Girlfriend died by suicide

[jwyco12]

Hey everyone, it’s been about two weeks since my gf died by suicide. We had a whole future plan, wedding plans. I have no idea what to do or how to feel anymore. She was my soul mate, my best friend and now I feel so alone. It hurts knowing I’ll never get a text, a call, a hug, or a kiss from her again. If anyone has any guidance please I could use it. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, it is so hard.

I hope you will continue to come here to read and post, it helps as we get it.  Some things vary but one thing we all have in common is missing our person.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[JonathanFive]

I am sorry for your loss.  This forum has helped me in many ways; I am glad to be a part of it.  Read what is here, and it will help. This place has caring people with experience in grieving.

[widower2]

I'm so very sorry. Any loss is hard, but I won't even pretend to imagine what it's like dealing with that. I hope this site can help in some way; it's a good group of people. 

[Roxeanne]

I'm so sorry...it's a tragedy!

She was so in pain, she didn't want hurt you...only stop her pain! But anyway you are left behind with all those questions without answers...

Hope we can help you to find some comfort here, but i know that suicide require more specifical and dedicated help!

There is a forum called "Alliance of hope" ...they have a lot of experiences and good advices and concrete help to face the deep sorrow and the strong emotions after a suicide

Of a loved one...

Sending you big hugs

[HisMunchkin]

I'm so very sorry for your loss.  It must have been a great shock to you?  Grieving is a painful process.  Try to take it one day at a time.  Do seek counseling if you can find someone locally.  And do come and post.  Sometimes talking about your feelings can help.  And we have all gone through something similar in the sense that we lost a partner, so we can empathize.  You are not alone!  💝

[KayC]

Befrienders Worldwide | Emotional support to prevent suicide worldwide
Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss
Spouse's Suicide
Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide

 

[jwyco12]

Thank you guys for the kind words. Yeah it has been a huge shock. She was making future plans, applying for new jobs, seeing a therapist etc. Her dad is currently in a psych hospital due to all this. She was my soulmate without a doubt so this weighs heavy. 

[KayC]

Nothing can prepare one for something like this. 

[Marq]

That is horrible.  I am so sorry.

2 days after I lost Dorothy, I went to someone who had lost their children suddenly.  I asked them how do i get thru the day?  Just  that one day of cold pain and that night of loneliness.  And he said he didn't know, that grief is different for everyone.

But coming here I have found people who understand  No is identical, but I've found people here who at least have an idea of what this is like.

I guess I am saying you are not alone.  Find a therapist, talk to friends and family, keep coming back here.  If you are religious talk to members in your church.   Accept peoples help. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 2/21/2024 at 7:23 PM, jwyco12 said:

Hey everyone, it’s been about two weeks since my gf died by suicide. We had a whole future plan, wedding plans. I have no idea what to do or how to feel anymore. She was my soul mate, my best friend and now I feel so alone. It hurts knowing I’ll never get a text, a call, a hug, or a kiss from her again. If anyone has any guidance please I could use it. 

So sorry about the loss of your gf. There are a lot of support groups for survivors of suicide; you just have to do a little research on this and I’m sure you’ll find a support group near you. This forum is definitely a help for you cuz there are very understanding, caring and supportive people on here to talk to.  

[Griefsucks810]

On 2/22/2024 at 5:31 PM, jwyco12 said:

Thank you guys for the kind words. Yeah it has been a huge shock. She was making future plans, applying for new jobs, seeing a therapist etc. Her dad is currently in a psych hospital due to all this. She was my soulmate without a doubt so this weighs heavy. 

It’s definitely a huge shock for you cuz her death was sudden and unexpected. It’s sad to know that her dad is in a psych hospital cuz of her death. Hopefully he’ll get the help he needs in order to cope with her death. Suicide is a horrible way for someone to end their life.  Most people who commit suicide don’t tell their loved ones that they are experiencing a life crisis and feel ashamed to ask for help so they suffer in silence until it becomes unbearable for them to live any longer. I suggest you Google “suicide support groups near me” so you can attend a support group near you. 
 

