Sibling loss - big brother 💙

[Lj22]

I lost my big brother in November 2023, unfairly & unexpectedly. He was only 33. He was my only full sibling and we went through some terrible things as children together. No real connection with either parent due to addiction. We supported each other through our adult lives and I guess had each other for validation of what we went through. Much like a trauma bond. I miss him so much. I have so much guilt. We had the same upbringing and somehow I was able to become the complete opposite of what we watched growing up yet he would use drugs to feel human and numb life. I can’t help but wonder what would be if he was able to grow up in a happy house hold free of shame, judgment and constant abuse. 
Our mother was a drunk, and has since tried to play the grieving mother card, I’m struggle because I know how much of a role she played in his addiction and how much he hated her. She’s even now started to deny certain things because now it’s just me left to remember it. Everyone has gone on with life and I feel stuck. the constant wondering was there something more I could have done. Does this pain ever go away. I feel like my heart is being pulled out slowly everyday.