Coping with sudden loss

[widow39]

Well we all know why we are here so there is no point in trying to politely work this into the conversation.

My husband of 13 years died on December 19th. He got the flu then died 4 days later from viral myocarditis. He was not vaccinated for the flu (our son and I were; one of our ongoing arguments). The shock of it all is still echoing through every part of my life as I try to raise our 7 year old son as a newly single parent.

My plea for help is how do I cope with his bizarre and sudden manner of death. People ask and I can't really explain. He was a healthy 39 year old who died from influenza. It happened quickly. He was at the hospital for less than 24 hours. He had no history of heart problems and no signs of cardiac distress other than profuse sweating (aka you have the flu and a fever so nothing that out of the ordinary). I feel guilty that I could not prevent this especially since one of the last things he said to me was, "I should have listened to you and got a flu shot."

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to beat yourself up; that's not fair, and you have enough pain to deal with as it is. No one could predict such an outcome from the flu. I hope this site can help somewhat....it's a good group of people who generally "get it." 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss!  No one would expect this outcome at 39, that is my son's age.  My heart goes out to you.

I welcome you here and hope you'll continue to read and post, it helps to know there are others that get it.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[DWS]

8 hours ago, widow39 said:

My plea for help is how do I cope with his bizarre and sudden manner of death. People ask and I can't really explain. He was a healthy 39 year old who died from influenza. It happened quickly. He was at the hospital for less than 24 hours. He had no history of heart problems and no signs of cardiac distress other than profuse sweating 

I am so sorry for such a tragic and unexpected loss of your beloved husband. How horribly shocking this must be for you. My partner passed away unexpectedly in his sleep...athletic and conscious of healthy-living. I can understand your continual bewilderment. And then there's the other cruel part of it that you've alluded to which is how to explain to others a death that came out of nowhere. It feels as if there's an onus thrust upon us to do an immediate acceptance and come up with the story of what happened which is simply impossible. There was no time to make plans. No warning whatsoever. That, in itself, is too much to deal with but on top of that, now having to face others who are just as confused. Warmest hugs to you. Hopefully those of us here will be able to companion you in your grief. 

[JonathanFive]

8 hours ago, widow39 said:

I feel guilty that I could not prevent this especially since one of the last things he said to me was, "I should have listened to you and got a flu shot."

Welcome,

It's a sad forum to join, but everybody here empathizes as we've all experienced loss.  That being said, I'm extremely new to this, and what I can say is, "there's something of a period of shock that happens directly following a loss event."  This shock period is your mind, and body going into, "survival mode."  I am sure the timeframe is different for everybody - for me it seems like shock is slowly rolling off - it's been 2 months, 10 days.  However, my loss event was super traumatic, so a very long shock makes sense.

Now that shock is rolling off, I am feeling raw emotions kick in hard.  As for coping?   Let's just say, "I live in South Florida, nature of Florida - most of my friends are older, and my neighbor and former co-worker both lost spouses with whom they were with for multiple decades."  Those two people both gave me the same advice - "stay busy."  Its true..   Go back to work, go take classes, go exercise, go volunteer, go learn to ride horses...  ya know?

As for, "guilty that I could not prevent this."

Let that go.  I know it's hard.  I do it all the time, "what if I had just snuggled that and watched Trainspotting like he asked."   But we cannot change fate, and what is going to happen, is going to happen, and what has happened cannot be undone.

I am sorry for your loss.  Hugs

[HisMunchkin]

I am so sorry for your loss!  So unexpected, and at such a young age.  I wish I could take your pain away.  I do hope that you'll stay and chat with us.  Though not under the exact same circumstances or subjective experiences, we have all been through (or are going through) something similar in our grieving process.  You are not alone!  *Big Hugs* to you. 💝

[Sar123]

I am so very sorry for your loss and the shock of it all. Have you considered seeing a grief counselor? I resisted seeing one for months after my husband’ passed, but I eventually did and it helped. I saw her remotely which worked out well.  Could that be an option for you? 
 

