell because I can no longer afford to do more renovations.  I'd rather buy a home that someone else went through the trouble and expense of renovating.