Til Death Do Us Part...

[Take the Pain]

  

[KayC]

Welcome here.  I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps to know there are others going through similar.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[widower2]

A lot of what you said resonated with me to the point where it could have been something I wrote...the "I don't deserve any help" in particular. Not knowing either of you and having not have been there, I can't say this for certain of course, but I feel confident saying you're being unfair and overly harsh on yourself (and bet she would strongly agree), which btw is not exactly rare in a time like this. Grief often manifests as guilt, earned or not.

I suspect you supported her more than you may be giving yourself credit for and the fact that you didn't do everything in every single moment just right only means you're a human being...one who suffered mightily through her sickness and continue to do so in her loss. You suffered so much for so long; I ask you consider that just maybe you do deserve help. When or how you go about that or whether you do it at all is of course up to you, but I wish you the best in this rocky journey and hope the site can help you in some way or other. 

[HisMunchkin]

Welcome!  You are not alone.  Wishing you strength to get through each day, one day at a time.  Please do come back and post?  *Big Hugs* to you.  💝 

[Take the Pain]

Nothing of value here....

 

     

 

 

[JonathanFive]

14 minutes ago, Take the Pain said:

The display name & reference in the post, “Take the Pain” is not a request for anyone or anything to alleviate pain. It is simply a statement to deal with the pain of losing a spouse.  Taking or dealing with this pain is mine alone to be able to remember her.

Got it.  No worries.  I went ahead and deleted my post above for you.  Welcome to the forum, it's a nice place.  Hope you feel better.  

[Griefsucks810]

On 2/18/2024 at 9:46 PM, JonathanFive said:

Got it.  No worries.  I went ahead and deleted my post above for you.  Welcome to the forum, it's a nice place.  Hope you feel better.  

It was the most indescribable pain, anguish and devastation that I ever went through when my husband Richie died on 8/21/19.
I remember that awful night like it was yesterday when I received a phone call from our roommate at the time telling me that my husband is dead. It’s now been 4.5 years since he died and he’ll be in my heart forever. 

[KayC]

On 2/18/2024 at 6:31 PM, Take the Pain said:

Nothing of value here....

Not sure what you meant by that but we're here for you if you want us to be.