[JonathanFive]

@jwyco12

If you're still reading the board, how are you doing?  Let us know, if you share your thoughts, we may be able to help, "put the puzzle together," a little bit.

Kindly,

Jonathan

 

[jwyco12]

Thanks guys yeah I’m still reading. My friends and family are doing a good job keeping me busy. My partner and I were only 24 and 25. She declined really rapidly. 

[JonathanFive]

19 minutes ago, jwyco12 said:

 She declined really rapidly. 

It's so easy in hindsight, and difficult in the current moment we experience.  What we see afterward, was something we did not before, but must have always been there.

Staying busy is good.   Keep posting, keep contributing

[jwyco12]

Thanks. Yeah she went to Croatia in September and October and was really never the same person. She had therapy, meds, support, and yeah. It’s just so hard that she’s gone. She was my soulmate and I feel apart of my soul went with her. 

[JonathanFive]

2 hours ago, jwyco12 said:

She was my soulmate and I feel apart of my soul went with her. 

Yes, a part of us passes with our soulmate.  We're grieving our mate, we're griving the part of us that is no longer there.

Your situation is complex, and you're really young, I am sure mom and dad are worried about you :-).   I would suggest seeking the help of a real psychologist if needed.   Somebody with a PhD.   Not a LMHC.   

Changes in healthcare over the last 20 years have created a landscape where a LMHC can provide counseling along the lines of a Psychologist - but no.

See how you feel, and find somebody with PhD to help you analyze.  I can sense you're trying to figure out, "where it all went wrong."  You're asking questions that may not have a singular and direct answer.

Your mind wants to know, "what could have possibly happened to her in Crotia."  However, sometimes people are facing struggles they had, long before you met them.  I know that can be, "hard to hear," so apologize if its a little bit of a trigger.

My suggestion is, "do not try to answer the questions," and for lack of a better phrase, and arrg this is a bad way to put this, "shake the questions off."  Let your emotions unfold.  Think about the questions, "months down the road."  Right now, "try to grieve without questions get them out of your head, push em aside for your own wellness."

Take care of yourself.  Baby steps, brush your teeth, take your showers, do your laundry

[Jake1018]

Hello Jwyco, 

I found this website and more importantly your message and feel close to you in spirit. 
 

I lost my girlfriend of 2 years, 3 weeks ago. I am completely lost without her. I have just turned 23, she was 26. Our birthdays had only just been in October and our 2 year anniversary is 12/12, we met at a skiing festival in France and were due to be returning this December. We had so much planned and so much to look forward to.
 

Similar to yourself, we discussed everything, we lived 2 hours from each other but did whatever we could to be with each other as much as possible, driving down for single evenings after work or sometimes just even an afternoon when we really missed each other (even though that was all the time) 

I feel I will always have this hole in my heart, finding this page has made me feel a slight comfort in that I am not the first to find myself in such a situation. 
 

I just don’t know how to navigate through this time, I have read the previous comments but struggle to not think about the future that we were going to share together. Everything that we spoke about, marriage, kids, the house we dreamed of building for ourselves, moving to Ibiza together… there’s too much to go on. 
 

I miss her with parts of me that I never knew existed, I’ve let out sounds I never thought I could make, I try to talk to her often, I sleep with her picture, I feel that she is living within me and that comforts me but I can’t shake the feeling of loneliness and despair that my special person is gone. 
 

I hope you are okay, I am so sorry for your loss. I truly understand how it feels. 
 

If by chance you would like to connect outside of this page, please let me know and we could figure out a safe way to share a contact to create a line of communication. 
 

Thank you to everyone else in this forum, your messages and advice have helped me this morning. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Suicide especially seems so hard.  

Spouse's Suicide
Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss
Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.