It must be so difficult for you when people ask you about it. A coworker of mine lost her 19 year old son the same way-a viral myocardial infection. He had been complaining for a few days about what they thought was heartburn from “the flu.” He came home from work and collapsed. We didn’t ask her details about it. She sent out thank you cards a year later and explained in a letter what happened. As for people asking you how you are coping-  my standard answer has been that I’m “hanging in there.” They usually don’t say much after that. 
 

There is nothing you could have done to prevent this. It was highly unusual for this to happen to someone so young. It was his decision not to get a flu shot. You could not force him to. My husband had symptoms (he had pancreatic cancer) for a few months and I kept telling him to go back to the doctor,  but he was hoping the pain would disappear. What has helped me with the “what ifs” has been telling myself I can’t change the outcome even though I wish I could. So please don’t blame yourself. 

[widow39]

On 2/18/2024 at 9:22 PM, Sar123 said:

I am so very sorry for your loss and the shock of it all. Have you considered seeing a grief counselor? I resisted seeing one for months after my husband’ passed, but I eventually did and it helped. I saw her remotely which worked out well.  Could that be an option for you? 
 

It must be so difficult for you when people ask you about it. A coworker of mine lost her 19 year old son the same way-a viral myocardial infection. He had been complaining for a few days about what they thought was heartburn from “the flu.” He came home from work and collapsed. We didn’t ask her details about it. She sent out thank you cards a year later and explained in a letter what happened. As for people asking you how you are coping-  my standard answer has been that I’m “hanging in there.” They usually don’t say much after that. 
 

There is nothing you could have done to prevent this. It was highly unusual for this to happen to someone so young. It was his decision not to get a flu shot. You could not force him to. My husband had symptoms (he had pancreatic cancer) for a few months and I kept telling him to go back to the doctor,  but he was hoping the pain would disappear. What has helped me with the “what ifs” has been telling myself I can’t change the outcome even though I wish I could. So please don’t blame yourself. 

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am seeing a grief counseling and have been talking to my son about it as well. I really appreciate the support.

On 2/18/2024 at 8:36 AM, DWS said:

I am so sorry for such a tragic and unexpected loss of your beloved husband. How horribly shocking this must be for you. My partner passed away unexpectedly in his sleep...athletic and conscious of healthy-living. I can understand your continual bewilderment. And then there's the other cruel part of it that you've alluded to which is how to explain to others a death that came out of nowhere. It feels as if there's an onus thrust upon us to do an immediate acceptance and come up with the story of what happened which is simply impossible. There was no time to make plans. No warning whatsoever. That, in itself, is too much to deal with but on top of that, now having to face others who are just as confused. Warmest hugs to you. Hopefully those of us here will be able to companion you in your grief. 

Thank you. It means a lot coming from someone who knows the pain of loss.

[Griefsucks810]

On 2/18/2024 at 12:13 AM, widow39 said:

Well we all know why we are here so there is no point in trying to politely work this into the conversation.

My husband of 13 years died on December 19th. He got the flu then died 4 days later from viral myocarditis. He was not vaccinated for the flu (our son and I were; one of our ongoing arguments). The shock of it all is still echoing through every part of my life as I try to raise our 7 year old son as a newly single parent.

My plea for help is how do I cope with his bizarre and sudden manner of death. People ask and I can't really explain. He was a healthy 39 year old who died from influenza. It happened quickly. He was at the hospital for less than 24 hours. He had no history of heart problems and no signs of cardiac distress other than profuse sweating (aka you have the flu and a fever so nothing that out of the ordinary). I feel guilty that I could not prevent this especially since one of the last things he said to me was, "I should have listened to you and got a flu shot."

If I were you I would review his death certificate and see if there is a name of chief medical examiner and call their office and  ask for chief medical examiner to call you back cuz you have questions about the listed cause of death. I did this myself 3 years ago and the chief medical examiner called me back and answered all of my questions about my husband’s manner of death. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 2/18/2024 at 8:36 AM, DWS said:

I am so sorry for such a tragic and unexpected loss of your beloved husband. How horribly shocking this must be for you. My partner passed away unexpectedly in his sleep...athletic and conscious of healthy-living. I can understand your continual bewilderment. And then there's the other cruel part of it that you've alluded to which is how to explain to others a death that came out of nowhere. It feels as if there's an onus thrust upon us to do an immediate acceptance and come up with the story of what happened which is simply impossible. There was no time to make plans. No warning whatsoever. That, in itself, is too much to deal with but on top of that, now having to face others who are just as confused. Warmest hugs to you. Hopefully those of us here will be able to companion you in your grief. 

