Missing my daughter.

[Ashwini]

Hello everyone

This is my first post. I came across this website while searching for support groups near me. 

Writing this post after just coming back from visiting my daughter (where she rests). We lost Reanshi in March 2019. Been 4 years. As far as I remember this week has been most difficult in a long time,  well.. since the first year passed. 

I am not sure of the reason. This whole month I have been feeling low, numb. Doing my best to be on top of day to day and caring for house, kids. But slacking. There have been days I could not get myself up to make dinner. Feeling guilty and grateful for hubby who has been juggling more. Being busy in meetings during the day feels like blessing. 

Sometimes your own feelings surprise you, even shake you a little. But I have a hope that you all, who are reading this post, will understand how it feels when your heart is sinking, when stomach feels weird, empty. And when I find myself taking long sighs. 

Last 2 years have been good. We visit her on her birthdays and angel dates. Celebrate her. Remember her. Talk to our other kids about her. 

And suddenly like I said this month has been difficult for apparently no reason. Then 2 days ago I watched this Netflix show One day, where this female lead dies in the last episode. And.... I have been struggling and crying since, when ever I am alone. Just miss her so much. So much more. Life without her.. my heart aches for her. All over again. 

[KayC]

I can't imagine, my heart goes out to you.  I think losing a child must be the worst pain...I've lost some before they were born, but to raise them...well, that's just super tough.

[Ashwini]

Thanks KayC for a hug..yeah we raised her. And have so many memories. I fear I am forgetting some memories as the time goes by. That feeling is very scary. Feels like something very important is sleeping away but you can not control it. She was 2.5 years old when we lost her to a genetic disease with no cure. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  My little sister had a baby born in her fifth month without a brain.  The doctor said it was the body's way of trying to miscarry but she'd taken such good care of them that the baby lived.  Her name is Courtney.  She lived to just under two years old.  It's the first time I realized the brain is not the center, she had a spirit that was so sweet even though she couldn't think a cognitive thought or know that Julie and Dana were her parents.  When we had her funeral, they handed out kleenex in all of the bulletins.

Julie read excerpts from her journalling.  People used to say she looked like Julie (or my dad) and Julie said she'd think, "Great, I look retarded?"  At the very end she read what she'd wrote..."And Courtney, I'm glad you look like me."  We were all in tears then.

I doubt you'll forget anything, some things just surface more than others.  My heart goes out to you, that is such a perfect age...