If asked how your husband died, I would say that he passed away unexpectedly and leave it at that.  

[Roxeanne]

I'm so sorry for your loss...your young husband was too young to die! 

And you are too young for this pain! life can be so unfair...

I know is hard for you now and is hard for your dear little son...take care of him and it can be a way to help you from this terrible pain...

Hope you can find comfort and solace here with us

[RichS]

Very sorry for your loss. As you can see, this board has many members who know exactly what you’re going through. We are here to encourage, sympathize and support each other every day. Please continue to post here.

[widow39]

21 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

I'm so sorry for your loss...your young husband was too young to die! 

And you are too young for this pain! life can be so unfair...

I know is hard for you now and is hard for your dear little son...take care of him and it can be a way to help you from this terrible pain...

Hope you can find comfort and solace here with us

Thank you. The group is very comforting 

19 hours ago, RichS said:

Very sorry for your loss. As you can see, this board has many members who know exactly what you’re going through. We are here to encourage, sympathize and support each other every day. Please continue to post here.

Thank you. I helps to have people who understand though I wish none of us were in this situation to begin with...

On 2/23/2024 at 6:46 PM, Griefsucks810 said:

If asked how your husband died, I would say that he passed away unexpectedly and leave it at that.  

That is a helpful tip. I have requested all his medical records that would a logical next step.

[JonathanFive]

16 minutes ago, widow39 said:

I wish none of us were in this situation to begin with...

The human condition...   ouch.

[Jemiga70]

@widow39  My condolences. It's such a shock to the system. It hurts so much. My wife passed unexpectedly / suddenly. To this day I still don't know exactly what caused her pulmonary embolism. It drives me insane to dwell on it, so I try not to, though I can certainly understand the need to have a definite answer. When people ask me (rarely, thankfully) I stumble with my words. I need to memorize a reply.

Hoping you find some comfort here. Many of us here share the feeling of having the rug pulled out from under.

Edited February 25 by Jemiga70
clarity

[HisMunchkin]

10 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

10 hours ago, widow39 said:

I wish none of us were in this situation to begin with...

The human condition...   ouch.

Where there is life, there is death.  Where there is love, there is grief.

[Scott56]

I joined this unfortunate group 2 years ago on New Year’s Day . My heart goes out to all of you newly widowed people , it is a very confusing time full of emotions you weren’t aware existed in you. Your old normal is gone forever and after some time your new normal will begin to emerge. After the tidal waves of grief subside and become slow rolling waves that don’t hit you as often you can begin to swim to the surface.There is no handbook for this . After a few months and getting back on track I got involved in any activity I could that would help me to not cry for a period off time.I believe that distraction is the answer until you start to heal and accept things as they are. I also joined a local grief group and after the group ended we remained friends and meet up for dinners , parties and local outdoor concerts. God bless you all and good luck…. I never gave up because I know my wife is watching and expects me to excel, not just get by.

[KayC]

Thank you for letting us know how you are.  And I think you may be right!

[Griefsucks810]

4 hours ago, Scott56 said:

I joined this unfortunate group 2 years ago on New Year’s Day . My heart goes out to all of you newly widowed people , it is a very confusing time full of emotions you weren’t aware existed in you. Your old normal is gone forever and after some time your new normal will begin to emerge. After the tidal waves of grief subside and become slow rolling waves that don’t hit you as often you can begin to swim to the surface.There is no handbook for this . After a few months and getting back on track I got involved in any activity I could that would help me to not cry for a period off time.I believe that distraction is the answer until you start to heal and accept things as they are. I also joined a local grief group and after the group ended we remained friends and meet up for dinners , parties and local outdoor concerts. God bless you all and good luck…. I never gave up because I know my wife is watching and expects me to excel, not just get by.

Sorry for the loss of your wife. Glad you got your life together by attending a grief group which I see has helped you and that you made a few new friends who you went out to dinner with, attended parties with and went to concerts.  I admire the strength you have by not giving up; that you continued to live a new life for yourself cuz you know that your wife is watching over you.  
 

My husband died unexpectedly on 8/21/19. It was the most indescribable, painful and devastating feeling of loss that I ever went through in my life.  The first year was hard for me but I made it through thanks to the unconditional love, care, compassion and ongoing support I received from my daughter. She moved in with me a few months after my husband died cuz she didn’t want me to be alone.  I’ve been surviving day by day for the last 4 years cuz I don’t look too far into the future cuz I am fearful of what will become of me as I grow older in age and also the uncertainty of what my future beholds.  I’ve been talking to a therapist for the last 2-3 years who has been helping me how to better manage my depression and anxiety symptoms and learn coping mechanisms so I can have a better sense of mind and a positive outlook on life. She also is focusing on me to continue self care and for me to establish a daily routine and to wake up the same time each day as well as a regular sleep schedule, to eat healthier foods and vegetables, and to exercise 30 minutes three days a week.  So far I’ve been eating healthier for the last 2 weeks and that I’m starting to get used to going to bed the same time every night. I’m struggling with waking up the same time each day and I need to be more proactive with my self care.  I’ll overcome the 2 struggles I’m experiencing over time cuz I need to get back into the world of the living  cuz there’s a new life awaiting for me. 
 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

My husband died unexpectedly on 8/21/19. It was the most indescribable, painful and devastating feeling of loss that I ever went through in my life.

Sounds about like all of us.    I'm glad you had your daughter.  Mine came home for a few months. 

[Boggled]

On 2/25/2024 at 4:27 PM, Scott56 said:

After the tidal waves of grief subside and become slow rolling waves that don’t hit you as often you can begin to swim to the surface.There is no handbook for this . After a few months and getting back on track I got involved in any activity I could that would help me to not cry for a period off time.I believe that distraction is the answer until you start to heal and accept things as they are.

Distraction!  I'm a reader, found distraction in reading old kindly children's books, like The Secret Garden.   Fortunately I had some old kindly children's books here at the house!  Booth Tarkington, also a good KINDLY author!   C.S. Lewis's A Grief Observed, another worthwhile distraction/read.  And his "Chronicles of Narnia" ... 

[LMR]

I agree that distraction is a big help. I'm a reader too but I can't read many of the books that I used to. Those that really need serious concentration don't help as my attention span is not what it was and my mind wanders dangerously. My go to books are light detective novels like Agatha Christie, nothing too gory, just a mystery to solve. I too would recommend "A grief observed" and if you can't handle the book, the film is also beautiful and sad and extremely well done. (Shadowlands)

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Boggled said:

C.S. Lewis's A Grief Observed

An excellent book, imo! It showed his humanity and their love and what he went through.  It made CS Lewis seem real to me.

[widow39]

On 2/25/2024 at 1:24 AM, Jemiga70 said:

@widow39  My condolences. It's such a shock to the system. It hurts so much. My wife passed unexpectedly / suddenly. To this day I still don't know exactly what caused her pulmonary embolism. It drives me insane to dwell on it, so I try not to, though I can certainly understand the need to have a definite answer. When people ask me (rarely, thankfully) I stumble with my words. I need to memorize a reply.

Hoping you find some comfort here. Many of us here share the feeling of having the rug pulled out from under.

Thank you. It is a blessing to have  listening and understanding people right now. 

[foreverhis]

On 2/23/2024 at 3:46 PM, Griefsucks810 said:

If asked how your husband died, I would say that he passed away unexpectedly and leave it at that.  

I think this is excellent advice.  It's hard enough to tell people without feeling the need to go into details.  Of course, there are people in our lives who do/should know, but for people in general, your statement works well.

[Bou]

On 2/18/2024 at 12:13 AM, widow39 said:

Well we all know why we are here so there is no point in trying to politely work this into the conversation.

My husband of 13 years died on December 19th. He got the flu then died 4 days later from viral myocarditis. He was not vaccinated for the flu (our son and I were; one of our ongoing arguments). The shock of it all is still echoing through every part of my life as I try to raise our 7 year old son as a newly single parent.

My plea for help is how do I cope with his bizarre and sudden manner of death. People ask and I can't really explain. He was a healthy 39 year old who died from influenza. It happened quickly. He was at the hospital for less than 24 hours. He had no history of heart problems and no signs of cardiac distress other than profuse sweating (aka you have the flu and a fever so nothing that out of the ordinary). I feel guilty that I could not prevent this especially since one of the last things he said to me was, "I should have listened to you and got a flu shot."

It sucks that we are here...  but I am grateful for this place at the same time as I didn't know where to turn and have a private moment with people who understood.  I share your loss date.  For me it was  12/19/21     It still feels like yesterday.  The pain is still there.  Somehow I managed to stop crying everyday and I cried for over nine months maybe longer.  I don't know it just stopped.  I was told we don't stop crying but that are tears just dry up.  The ache is still there.  I was with my husband it would be 34 years at the end of this month.  

    Your story is much like mine.  Except it was covid.  We opted not to get the shot.  He had been very sick in the past from Flu after getting a flu shot and he didn't want take the chance of getting sick and also we just didn't know or trust it.  Still don't.  In my foggy brain after he passed I and three others in the family got the shot.  I regret that  yet at the time I was in a fog and thought I was doing it for him and the pressure of everyone else.  He died of covid but also of underlying lung disease as well most likely aggravated from Covid.  I was working and never thought the day he went to the hospital would be the last day I would see him until he was on his death bed.  Covid messed a lot of us up!!!     I will never stop missing him, he was the best husband and father and grandfather and person in general.  

We are all our own person and have to do what is right for ourselves.  Don't beat yourself up.  Let that guilt slide off of you and renew yourself.  He wouldn't want you holding onto that.  Your plea is this....  you get up and you put one foot in front of the other every single day.  You allow yourself to be not ok when you need to be not ok.  You don't explain.  You owe no explanations.   You allow yourself to be foggy and forgive yourself for mistakes you will make in that fogginess.   It will clear.  The ache will always be there but it will be more manageable.  You live.  You live your life well and fill it with all the good that you can.   I hope this helps.  For me I kept busy.  I had to go back to work because of the job that I have right away.  I don't allow myself to sit in my thoughts as much as possible and when I can't help but not sit in my thoughts I come here.  I come here where the people that are here I can relate with and hopefully offer some helps.  Those helps got me through a horrific time in my life.  

My  husband was my everything.  My whole world was built around him and our family.  Now I am struggling to find myself.  The new me.  Where do I fit in t his world? Taking time to nurture myself and find myself.  I was consumed by that past life that I struggle to know me.  I say this often and have always said this.  We are only here for a short time.  We need to make the best of our time here on earth.   I am still picking up the pieces but I do hold hope close.  

[KayC]

2 minutes ago, Bou said:

I was told we don't stop crying but that are tears just dry up.

Yes.  I literally dried up my tear ducts and have to use eye drops.  We carry our grief on the inside but it's there but it gets easier in time, still, we miss them.  and that's never gone.  At least for me it isn't.

4 minutes ago, Bou said:

Your story is much like mine.  Except it was covid.  We opted not to get the shot.  He had been very sick in the past from Flu after getting a flu shot and he didn't want take the chance of getting sick and also we just didn't know or trust it.  Still don't.

Well if it's any consolation, my friend's husband got long haul Covid with the vaccination and it ended up killing him.  There's no escaping death sometimes.

[immortalgypsy]

Sending you love. 84 days out from the unexpected and traumatic passing of my husband. Those first few weeks are a blur. I wrote it down in a journal and did a video journal but can’t go back and watch it yet. For me, I had to go back to work far too early. So I isolated in my home life as much as I could. I still am, for that matter. I told my family I need time to be able to move forward and live with this. Research and the continuation of my spiritual awakening has helped me a lot. I set goals and work on reaching them. Again, sending you love and positive energy.